Not the French Guy We Were Talking About

GAME OF THE WEEK

Corlears Hookers at Filthy Gorgeous

Location: Tompkins East, 3:00 PM

Game Keys:

Is this the week that the Hookers their division and the first seed for the playoffs? Maybe. Maybe not. The Hookers returned to a full bench and the kind of dominating performance they’ve become known for last week. Their 7-0 blowout of the Rehabs was the kind of ruthless and efficient takedown that has spawned comparisons between Peter Pucha and the robot from ‘70s sci fi classic WESTWORLD. But no team wants to spoil their party more than the Dirty Prettys. It took years to get the Hookers monkey off their backs (and FG suffered some heartbreaking playoff losses in the process) but recently this matchup has been tilting in the Filthys favor. Games between these two are always close but our bet is that hate trumps the Hookers “Get her done” mentality. For the Purple People Eaters to wrap up the top spot, they’re going to have to bring some emotion to this game. Perhaps, a late season draft of Ellery “Redskins, baby!!!” Gillette might be the spark they need to claim the regular season title?

Keys to the Game:

1) Goaltending

Dustin tends to sit so far back in his net that we’ve often suspected he has a smart phone with an e-trade app stashed somewhere in there. Meanwhile, Dan Owens takes the opposite tack, singlehandedly trying to revive the position of “rover”. With both teams scoring goals in bunches and a full season’s worth of scouting available to their opponents, someone needs to modify their style.

2) Can Matt and Becky Find a Babysitter?

One of the league’s best defensive duos has been splitting shifts and handing off their daughter to each other during games. While this solution seems to have worked short term, it’s probably only a matter of time before one of them grabs a handiwipe instead of a hockey stick. League go to child-minder Corey has some loyalty to the Hookers squad which will prevent him from helping them out. If we were FG Captain Monica Russo we’d be sending a least one of the Novicks to WTP for some hockey/life balance coaching.

3) Will Jean and that French guy on the Hookers start trashtalking?

Neither player is known for their verbosity. But maybe that’s just a language barrier thing. Expect the two to go out at big time this Sunday, unleashing torrents of Joual on Tompkins Square Park. Of course, the Gorg also have Caroline Currie who can bring it in either of Canada’s official languages. The advantage on this one has to go to the team in blue.

4) 8 is better than 7

Both teams scored 7 goals last week. Our forty years of hockey experience tells us that the team that scores 8 will probably win this game.

Game Prediction: Filthy in a shootout but only if Joann Provencher doesn’t ref the game (hint to the Quebecois crew – she can understand everything you’re saying!)

Gremlins at Butchers

Location: Tompkins East, 1:00 PM

By ORG Special Op Monica Russo

Game Notes:

Mathematics at Gut Rot

Location: Tompkins West, 1:00 PM

Game Notes: Mathematics are coming off of a heartbreaking one-goal loss. Gut Rot are coming off of a stirring one-goal win (despite having to deal with football crazed teammates and Tommy Cho’s inevitable post-wedding comedown). Will this be another one goal thriller? Not if Zack Norris has anything to say about it. BTSH’s answer to Tom Brady is back ready to break hearts and make Bill Tucker cry. Rookie of the Year honors are on the line and the Zack Attack is looking for a big salary bump next year. Expect him to dominate this game like Messier in Game 6. The prize? A better chance at the coveted #11 seed. It’s all on the line in this one, folks!

