By Reptar on Ice and Destiny’s Grandchild

Good friends, it’s time to take you on a trip down memory lane…it’s a good lane, the smells, the fashions, the tunes, I promise you’ll enjoy it.

You’re sitting in your family’s TV Room – your patchwork denim jacket slung over the chair, eating your Pringles and Dunkaroos,  sipping on your Cherry Coke while you watch TRL. Your annoying sibling is pestering you about who took the last pack of gushers, threatening to break your Nintendo, and the obnoxiously catchy Hot Pocket jingle is stuck in your head. Hoping and praying your Mom won’t tell you it’s another SpaghettiO’s night. It was a good time, a simple time, a time of skip its and butterfly clips. A time of overalls, bucket hats, and SO MUCH GLITTER! Beloved cartoons like Tiny Toons and Care Bears – no worries if your parents weren’t around, you had Uncle Phil to guide you when needed. Oh to be back there again, showing off your brand new jelly sandals, trading away your fruit by the foot for some 3D Doritos. What a time to be alive, what a time to be a kid, a teenager, a 20 something – any age! So, sit back, relax, it’s time to slam now, we got the real jam goin down, so don’t speak, just keep sipping on that gin & juice, livin’ in that gansta’s paradise. Life is demanding, without understanding, but that is all the more reason to jump around, jump up, jump up and get down.

Want to relive the glory days?? You can! Come to BTSH Prom this Saturday night @Blue, 220 West 44th Street. Doors open at 9:00pm and enjoy a $30 open bar while Tim K will be serves up only the greatest 90’s jams!

WTP vs. Gremlins

What the Puck: What’s black and white and orange all over? An anthropomorphic penguin going to town on some mac ‘n cheese. That’s right folks, WTP are Kid Cuisine. I mean, Mom’s cooking was good and all, but who wasn’t constantly hoping she’d announce it was TV Dinner night – and not just bc obvi you get to watch TV with TV DINNER! WTP epitomizes this cool kid frozen dinner – like the many different dinners Kid Cuisine offers, WTP is an eclectic group of people who are here for a good time, not a long time (bc dang was that dinner yummy). Look closely at the box. Think Kid Cuisine comes with fruit? PSYCH!!! WTP are wolfing down fruity gummies made of only the finest high-fructose corn syrup to give them the energy they need to own some n00bs on the rink.

Gremlins: Call me Bob Ross, and let me paint a picture for you… JW, Rockoff, Jamie, Ryan M, and Erich sitting around on a Saturday night playing one of the most epic board games ever to be thought up. No, not Monopoly or The Game of Life – yes, you guessed it – Pretty, Pretty, Princess. They’re strong willed, and want to win, but not without their fine jewelry, and the delicate needs of only the Prettiest of Princesses in BTSH. JW fighting off to snag the pink clip-on earrings, and Ryan M calling Jamie on a foul as he goes to claim the blue necklace. But it’s quiet, Rockoff who is stalking his way, fully decked out in his plastic finery, but just as he’s about to tell the others to kiss the ring, Marcella (who wasn’t even playing wtf!) comes out of nowhere to snake the coveted tiara.

‘90s Matchup: Pretty Pretty Princess. As an older brother, I’ve been forced to play, and not a bad game. Winning is winning after all.  

BTSH Matchup: Gremies to put up a fight, but let’s call a spade a spade, WTP to keep rolling. WTP 3 – Gremlins 2.

Fuzz vs. Fresh Kills

Fuzz: Purple and Green ketchup. I think you all know why, so we will just leave it there.

Fresh Kills: Bop It! Wildly frustrating, but disturbingly fun, and even after it has frustrated you to the nth degree, fully sucking out your will to play – nay, do anything but play until you have thoroughly bopped it, twisted it, and pulled it (dirty!) – from your body, you can still hear the screams of  “BOP IT! TWIST IT! PULL IT! YOU LOSE!” haunting your dreams. 

‘90s Matchup: Green/Purple ketchup never hurt nobody. Unless there was an E.Coli scare that went overlooked.

BTSH Matchup: This is a tough one…FK > Fuzz – 4-3 in a 10 round shootout.

Instant Karma vs. Sky Fighters

Instant Karma: Lunchables: The complete package—They’re fun, they’re well balanced, nutritious*, and delicious. Karma is just that – they’re well balanced in skill and fun but oh how delicious those devils are to look at. They are an absolute party in a perfect rectangular cardboard box! 

