Dan Owens Can Still Win The Scoring Race

With just two weeks remaining in the regular season, the race for the 2011 BTSH scoring title is nearing a conclusion.  Here are the top contenders for this coveted achievement, which guarantees one pull from the media’s Mystery Box at the end of season awards ceremony:

Denis Miciletto, La Famiglia (21 goals): Miciletto has dominated the league this season, compiling a seven-goal cushion over his closest competitor. He has recorded a goal in 13 of La Famiglia’s 15 games and is currently riding a 10-game scoring streak. However, this streak is in some danger of ending during La Famiglia’s last two games. Miciletto will be shooting against two of the league’s top goaltenders in Eric Ramirez (Butchers) and Tim Brown (Poutine Machine). In addition, with La Famiglia having clinched the Donohue Division title already, captain Dave Ladanyi has hinted that Miciletto may only see a handful of shifts per game in order to rest up for the playoffs. Nevertheless, he remains the overwhelming favorite. Odds of winning: 1-10.

Shafiq “Off Black” Perry, La Famiglia (14 goals): Perry has benefited from being Miciletto’s linemate for the 2011 season, taking full advantage of opposing defenses’ focus on BTSH’s scoring leader. However, he is tired of living in his heavily tattooed teammate’s shadow, and Perry has vowed to claim the scoring title for himself, even if it means utilizing the “Jason Eitel method” of hockey, which involves no passing whatsoever. In fact, there are even rumors that Perry has bribed La Famiglia defender, and self-proclaimed league assist leader, Ant “Father Time” Ventolieri not to pass to Miciletto. Ant took the money, but can you really trust him? Odds of winning: 35-1.

“The Charismatic Enigma” Arthur Revechkis, Butchers (14 goals): Although he hasn’t been a strong contender in the scoring race for most of the season, Revechkis has made a serious push in recent weeks. He has scored nine goals in his last five games, propelling him to a tie for second in the league. Although he remains a long shot, Revechkis does have the advantage of facing La Famiglia this week to personally defend Miciletto and Perry, and the good fortune to draw the shaky Elves defense in his final game of the season. Odds of winning: 35-1.

Ben Bloom, Butchers (13 goals): Bloom always seems to find himself in the discussion of BTSH’s top scorers, but he has never been able to finish on top. As usual, his legendary refusal to back check has allowed him to cherry pick double-digit goals, keeping him in the league’s top five scorers. However, if he wishes to be number one, he has a tall mountain to climb, as he must first pass Revechkis, his own teammate. Of course, this means that Bloom will also get a chance to face a suspect Elves defense. Odds of winning: 45-1.

The Field (12 or fewer goals): Although very few players beyond the aforementioned top four have stood out this season, there remains a mathematical chance for anyone to win the scoring race. Some of the notables in this group include 2008’s scoring champion Adriano “Muscles Marinara” Bratta (MT), Gut Rot’s Tom, grizzled veteran Tom MacDonald (WTP), BTSH’s fastest and strongest player David Kenneth Fraser (DD), the heroic Rich Glanzer (HLE), the substantially less heroic Adela Ibric (HLE), goaltender Dan “D.O.” Owens (FG), Mike Haas (PM), and Julie Katz’s pick, the Sky Fighters’ Cory Watkinson. Odds of winning: 75-1.

Three Stars of the Week

Third Star: Eric Ramirez, Butchers. Ramirez recorded his fourth shutout of the 2011 season with a dazzling performance against the vaunted LBS, Inc. offense.  The Butchers’ 5-0 win snapped the team’s two-game losing streak and bumped Eric to fourth in the league with a 1.71 GAA.
Second Star: Courtney, Unicorns.  In the day’s most exciting game, Courtney scored the game-winning goal as time expired in regulation, giving the Unicorns a 4-3 win over Cobra Kai.  The goal came just a minute after Cobra Kai had tied the game, but with the game seemingly headed towards overtime, Courtney connected after receiving a long pass from league face Joe Polowczuk.
First Star: Alex Derhohannesian, Gouging Anklebiters.  Derho’s hat trick led the Gouging Anklebiters, who unveiled a new blue-less jersey on Sunday, to a 5-4 upset of the defending champion Happy Little Elves.  His third goal broke a 4-4 tie with 3:30 remaining in regulation, and the Biters were able to hang on to the lead for their fifth win of the season.

Shaun deLacy GAA Watch Update

This year, due to a series of stupid bets made by Happy Little Elves goalie Shaun deLacy, the media will track his goals against average over the course of the regular season.

