Cobra Kai (final game: Corlears Hookers) at Filthier (final game: Fuzz)
by Arya Stark
Two of the league’s top teams face off in Sunday’s kickoff matchup when #2 seeded Cobra Kai takes on the #4 seeded 2015 champion Filthier. Filthier is coming off an impressive and somewhat controversial shootout win over Fresh Kills that gave the blue machine their first blemish of the season. Filthy sits at #3 in the league in goals for and needs this game to keep pace for a top four seed which would mathematically guarantee a first round matchup against a play-in team and the ability to avoid a Fresh Kills revenge game until the final four. Meanwhile, Cobra Kai haven’t suffered a loss since a June 4 defeat to those very same Fresh Kills, reeling off an impressive seven straight in the interim. They have perhaps the toughest remaining schedule of all teams with this matchup followed by a season ender against the Hookers that will likely determine the division winner. If they win both, they’ll clinch second place as they hold the tiebreaker against the Rehabs and guarantee themselves a promotion to the CMB division next season. The key to this game (besides Will Green scoring hat tricks and having sex on the sidelines) will be the matchup in net where Campbell will have to be at his best to shut down Filthy’s firepower and Tim will need to match him every step of the way.
Prediction: Cobra Kai keeps the momentum going with a hard fought 4-3 win.
Mega Touch (L/L/W/L/L; final game: Gremlins) at LBS., Inc. (W/W/W/W/L; final game: Rehabs)
Tompkins West, 1530
Our jort-wearing crew succinctly doesn’t stand a chance, and the los blancos find it imperative to get out of the bottom 40% of the league standings (for those of you not good at fractions: 20 teams in total, bottom 40%: bottom 8 teams. Got it? Good.). Karsten might not show because he’ll be busy jetsetting, but you know who will be there? Of course, the man who must not be named, and perhaps in a certain light, he would look like Voldemort, but evil wizard or not, his hockey sorcery might net him a brace, after Brady has worked the hardest to parry him.
Prediction: Los blancos by two.
Poutine Machine (final game: What The Puck) at Mathematics (final game: Denim Demons)
With the Michaliga division all wrapped up Hornswoggle and Co. don’t have a whole lot to play for down the stretch of the season. Sure Mike can attempt to work on padding his stats, Christina might notch a second career goal, but from what I’m hearing they’re focused on Drunk Machine at Hockey Beach.
Math on the other hand have a shot at finishing atop the CMB division. With only 1 point behind the Butchers, and two points out of the lead, they could going out on two dates with Liz and Klion next season. The real question though is do they want to? (Play in the Soko division that is. I mean, come on, who wouldn’t two shots at those gals?)
Prediction: Machine comes out swinging (geez, we hope not literally) and shocks Math by taking an early two goal lead, but the heroics of Michele and Hippy in the second will secure the W by one.
Dark Rainbows (L/L/L/L/L; final game: Mathematics) at Butchers (W/L/W/L/L; final game: Fresh Kills)
Tompkins West, 1645
This might be a real snoozer, but you might be in for a surprise if you stick for this one. It should be made apparent now more than ever that our bloody meat cleavers—particularly the captain, Rachel—don’t want to get promoted to the premier Soko Division. What an opportunity to hand over a win to the winless men and women in flamingo pink: the team that has done its best week after week, failed, and still manages to hold a smile despite the record. If all goes well, Rachel shall allow Mike T. from Sky Fighters, Zac from What the Puck, and Maire from Gremlins to play this game.
Prediction: Rachel’s really gonna throw in the towel. Rainbows by 1, so it doesn’t look suspect.
Fresh Kills (W/W/W/W/SO; final game: Butchers) at Corlears Hookers (W/W/W/W/W; final game: Cobra Kai)
Hockey Night in Tompkins [National Telecast], Tompkins East, 1800
Either this will be a barnburner, or a complete stalemate in regulation. Unfair to masses is how Filthier had to take a point away from Barch last week, because it would’ve been nice to be part of an undefeated team in the history books. Question is, though: with a point to secure the league and one game remaining, is it worth it to play a full squad? The [Cr]ookers certainly need the points to approach the division title, and they’ll definitely try hard to do it… they might even overdo it if Fresh Kills are short and simply hand them a mercy rule. But if Fresh Kills wants to play, they’ll play.
Prediction: A full Kills squad will give Longwell a hard time, and the Hookers’ chirpers won’t be able to sufficiently counter Ariel and Gabe. Fresh Kills by two.
Gouging Anklebiters (L/L/W/L/W; final game: Sky Fighters) at Gut Rot (W/L/W/W/L; final game: Instant Karma)
Hockey Night in Tompkins [Regional Telecast], Tompkins West, 1800
The final matchup of the day is the kind where, after you’ve watched the game and TV stations are trying to fill in the time slots, they put the ShamWow™ dude on. Sure, the first few minutes might show energy, but the entire infomercial is shit. Just plain shit. Sidenote: the renditions/parodies on YouTube are hilarious. Back on track—Chadtrick’s troops have more of a motivation to prevent being relegated than Gut Rot sabotaging Poutine’s or What the Puck’s plans of dominating the division. And with Barcelona losing the Supercopa de Espana this week and signing the “worst player of Tottenham”, Isaac might use the stored anger constructively: towards his matchup.
That’s not to say that kids like Akhil and Gilligan won’t score—in fact, they will—but I reckon it won’t be enough to match what Probie and Alex can put up, especially when the former is due to score again.
Prediction: Anklebiters will sail its ship in turbulent waters, but come out with the two points they’ve been searching for. But Gut Rot will have one more chance to ruin Poutine or What the Puck (most likely the latter if Poutine wins the matchup… with What the Puck).