*What exactly is nutritious about a Ritz cracker with tomato sauce (aka zesty ketchup), some questionable pepperoni, and three pieces of fake cheese? And why would parents think this was a well-balanced meal to send their kids to school with? 

Sky Fighters: The Sky Fighters are like Pokémon Red for Gameboy Color. Helluva game, but your older sibling is going to steal it, beat four gyms without your knowing, and by the time your parents make him/her give it back, all your Pokémon’s names are “Butt” and you missed all their evolutions. Touchy subject. Still not ready to talk about it. Might never be, okay! 

‘90s Matchup: Pikachu, I choose you!!!. Pokémon was the staple of any healthy ‘90s childhood. 

BTSH Matchup: Karma and their rugged good looks will clap down on the Sky Fighters and win 5 – 3.

Math vs. Filthier

Math: Bagel Bites, a classic snack that stands the test of time much like Math. The bagel bite holds true to the core idea of a pizza just like Math does to the core values of BTSH, but they both have their own little razzle dazzle. Bagel Bites, like Math, have a sturdy foundation, they’re saucy and dare I say it a bit zesty, but beware, you try to snack on that bite when they’re too hot, you will get burned. Must I draw out this comparison any further?

Filthier: Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. Try to name someone not smooth as hell on Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. You can’t. Will, Hilary, and Ashley, could talk their way into and out of anything. Geoffrey, even without a British accent was so suave and debonair he could get away with murder. Even Carlton, the nerdiest and least likeable character on the show, could bust a move. Try to name someone not smooth on Filthier. You get our point? If you don’t – then we have much bigger problems. 

‘90s Matchup: Gotta go Fresh Prince. Bagel Bites give short-term happiness. Will Smith is forever. But this was a tough one. 

BTSH Matchup: Math will put up a fight, and they will even net a few, but ultimately Anne’s cherry picking will help Filthier take home the W. 6-4 Filthier.

Gut Rot vs. Mega Touch

Gut Rot: Gut Rot is the iconic Nickelodeon slime. Not because they’re slimy players, definitely not, but because you can find them hustling around the rink in their (s)lime green jerseys. They are a sticky group – steadfast in who they are, and frankly we’re all a little jealous of their fun (just like we were all a little jealous of all those kids on tv who got slimed (slime me damn it! Please!) Plus how reminiscent is the orange hair/green jersey combo on Ol’ Pal Morgie. Has to take folks back to the legendary Nick’s splat logo. 

Mega Touch: Butterfly Clips. Like those beautiful, colorful clips, Meg Touch is cute, lovable, and just so darn delicate looking. What you don’t know is that Butterfly clips are made of tough, hard plastic, and if you underestimate them, they will surprise you. Ever step on a butterfly clip? You don’t have to if you’ve ever so foolishly underestimated Mega Touch. 

‘90s Matchup: The boys will slime, the girls will say butterfly clips…it’s a tie. They’re equa amazing. 

BTSH Matchup: Mega Touch! Mega Tough! Mega Touch! But it will be a really fun game between two great teams! 5-3 Mega Touch.

Butchers vs. Cobra Kai

Butchers: One show, and one show only – the Rugrats. You want to talk about high-quality animated content? Well look no further than Rugrats. An absolute stud of a squad led by everyone’s favorite full-diapered ‘90s babies. Butchers, led by their Tommys—Dana and Georgine—are an eclectic group ready for a fight at the drop of a pacifier. They may not always win, but you’re damn sure they’re having fun and causing mayhem when together. With the grown-up, tatted Phil and Chucky (Jake T. and Brady) and Angelica Pickles (Cheeky. I mean c’mon.) in tow…”A Butchers gotta do what a Butchers gotta do.”

Cobra Kai: Just like the hit after hit after hit popped into your stylish af Hit Clip, ain’t no scrubs on Cobra Kai’s roster. There’s no Justin Bieber Hit Clips for a reason. Only ‘90s gold on them mini-bits of plastic and (probably harmful) metal chips. 

‘90s Matchup: Hit clips were great, but the Rugrats provided so much more. They create a set of heroes for a generation. Rugrats for the win.

BTSH Matchup: The Butchers like to surprise everybody, but alas, Cobra Kai will out muscle them (just barely!!) to a victory. 3-2.

Anklebiters vs. Hookers

Gouging Ankelbiters: Speed, style, skill, and Squid.The Biters are the living, human version of the cool, chill group of surfing, roller blading, skateboarding competitors – who sometimes like to get themselves into a pickle – this league knows and loves. Team Rocket Power has it all, and so do the Biters!

