Monica Is Actually Unconscious

The women’s tournament will take place on Saturday, October 1 (rain date 10/8) at Tompkins Square Park, beginning at 10 AM. It costs $20 to play with all proceeds going to GGE – Girls for Gender Equity, a non-profit group that is committed to improving the physical, psychological, social and economic development of girls and women. There is a two-game guarantee with the top two teams playing in a playoff final. During breaks in the action, there will once again be an auction to throw pies in the faces of some of BTSH’s most visible characters. Tournament organizer Dana Kravis submitted the following promotional material regarding the event:

The rivalry is heating up between the captains of this year’s women’s charity street hockey tournament. Although Kami Moore tried to keep the peace, she actually ended up adding fuel to the fire by naming her team “Irene.” Meredith Danberg-Ficarelli, captain of team “Jonathan Taylor Thomas,” noted, “It’s just in really bad taste.  My parents’ lawn chair got knocked over by that storm, and I know a girl who lost a potted basil plant from her back deck in Brooklyn… just… gone.” Amy Jones, captain of team “Buffy Summers,” was insulted by Monica Russo’s choice of team name, “Rayanne Graff.” Says Jones, “I was Rayanne Graff, OK? The producers of My So Called Life totally based that character on my high school exploits, and did I ever see a dime of those royalties? No. I told Monica all of this at Ace Bar last week, and then she goes and names her team that.  BTSH rule number one, Monica. Rule number one!” Monica Russo claims to have no memory of that conversation at Ace Bar and was not available for comment after being noogied into submission by Danberg-Ficarelli. “That chick is jacked,” she was heard muttering after the noogying.

The one thing all four ladies agreed on was that every girl in the league should immediately register for the women’s tournament here:

http://nycwomensballhockey.myevent.com/

Stars of the Week

Third Star: Hilary Meyer, Rehabs.  Hilary withstood a barrage of Fresh Kills shots (and close misses from Scott Lee) to earn her first shutout of the season.  With the Rehabs offense unable to convert any of its own attempts, Hilary’s effort at least allowed the Rehabs to salvage a draw against the Hackett Division champions.
Second Star: Adriano “Muscles Marinara” Bratta, Mega Touch. After weathering an onslaught of criticism from a recently uncovered scandal, Muscles silenced his critics by scoring five goals in Mega Touch’s 6-2 win against Gut Rot.  Although Bratta still trails scoring leader Denis Miciletto by five goals, Miciletto has become worried about his chances of maintaining what once seemed like an insurmountable lead.
First Star: Joe Polowczuk Chris, Unicorns.  Joe scored both of the Unicorns’ goals, including an overtime game-winner with two seconds remaining to lift his team past Cobra Kai.  However, in a truly honorable move, he has dedicated this first star to his teammate, Chris, who is retiring from BTSH after several seasons and moving to Maryland.

Know Your Neighbor

Name: Mark Talercio
Team: Cobra Kai
Suggested Nickname: Sparky
Rejected Nicknames: Sunny, Ratboy, Verrazano, The Mosquito
Origin: Staten Island, NY
College: Arizona State University
Quote: “It’s not cheating if you don’t get caught.”
First Job: First mate on the Staten Island Ferry
Current Job: Writer for a major broadcast news outlet
Early Accomplishments: Stealing Billy Prescott’s snack pack in 1st grade without the teacher noticing
Current Accomplishments: With just one game remaining in the regular season, Mark has yet to be suspended.
Hero: Dan Rather
Reason to Love Him: Once a month, Mark visits a neighborhood hospital and reads to terminally ill children.
Reason to Hate Him: He only chooses books from the Nancy Drew series.
Best Known For: Leading Cobra Kai with nine goals in 2010
Fast Fact: Mark was the original selection to replace Charlie Sheen in Two and a Half Men, but later turned down the role over a contract dispute.
Favorite Things: The Price is Right, dry heat, Palm Walk, peach cobbler
Favorite BTSH Infraction: Being a dick
Least Favorite Things: University of Arizona, Deal or No Deal, static electricity, Marc (spelled with a c)
Hockey Comparison: Alexandre Burrows
Non-Hockey Comparison: Eddie Guerrero
Things The Media Will Continue to Overhype About Him: His pesty style of play, which earned him the 2010 Jon “Dinner Plate” Feldman Award For Agitation and Instigation
Down the Road: Mark is chosen as a contestant for the 2023 fall season of Survivor, which takes place in Nantucket.  He immediately draws the ire of his tribemates by eating more than his fair share of the rice rations and losing the fishing spear.  However, his behind the scenes manipulation lengthens his time in the game and endears him to host Jeff Probst.  Mark advances to the final three as an unlikely fan favorite, but ultimately loses to Eric, a toy designer from Everett, Massachusetts.