BREAKING: Commish Caught Cheating In 2009!

GAME OF THE WEEK
Sky Fighters (8-3-2-2) at What The Puck (8-5-1-1)
Location: Tompkins West, 3:30 PM
All-Time Series: Sky Fighters lead 8-3
Game Notes: Playoff seeding implications are on the line as these Hackett Division foes face off for the second time this season. When the Sky Fighters and What The Puck met in Week 14, the Fighters prevailed with a solid–though somewhat forgettable–3-1 victory. Since then, however, they have hit a skid, losing to the Happy Little Elves and the Dark Rainbows. The slump has greatly reduced the team’s chances at the division title and with it, the all-important second seed in the playoffs. What The Puck is in even worse shape. The team tied the Rehabs last week, which halted a four-game losing streak. This summer swoon, along with the team’s 0-4-0-1 record in Hackett Division games, has officially eliminated WTP from the division race. However, strong out of division play earlier in the season has provided a cushion to soften the recent fall, and Larry’s Orange Juggernaut sits squarely in the middle of the rather large BTSH bell curve. With two weeks remaining before the playoffs start, both the Sky Fighters and What The Puck will be looking to reverse their recent trends.
Keys To The Game:
1. As one of the few Sky Fighters to exhibit regular attendance, captain Dan Hopper has shouldered much of the offensive load himself. After scoring twice last week against the Dark Rainbows, Hopper is now tied for fifth in the league with 12 goals.
2. After dealing with a revolving door of goaltenders throughout the season, What The Puck has finally regained some stability between the pipes, as offseason acquisition Anthony Romeo is back to close out the season. Although it remains to be seen if this will result in more wins, at the very least, WTP will now have a definitive count on how many saves their goalie makes each game.
3. We haven’t seen Brock in a really long time, and we’re extremely concerned. He’s little.
Eli’s Pick: What The Puck.  Wait, it’s technically still summer?  Crap.
Derek’s Pick: Sky Fighters.  Martin has returned to the States after teaching another generation of Czechs how to play 50 minutes a game.
Watchability: 4 Watkinsons.  Just two points separate these evenly matched teams in the standings.

Filthy Gorgeous (8-6-0-1) at Happy Little Elves (7-5-1-2)
Written by Rubens Division correspondent Abby “Tayne” Meisterman
Location: Tompkins East, 12:00 PM
All-Time Series: Filthy Gorgeous leads 3-0
Game Notes: Last time these two teams met I said the Elves would win because I feared Goalie Shaun deLacy’s wrath. However, his wrath (someone suggested he only graduated from Columbia due to bribery) has apparently sent him to the penalty box so the Elves may either have Capt. Geetch (and the Shrimp Shack Shooters) or $howt!m3 (He-Who-Has-Never-Been-Confused-with-the-Cable-Channel-with-Excellent-Programming) in goal. Really!? Yes, really. That’s not to say these options suck, just that… Well… They’re not as good as the Filthy Gorgeous’ offense (Suvin and James).
Screw it… I forgot to write this write-up even though I asked the Media to remind me. The Media did remind me and I still was too busy (watching Weeds via Netflix [speaking of good Showtime programming — although, the last few seasons have not been as good as the first couple]). Then I was hit over the head and dragged to my computer by a rather tall Barbarian. He forced me to drink coffee and chained my appendages to my chair, leaving only my fingers free to type out this drivel.
I’d also like to take this opportunity to nominate myself as the Filthy Gorgeous Beat Reporter as I’ve written about them repeatedly. Almost as much as Rich writes about himself.
Abby’s Pick: Filthy Gorgeous
Watchability: 4.333333 deLacy Tantrums