Goals Allowed This Week: 5 (vs. Gouging Anklebiters)
Goals Allowed Previously: 43
Goals Allowed This Season: 48
Games Played: 14
Goals Against Average: 3.43
Next Opponent: Filthy Gorgeous (2.67 goals per game)

Shaun turned in another disappointing performance on Sunday, allowing five goals to the Gouging Anklebiters.  His goals against average has now climbed to 3.43 with just two regular season games remaining.  This Sunday, the Happy Little Elves are scheduled to face Filthy Gorgeous, who tallied five goals against the Elves in Week 12.  However, there are several unconfirmed rumors circulating that deLacy may not suit up this weekend anyway.

Know Your Neighbor

Written heroically by Tuques beat reporter Rich Glanzer

Name: Luisa Mirarchi
Team: Dark Rainbows
Suggested Nicknames: Luuuuuuuuuu, Louuuuu S A!! Luuuuuuuuu S A!!
Rejected Nicknames: La-Coo-Ma-Rachi
Origin: Brooklyn, NY
College: Mount Holyoke College
Quote: “My 2nd grade teacher gave me an A-minus instead of an A once. Once.”
First Job: Professional soccer player for the “Olympique” in Lyon, France.
Current Job: Executive at a Brooklyn start-up that raises money for NYC public schools
Current Accomplishments: NY State Chess Champion for her age group, ca. 1995; played professional soccer in Europe!
Current Failures: In 2011, was unable to hold on to her title as Brooklyn Heights beatboxing champion (2006-2010).
Hero(es): Mia Hamm, Jack Bauer, Rem
Reason to Love Her: Scored the regulation goal and an epic shootout goal against Team Moffo at Ocean City, leading Richie’s Kids to a 2-1 victory. (Well…that’s at least why I love her.)
Reason to Hate Her: Ever play against her?? If so, you know what I’m talking about.
Best Known For: Sending multiple people to area hospitals during the co-ed and women’s division tournaments in Ocean City. She always told her teammates how horrible she felt as her victims were taken off on a stretcher.
Fast Fact: She was lying to her teammates.
Favorite Things: Scoring goals, Elves (both the BTSH team and actual Elves), small people, hurting people
Favorite Candy: She never eats candy, but if she did it would be mini 3 Musketeers.
Least Favorite Things: Manute Bol, Zdeno Chara, Ben Chadwick
Hockey Comparison: Mark Pavelich, Jerome Victor Ramos
Non-Hockey Comparison: Hornswoggle, Eddie Gaedel, Danny DeVito, Gary Coleman, Webster
Things The Media Will Continue to Overhype About Her: Fluent in French and Italian, getting there with English
Down the Road: Luisa suffered the ultimate BTSH humiliation this season, losing both the Barnacle Bowl to the Happy Little Elves and the prestigious (yet imaginary) Fairy Tale Cup (also to the Happy Little Elves) with her current team…the Dark Rainbows. Luisa swears revenge against the hated Elves and reaches out to Gina Hackett and Kami Moore, who play for the Elves most hated rivals, the Rehabs. Luisa terrorizes the Elves and the rest of the league for many years. Area hospitals fill with hipsters, which help the economy rebound, as those unemployed vermin are now off the streets. In 2016, President $howT!m3 Melendez steals Luisa from What The Puck and appoints her to Executive of Offense (Luisa is nobody’s secretary). In 2018, after defeating Cuba, the USSR, Peru and Canada in World Wars, $howT!m3 is finally allowed back on the Rehabs by captain Meredith Danberg-Ficarelli, as long as he brings Luisa back with him. Luisa declines the invitation, and President $howT!m3 still does not have a BTSH team. Infuriated, President Melendez fires her from his staff. Thinking every other country in the world is weak, Luisa takes over the country once known as Kamchatka and renames it Luisa. There, she trains an all female-midget army and takes over America, also naming it Luisa. On the outside, Luisa seems like the most powerful and satisfied person in the world, but an E! True Hollywood Story will come out in 2023, revealing the one thing missing in her life is the prestigious (yet imaginary) Fairy Tale Cup. Luisa joins the Unicorns, and they  sweep the Elves, Rainbows and La Tuques Cinderella. Unfortunately, Luisa had the Unicorns switch their name to Luisa, and Derek and Elly rule that they are ineligible to participate in the triangular series. Devastated, much like Diane Johnston, Luisa quits BTSH. Another sad end to a fine career.