La Famiglia at What the Puck

Location: Tompkins East, 2:00 PM

By La Famiglia Beat Reporter Bill Tucker

Game Keys: The air is crisper, the ‘Skins are causing Ellery to scream profanity whilst twirling his shirt and the BTSH playoff race is in full swing.  A crucial game in the Brown Division, the Omnipotent Octopi meet a What The Puck team that’s cruising’ through a 6 game winning streak.  Team leaders Larry “Mad Dog” Zimmer and Corey “Chongo” Winters are putting the biscuit in the basket while Anthony “Write Your Own Nickname” Romeo tends the net with style. With the threat of the WTP summer swoon officially behind them, the Orange Juggernaut looks to put a hammerlock on the division lead.  After a shellacking at the hands of Fresh Kills last week, La Famiglia is looking to right the ship with the remaining weeks in the regular season.  To assist his suddenly struggling team, captain Dave Ladanyi has attempted to purchase 15 kilos of fairy dust to give the Blue Menace some much needed September jump.  When asked how he came about this mythical substance, Ladanyi muttered something about the prestigious yet imaginary Fairy Tale Cup and ducked into a nearby alley.  Magical boost or not, this game is a must win for the former Tuques if they hope to contend for the division lead.

Dr. Hunter S. Tompkin’s Official Prediction: Last week was a personal disappointment for me.  With no tales of drunken debauchery to share, I did something I never thought I’d do on the BTSH website.  Give a genuine prediction.  Luckily for my long time fans, I spent this entire week in a cough syrup and cold medicine induced coma.  In honor of this new experiment in substance abuse, I award this game to the DayQuil Dynamos, What The Puck.

LBS Inc. at Sky Fighters

Location: Tompkins West, 2:00 PM

Game Keys: Yes, both these teams suffered losses last week. But this is the second season folks. Experience can beat talent and streaks are made to be broken. And these two veteran teams know that a couple of points may affect the standings but everybody makes the playoffs. Just ask former BTSH champs the Skyfighters. Dan Hopper has been resting his most talented players since about mid-July, making sure that everyone from Robert to Alice to James “Ramm” Stein is fresh for a deep playoff run. Meanwhile, the LBS. have decided to take the Marty Brodeur route, making sure that their wily veterans play in every game and hoping that lightning strikes. Sascha, Sam and even the forgotten LB. Brian Barrett may not light it up as often as they used to but there’s still enough water in the well for them to win this one. Whether they can turn that in to mission 6W is a question for another day.

Happy Little Elves at Fresh Kills

Location: Tompkins West, 3:00 PM

By Kills Beat reporter Eli Kazin

Game Keys: All of the key stats leading up to this Bratta Division contest point to a Fresh Kills victory. The defending champs have already beat the Happy Little Elves once this season (3-2 in Week 13), have the second best goal differential in the league, and are the only team in BTSH yet to lose a divisional game in regulation. The Elves, on the other hand, are scuffling. They have lost four of their past five games and are the only team that has yet to win a divisional game.

So why does Elves captain Rich Glanzer feel extremely confident about his team’s chances on Sunday? The answer is he made some very prescient bets that have given the Elves a personnel edge. First, Rich bet on the outcome of Sunday’s Steelers-Broncos game with Fresh Kills goaltender and avid Steelers fan Patrick Barch. If the Steelers won, Rich would play in goal for the Elves, but if the Broncos won, Barch would not be able to play in goal for Fresh Kills. Then, Rich bet on the outcome of a game of Skeeball (or Skeetball, depending on who you ask) with Nick Hobbs, which resulted in Hobbs not being able to play this Sunday. Not satisfied with just two bets, Rich also set up a wager with Nick Scott. He did not divulge the details of this wager, but the end result is that Scott is also not playing on Sunday. Rich also added that should the Elves win on Sunday, Steph Opitz has to raise his hand.

Editor’s Note: A post that’s all about Glanzer that no one really understands? What is this 2011?

Rehabs at Denim Demons

Location: Tompkins West, 4:30 PM

By Rich “Adam Rant” Glanzer

Game Keys: Well if it isn’t the Dark Rainbows versus the talented-laden Cobra Kai’ians.

So last week I wrote about how little talent everyone but JJ and Will Kuhns have on Cobra Kai. After they beat Math 3-2, I saw them and went to say hi, but Becky Pear kicked me in the shins, and Meredith Sladek threw a cup of water at me. I was a little confused by the hostile greeting but then I saw Peter Lang humping some poor homeless man and appreciated the return to normalcy.