Dark Rainbows (8-6-0-1) at LBS, Inc. (9-5-0-1)
Written by Hackett Division Poet Laureate Broderick Barnstable Claytonwickington III, Esq.
Location: Tompkins West, 12:00 PM
All-Time Series: LBS, Inc. leads 8-6-1
Game Notes: Ahh, autumn–when earth’s omnipresent arboretum descends toward its wistful hiemal swan song through the effervescent polychromasia of decay, and ozone suffuses the air to nip playfully, like a gossamer puppy, at our proboscii. Woolly sweaters leap as lusty mountain goats from our closets to shroud us with sartorial elan and finesse, and their kith, the prodigal tweed blazers, accompany their return from dark mothballing, passing through the dry cleaners, steamed, pressed, and folded; proud student bodies haunt our boulevards and caravanserai to pursue the freelance epidemiology of the loins. Yes, ’tis the season! But ho, what is this upon the asphalt proscenium? Ahh– street hockey–that most pulchritudinous of games!–and with it the looming playoffs, scowling westward like Milton’s Lucifer. Wayward titans clash this dix-huitième de Septembre as psychedelia jousts the tycoons. While it would be foolhardy to banish the bleach-white collars of LBS, Incorporated from considerated contention, as of late the Rainbows have sparred with the gladiatorial zeal of Achilles after Patroclus’ demise, notching victories thrice in as many sequential tests. This is a crew seething and champing at their bits with the Nietzschean rage of a gelded Seabiscuit. It is not my way to drop my monocle, choke on my pipe, nor argue a dominant trend; thus hither, I embrace the carnation. That is to say, I think, as it were, pink.
Broderick Barnstable Claytonwickington III, Esq.’s Pick: Dark Rainbows by 1.
Watchability: ‘Twill be as thrilling as a reading by Robert Frost.

Mega Touch (4-10-1) at Gut Rot (2-13)
Written by MacNeil Division correspondent Sven Larsen
Location: Tompkins East, 1:00 PM
All-Time Series: Mega Touch leads 3-0
Game Notes: Two of the most likable teams in BTSH get their character put to the test this week in a match that will definitely have an impact on their playoff hopes. Gut Rot gave your intrepid reporter’s Poutine Machine a very competitive game last week, while Mega Touch ran in to the buzzsaw that is this year’s version of Fresh Kills. Both teams are due for a win, but the real question is what will be the impact of NYC Fashion Week on their choice of uniforms? Gut Rot have had more team kits than Barcelona while Mega Touch’s throwback crop top and jean short combo was arguably the sartorial highlight of this BTSH season. Like Alex Eben Meyer’s bubbie used to say, “Come for the street hockey, stay for the fashion.”
Sven’s Pick: The Megas have a slight edge in talent and team chemistry. This one goes to the Touch.
Watchability: 3 Tim Gunns

Butchers (8-6-1) at La Famiglia (11-1-1-2)
Written by Tuques beat reporter Rich Glanzer
Location: Tompkins West, 1:00 PM
All-Time Series: La Famiglia leads 3-0
It will be a joyous time at Tuques Arena as the Tuquers are coming off one of their biggest wins in franchise history when they defeated the no-good, dastardly Hookers last week. While Jesse the Greek has the Tuques giving 3.5 goals to the Butchers, the smart play has the Butchers covering. Ben Bloom will notch two goals and Chris DiMotta will stymie the vaunted Tuques offense. The Tuques will eek out a 4-3 win, but only because of the brilliant captaining of Dave Ladanyi, who will ditch the yellow jerseys at halftime for the red jerseys, thereby confusing the Butchers who are wearing dark maroon.
Game Notes: Last week, I predicted the Tuques would beat the Hookers; this week I’m making another bold prediction and am going to say that Diane Johnston will NOT score a goal this Sunday.
Rich’s Pick: I have to stop giving away the score in the preview. Tuques 4-3
Watchability: Should be entertaining, but I’d rather be watching the NFL. 2.5 Budnicks

Cobra Kai (5-7-1-2) at Unicorns (8-5-0-2)
Written by Donohue Division correspondent Monica Russo
Location: Tompkins East, 2:00 PM
All-Time Series: Unicorns lead 6-0
Game Notes: Unless there has been a grave error by the media duo, these teams just played each other last week. At that time, the Unis barely squeaked by with a last minute goal by Coco. But you already know that. [Ed: That can’t possibly be an ADR reference, can it?] Possibly Cobra Kai, led by Enayet and the bald man, will come out guns a blazin’ this week to make up for it. The blaze will have to be pretty hot, though, to overcome an all-time series 6-0 lead. Does anyone read these? You guys totally don’t read these, do you?
Monica’s Pick: Unicorns. They’re the loveliest of all.
Watchability: 5 insert-last-name-heres.

