GAME OF THE WEEK

Rehabs at Dark Rainbows

Location: Tompkins West, 3:00 PM

Game Keys:

Why is this the game of the week? Hell, why not? It features two of the league’s classic franchises. Both teams have struggled this year, looking to forge new identities after significant departures. But both teams still have a core made up of players who embody the BTSH spirit. Bryan Welch? Abby Meisterman? Jon “Dinnerplate” Feldman? A dude named PK? These are the stuff of BTSH legend.

Allow us to quote Tennyson, speaking of another legendary figure:

“Tho’ much is taken, much abides; and tho’ 
We are not now that strength which in old days 
Moved earth and heaven, that which we are, we are,– 
One equal temper of heroic hearts, 
Made weak by time and fate, but strong in will 
To strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield.”

Sorry. The end of the season always makes us sentimental.

Game Prediction: We love Hilary and Nora and would love to pick the Black Beauties to win this one. But unfortunately, we can’t. You know why guys and gals? Because the Rehabs suck. And no matter what else changes in BTSH, that will always be true.

Happy Little Elves at Denim Demons

Location: Tompkins East, 1:00 PM

Game Notes: Two Bratta division rivals combine for a Christmas colored nightmare. For some devoutly Christian societies Elves are considered Demons. And for humanist atheists like the highly enlightened Dr. John Rick, Demons are as make believe as the diminutive fair folk for whom the team in green is named (for the record “diminutive fair folk” does not refer to Jenna Cruff). Maybe that explains the animosity between these two sides. We always hate that which reminds us most of ourselves. I know it’s why I hate Gil so much (Just retire already will you? That way I can be the oldest player in the league. What? Are you trying to break Gordie Howe’s record or something?).

Of course, the Demons are still chafing from their repeated exclusion from competition for the Fairytale Cup, as well. And the Elves are coming off of a couple of brutal losses. They definitely need to turn their fortunes around and the ORG is going to give them a special gift that will help them in this regard.

Shaun deLacy.

This changes everything.

What the Puck at Cobra Kai

Location: Tompkins West, 1:00 PM

Game Notes: It’s hard to talk about WTP without using the words “steam” and “roller”. In the second half of the season there hasn’t been a better team in the league. Whether it’s because they’re trying to impress their kids, their future fiancées (hi Dom!) or they realize that Zimm isn’t getting any younger; the team in orange and blue has been on fire. The dojo has had an up and down season but they have shown that they can play with any team in the league. We’re just not sure that any lineup is going to shut down last year’s championship finalists (and our top pick for a return to the finals). WTP may be vulnerable for a playoff upset but for the last week of the season our money is on Mike Woodsworth and co.

PS: Corey Winters paid me to write this.

Mega Touch at Sky Fighters

Location: Tompkins East, 2:00 PM

Game Keys: Blah blah blah Martin. Blah blah blah Czech Republic. Blah Blah Blah Adriano.

Forget it. Let’s forego the usual suspects and talk straight (it is the last week of the season after all). Will Mega Touch win this game? Probably not. Will they care? Absolutely not.  The former Bad Touchers may need to inform their neighbors when then they move in to a new house but there’s no team that epitomizes old school BTSH more. Those striped socks are a badge of pride. A symbol that says, we’re going to sit in the sun, enjoy life and play some hockey (if we get around to it). Yep, occasionally they get a victory. But you know what. They’re all winners! We love you MegaTouch.

Skyfighters. We like you too (and you’re much better at hockey).

Mathematics at Tompkins Square Riots

By the ORG’s version of Ed Anger, Rich Glanzer

Location: Tompkins West, 2:00 PM

Game Keys: Since the Riots debuted in 2010, everyone wondered, who was running the team? While Amy Jones was the recognized captain, photos have leaked of the real ringleader of the team. None other than Michelle Bressler! As you can see in this photo, Jones only job is to keep Bressler not too sunburned, and do her laundry every other Tuesday.