Corlear Hookers: Hookers are everyone’s favorite plastic-packaged and plastic-tasting drink…Squeezits. Let’s take a trip down memory lane. You just finished a savage game of street hockey, and someone whips out a 6er of Squeezits. The Chucklin’ Cherry is giving you a nice sugar buzz as the plastic top thingys are whizzing by your head. 

Now, the hockey’s still there, but it’s more of a real buzz for the Hookers. And not to point fingers, but you can find probably find at least one Hooker drunk off a few Cherry + Admiral Nelson concoctions with the rest of the team Chucklin’ at his Panama Jack hat. 

‘90s Matchup: Rocket Power is so much better than Squeezits. No contest. Woogady woogady woogady. 

BTSH Matchup: Anklebiters. 4-1. If Probie has it in his head that he’s anything like Otto, he’ll have himself a day. 

Riots vs. Demons

Denim Demons: It works almost too well for the Demons to be The Wild Thornberrys – when the creators made the show, they were imagining the future BTSH team “Denim Demons”. Casca looks like Donnie, Neil and DRo have as much control of their limbs as Darwin, Gene is an animal/beast of some kind, Sara Klein and Tracy epitomize Eliza, and Popack is the lioness — always on the hunt (for alcohol) and protecting her cubs, and Rubens is as big a diva as Debbie. Like the jungle the Thornberry family was exploring, the Demons are a wild card on if they want to show up and be classy or will the live showing of the Jersey Shore.

Riots: In the 90’s we had our scrunchy glitter pop, we had our f the world rock, we had our gangster’s paradise, and let’s not forget Brandy owning hip hop, but there’s one lady who created her very own niche market – alternative feminist rock. Yes, yes, I’m talking Alanis Morrisette. Like our lovable Riots, Alanis was here to fight, for the female right (too party! jkjk but needed to finish the lyric) for social justice, and while she didn’t have any advanced degrees, judging by her song “You Learn,” she certainly valued the importance of learning from life experiences! Truly the Riots are Alanis. Or Alanis is the Riots. Low key proposing the Riots change their name to The Jagged Little Pills.

‘90s Matchup: The Thornberrys were great and all, don’t get me wrong and all, but Alanis Morisette’s feminism is timeless. Alanis, rock on with your bad self, ROCK. On.!

BTSH Matchup: Demons will show up. They will argue with the refs. They will likely break a stick. The Riots will tell them to read a book. The Demons won’t know what to do with said book. Then the Demons will win 4-1.

Dark Rainbows vs. Poutine Machine

Dark Rainbows: Rainbows. The Lite-Brite of the ‘90s toy chest. They’re the fun, multi-colored toy that has all the pieces for greatness, but you end up writing something like “hi” or making a smiley face. 

Poutine Machine: If CTE is more fun than a pillow fight, then Poutine are Socker Boppers. Poutine have a lot of punch and quick hands, but are definitely the first ones to bust out these inflatable fists o’ fury at a sleepover. 

‘90s Matchup: Lite Brite, no contest. Don’t @ me.

BTSH Matchup: Alas, the PooPoo Crew are favored to win this one…the Rainbows will fight with all their might, but ultimately the Poo’s will take them 4-2.

Rehabs vs. LBS

LBS: The Seinfeld of the league— LBS is the quirky bunch of degenerates that will get you into all sorts of trouble off the court while firing sharp chirps and quick wit on it. The embody the various characters of the show with A Frey oddly reminding us of a strange mix of all three male leads.

Rehabs:  Friends. They’re a close-knit bunch of friends, lovers, and confidants who like to come together at their favorite park to trounce other teams or share a beer or two, but like every merry band of friends, they have their arguments.

‘90s Matchup: In our primetime matchup of the day, we have NBC’s two greatest sitcoms of the ‘90s battling it out for the #1 spot. In one corner there’s Seinfeld/Lbs in the other, we have Friends/Rehabs, who can for sure keep pace with the witty charm of Seinfeld. (And their Hockey IQ ain’t too shabby either.) Let’s be real though, Seinfeld inspired Friends, Seinfeld for the W.

BTSH Matchup: Buckle up for an hour of laughs, tears, and controversial ref calls, because this should be a doozy. Lbs stay hot hot hot. They will take the Rehabs in OT 2-1, and there will be much bemoaning.