Poutine Machine (11-2-1-1) at Mathematics (6-6-2-1)
Written by media intern Shaun deLacy
Location: Tompkins West, 2:00 PM
All-Time Series: Tied 1-1-1
Game Notes: First, I’d like to address the rumors about being on a secret mission to Azerbaijan for the CIA my presence in net this week being spending cut collateral in anticipation for Obama’s jobs bill absconding to Canada to dodge a CIA hit squad for talking about secret missions breaking into my classmates lockers and tearing necessary pages out of casebooks on the weekends being offered a contract by the New York Giants to fill in the gaps in their nonexistent secondary hiding in various media members’ apartments waiting for the perfect time to strike being sent off on a ‘gentleman’s expedition’ to watch football all day while barbequing by the enigmatic and shadowy organization known only as the ‘Office of the Commissioner’ hiding in my newly constructed biohazard containment area after seeing Contagion. When the megaflu eventually hits, don’t even think about asking to hole up with me. Oh wait, there’s a game preview?
Mathematics struggled last week and suffered a gut-wrenching loss to the impotent offense of the Tompkins Square Riots. Meanwhile, Poutine continues to roll through the stretch on their way to the current second-best record in BTSH. Facing one of the league’s top goaltenders in Tim Brown, Math’s anemic offense will really need to beef up their time-rate of scoring, else they’ll find the calculus returning an unfavorable result two weeks in a row. Unfortunately for our illustrious titans of media and their comrades, they are looking about ready to endure some serious stomach pain.
Shaun’s Pick: Gravy, fries and cheese curd. Why don’t our McDonalds sell that?
Watchability: 3.12 deLacy whereabouts rumors

Corlears Hookers (9-6) at Denim Demons (9-5-0-1)
Location: Tompkins East, 3:30 PM
All-Time Series: Corlears Hookers lead 5-2
Game Notes: These Rubens Division rivals faced off back in Week 2, when the Corlears Hookers blitzed the Denim Demons 7-3. This time, playoff implications are at the forefront, as the Denim Demons can clinch the Rubens Division with a regulation win and a Happy Little Elves loss or tie. A Corlears Hookers win, however, could leave four teams with a mathematical shot at the Rubens Division title entering the final weekend of the regular season.
Eli’s Pick: Denim Demons.  Grabbing the top seed in the playoffs three years in a row would be quite an accomplishment.
Derek’s Pick: Corlears Hookers.  Perhaps they’ll actually have more than one sub this week.
Watchability: 4.5 Watkinsons

HOCKEY NIGHT IN TOMPKINS (National Telecast)
Written by Hockey Night in Tompkins Correspondent Jesse Kalb
Fresh Kills (11-3-1) at Rehabs (3-7-2-3)
Location: Tompkins East, 4:30 PM
All-Time Series: Tied 5-5-1
Game Notes:Fresh Kills can clinch a division title with a win, so they should be fired up for this one. The once-powerful Rehabs limp along toward relegation, the wreckage of their season reminding watchers of mad King Lear, thrashing about in a storm while recalling past glories.
Vegas Line: Fresh Kills by 3
Jesse the Greek says: Take the points. Rehabs have a knack for keeping games close.
Watchability: 2.5 Yelp Reviews

HOCKEY NIGHT IN TOMPKINS (Regional Telecast)
Written by Hockey Night in Tompkins Correspondent Jesse Kalb
Gouging Anklebiters (5-10) at Tompkins Square Riots (3-11-0-1)
Location: Tompkins West, 4:30 PM
All-Time Series: First Meeting
Game Notes: What is there to say that hasn’t already been said about two teams that have combined to let in 65 more goals than they’ve scored this year? I hear the Ankle Biters have no one on the team who can drive a stick shift, and the Riots make a great Mojito. So, yeah.
Vegas Line: Riots by 1
Jesse the Greek says: Take the point. Riots deliver.
Watchability: Chargers-Patriots, 4:15 on CBS