But guess what CK…you beat MATH! Guess who else beat Math? Everyone else in the league! Now before you break out the stat that the Elves lost to Math this year, keep in mind the self proclaimed, “Greatest Player of Em’ All” Zach Norris was at my game, but missing vs. you. But I digress, one little victory over a JV team in the greatly named yet horrendously talentless Glanzer Division, isn’t going to get you into Lynbrook, where the BTSH Hall of Fame resides.

Lets see how you do vs. the pinkies. As for the Dark Rainbows, blah blah blah Abby, blah blah blah former Demons. The only two Rainbows I care about are $howt!m3 and the true, “Greatest Player of Em’ All” Bernstein! Bernstein is going to light Lang’s ass up more, than that male stripper Ronaldo did at Hunkomania, located at 301 W 39th St. Tell em’ Peter “Clubber” Lang sent you and get a loyalty discount!

Rainbows 5- Cobra Kai 1. Kai scored by the “Most talented player that never committed a legitimate penalty” Fay Wells!

Rehabs at Denim Demons

Location: Tompkins West, 4:30 PM

Game Keys: Zach Tinkelman scored three goals last week? Have the Demons renewed their pact with their Dark Lord? They’re sure looking like the team that used to annihilate opponents and scare young Bible College students. Meanwhile, the Rehabs are in that “Moment of Clarity” phase of their rebuilding. Was last week’s 7-0 drubbing from the Hookers rock bottom. Or is there further to fall before their inevitable comeback. The ‘Habs are one of the league’s classic franchises and they will see better days. But watching Jon Feldman furiously markup his copy of the BTSH rules doesn’t give us hope that this game will be the turning point in their season.

 Gouging Anklebiters at Mega Touch

Location: Tompkins East, 5:30 PM

Game Keys: The Anklebiters didn’t manage to lock up their division last week but it’s going to take a Metslike collapse for them not to come away with the #4 seed. But that doesn’t mean the Megas wouldn’t love to be the Marlins. Of course, no one on the Touch (with the exception of Eric Devlin) will probably get that reference. Team Captain Julie Katz convinced her beau (and lame duck Commissioner) Adriano Bratta to postpone their European vacation by a couple of weeks so that they could make their Glanzer division rivals sweat. And sweat they will as Mega breaks out the deep V and Jorts combo that proved so effective in distracting teams last year. Like Berlosconi on a bender, Katz will stop at nothing in her quest for victory. And Phil Donohue’s vow to tear up a picture of the Pope at center court will only make “Mussels” more motivated. Sorry, pound puppies. You’ll have to wait till next week to celebrate (unless, of course, Math loses and you back your way in to the playoffs). Andiamo, Mega.

Poutine Machine at Tompkins Square Riots

Location: Tompkins West, 5:30 PM

By ORG Special Correspondent Abby Meisterman

Game Keys: I was going protest writing this preview as it does not pertain to Cobra Kai, Filthy Gorgeous, or the Happy Little Elves. Fuck, these teams didn’t even play those teams last week! I’m at a bit of a lost.

Most people think the namesake of the Tompkins Square Riots are the 1988 TSP Riots which were a reaction to the 1 a.m. curfew placed on the previously open-24-hours park due to the “unsavory” characters that were taking over the East Village at the time. Those people would be mistaken as Amy Jones drew her inspiration from the 1874 riots. Those riots, happening amidst the depression that ensued after the Panic of 1873, had the police running the demonstrators (unemployed people looking for public works programs, not hand outs) out of the park. That being said, BTSH’s Riots aren’t looking for a handout. Which is good because Poutine Machine doesn’t do charity work. PM’s Brodie St. John leads the league with 9 goals (assuming the stats have been updated lately) and the Machine isn’t known for its kindness. Expect the Riots to take a stand and the Machine to mount their horses and ride rough-shod all over them.