As for the game itself, the last time the Riots played Math it was a doozy. The Riots dominated early, but when Andy Pratt showed up late (I reffed and have a ridiculous memory for things like this), Math came on strong and took several leads, only to have the Riots quickly tie the score.

While the Riots will key on Pratt and the self-proclaimed, and probably accurate, Zach “Only good athlete to come from Cleveland besides LeBron” Norris, they better not lose site of the lady Mathematicians. Female Rookie of the Year candidate Cherie had a beautiful assist last game, and Amy is pretty due for a goal.

Over on the Riots side, Bressler is going to miss the game, spending time on the big L.I., so the Riots will have to depend on former BTSH Champion netminder, and man of many names, Dave Gil de Rubio, and Alex Frenette. (Happy Dave? Now back to just mentioning Amy Jones, Shaun deLassy, and me in all previews)

So who will come away with the W? I see a tight game…this isn’t going to be easy like if either team were playing Cobra Kai. But I see Zach Norris sister scoring the game winning goal for Math. You didn’t know he had a sister? He does…when I asked her, her name, she was about to speak but then quickly turned to Zach who gave her a stern look, and shook his head. She then looked to the ground and said, “My name is Zach Norris’ sister.”

True story.

PS. Fresh Kills 3 Poutine 1

Fresh Kills at Poutine Machine

By the ORGs version of Jimmy Olsen Eli Kazin

Location: Tompkins East, 3:00 PM

Game Keys: On any other week, the pairing of Fresh Kills and Poutine Machine would be on the short list of can’t miss games. Unfortunately, this game is the victim of bad timing, as both teams are already locked into their respective playoff seeds. Poutine Machine secured the Larsen Division and the third seed in the playoffs last Sunday with a 3-0 win against the Tompkins Square Riots. Fresh Kills entered last Sunday with faint hopes of winning the Bratta Division and with it the top overall seed, but the Corlears Hookers extinguished that possibility by defeating Filthy Gorgeous. Even with the division title no longer attainable, the defending champions were able to lock up the fifth seed with their 7-1 thrashing of the Happy Little Elves. With playoff positions secure, and both teams having little to play for, neither captain is willing to risk much in what is essentially a glorified exhibition game. Poutine Machine’s Sven Patrick Larsen has hinted that starting goaltender Tim Brown may be given the week off. Larsen noted that the leading candidates for this scenario are Mike Haas, Jo-Ann Provencher, and Brodie St. John. Fresh Kills’ Dave Sokolyansky, meanwhile, is strongly leaning towards rostering only players under 30 years of age, which will give his veterans, such as Kevin Foster, Mike Sokolyansky, and Eugene Rha, a much needed breather.

Gouging Anklebiters at Corlears Hookers

Location: Tompkins East, 4:30 PM

By the ORG’s version of Lois Lane – Monica Russo

Game Keys: Picture it.  Corlears Hook Park. 2007 (I think. Maybe it was 2008. Get off my back). A fairly new team called the Corlears Hookers (ok, I JUST got that) are in the first round of the finals. They face old-school BTSH’ers, The Gouging Anklebiters. The ‘Biters weren’t exactly having the season of their lives that year. The Hookers, meanwhile, had quickly established themselves as the new “team you love to hate.” It was their first year, they’d won every game, and they were fierce. And by “fierce” I don’t so much mean this, as much as I mean “I’ll cut the shit out of you if you cross me.”

The whole league gathers to watch the Anklebiters play these new BTSH juggernauts. This is mainly because it was the last game of the day, and there was really nowhere convenient to go once you were at Corlears. But I digress.

Though the Hookers came out strong, GAB would not lie down and play dead. The game was a nailbiter all the way through. Would this be the huge upset of the season? Would the sure-thing Hookers (heehee) really give it up (heehee) to the underdogs (heehee)?

The entire league was on it’s feet. Everyone came over to watch. For reals, this shit was intense. I am getting an adrenaline rush just thinking about it. Could this, would this, really happen?

Ok, so it didn’t really happen. But maybe it will this time. That shit was a long time ago.

Butchers at Filthy Gorgeous

By the ORG’s version of JD Salinger, Abby Meisterman

Location: Tompkins West, 4:30 PM

Game Keys: It’s not easy being Rachel Greene.* Despite being backed by solid goalie Eric Ramirez, the Butchers just couldn’t get a win against the Gremlins last week. But if fellow Connecticutensian Arthur Revechkis, Chris diMotta, Georgina “Hat Trick” Paulin, and Ben Bloom are in attendance this week, the tides may turn for theBitchers. Look for the Butchers to don their dried-blood-red shirts while making mincemeat of this week’s rivals, Filthy Gorgeous. However, there is some serious talent on Filthy, and I’m not just talking about heterosexual life-mates Suvin and James. It’s been rumored that captain Monica Russo has been taking French classes so she can call out secret moves to Jean Herbert. And Caroline Currie has been working on a move that involves vaulting off goalie Dan Owens. We’re looking at what has the making of being a very entertaining game.

* Rachel has a really nice smile. Have you ever noticed that? And nice hair. It is quite lovely.

 LBS Inc at Gremlins

Location: Tompkins East, 5:30 PM

Game Keys: LBS. don’t care about 47% of the league and the Gremlins fit squarely in that category. We know enough about Caitlin, Mark and John Rick’s personal lives to know that they won’t be attending any $50,000 a plate dinners any time soon. A social worker, a musician and a philosophy professor? They’re everything the Republicans LBS hate. And the LBS. will unleash their full fury this Sunday. Expect vicious attacks, distortions of the truth and Ken Poulin talking to an empty chair. It may not be popular in New York City. But don’t be surprised if it gets a result and a cheer from the heartland. And when the LBS add another victory to the story of their franchise’s achievements, remember … they built it!

La Famiglia at Gut Rot

Location: Tompkins West, 5:30 PM

By the ORG’s version of Robert Wuhl in the BATMAN movies, Bill Tucker

Game Keys: The final week of the regular season is here and at first glance, this may look like the short end of the hockey writing stick.  If my math is correct, La Famiglia has already secured a bye for the opening round of the playoffs and Gut Rot is guaranteed to not be the worst team in the league.  While my familiarity with both teams will allow me to “spread out the mentions”, there are a number of intriguing storylines in this late September contest.

Just Married, Now Bitter Rivals: Fresh off their recent nuptials, recent Rotter Matt “Worky” Workman and the Family’s Haanwa “The People’s Champion” Chau face each other for the first time since tying the knot.  Will they still be in honeymoon mode or will their first spat take place on the court?

Old Friends Come Home:  Diane Johnston faces her former team, the Former Tuques, for the first time since her Gut Rot defection.  Team captain Dave Ladanyi has pledged to not target his former teammate but the usual stoic Alfred Lui smashed his whiskey glass against the Transformers pinball machine in Ace Bar and refused to comment.  Sparks could be flying.

 Goals Achieved:  Making good on their pre-season goal of “19^th Place or Bust, Bitches”, Gut Rot has literally nothing to play for.  While a win would put them in contention for a more favorable 16^th slot, Peaches will most likely lead his team on a drunken pre, post and during game rampage.  Nothing says victory like five cases of Steel Reserve.

 Goalie…OUT!:  Due to a previous commitment, goaltender Bill Tucker will not be at the game forcing him to write about himself in the third person during this week’s preview.  He can be a jerk like that.

Dr. Hunter S. Tompkin’s Official Prediction:  It has been an honor following The Blue Menace through this season of ups, downs, missteps and victories.  On behalf of Dr. Gonzo, my liver and five sheets of high powered blotter acid, I commend this squad for a well played regular season.  That said, I have a strong pull towards Peaches’ Whiskey Warriors.  Blurry eyed seekers all reaching for hockey mediocrity.  As a result, I declare this game a 0-0 tie.  Give the game a miss and head straight to the nearest watering hole.  You both deserve it.