Wow, that break went by quickly! So quick Tim Brown didn’t even have time to sober up enough to get us the week 16 boxscores (welcome back, Timmy. We always like to start every part of the season with a friendly dig at the Commish). But even the earliest Rosh Hashanah in a century couldn’t stop the intrepid Rich Glanzer from making this plea …

Fresh Kills at Corlear Hookers
3:00 pm, Tompkins Square East
by Rich “Take care of my light work, Eitel” Glanzer

Nuh-uh. Not on my watch.

Denim Demons at Sky Fiughters 
1:00 pm, Tompkins Square East

The Demons have been rolling through the summer season while the Sky Fighters have struggled a bit. The start of the NFL Season and yet another Long Island Medium marathon (both scheduled for this weekend) won’t help. Hopper will be obsessing about the Steelers and Stein will be hosting the two members of his friends and family circle who haven’t yet appreciated the production genius of the aforementioned reality series. Their only hope for victory may be doctoring the calendar so that Zack, Jeff and crew believe Yom Kippur is even earlier than it actually is this year. Even a fasting Demons squad may be hard to stop. 3-2 to the Redshirts.

La Famiglia at Tompkins Square Riots
1:00 pm, Tompkins Square East

With three games left in the season TSR are battling for position in the play in round. Being the lowest seed might not hurt them too much but nobody wants to win the wooden spoon. La Famiglia are firmly in the middle of the pack but they’d still be happy to take the two points. And we think they’ll get their wish. A full bench TSR squad is competitive with any team in the league but that long break is going to make it hard for Amy to field a deep squad. Advantage Tuques. 

Filthy Gorgeous at What the Puck
2:00 pm, Tompkins Square East

If this game had been played in August it would have been a case of short bench vs. no bench. But traditionally WTP actually starts showing up for games after Labor Day. Let’s hope that trend continues as nobody wants to see another forfeit. FG have been struggling to replace the deeply missed Carolin Currie and Dan Owens but even without those stalwarts they’ve managed to stay competitive. Look for a tight game between these two competitive squads. And Zimm, if you’re reading this, try and make it to a game at some point this season, ok? Corey can’t do it all by himself!

Mathematics at Gut Rot
2:00 pm, Tompkins Square West

While there’s no question that Math have been steamrolling their division, Gut Rot are not an easy W these days. Tommy Cho has taken on the spiritual “C” in Peaches’ absence and his team is following his lead of playing competitive hockey, still maintaining a chill attitude and solving complex logistics issues in their spare time. Well, to be honest, they might still be working on that last part. But at least Gilligan has figured out which subway to take to the game.

Meanwhile, Math are winning on the court but going through some big issues off the asphalt. Derek “Big Man” Tagliarino has returned from his honeymoon only to find the aristocratic Norris family in full control of the Math squad. But to the Norri’s chagrin, he’s invoked the ancient Pon Far ceremony from the original STAR TREK series (Sharif added it to the Math constitution in a moment of ultimate nerdishness). Now Zach and Derek will battle to the death before they face off against Gut Rot. And the only winner will be power behind the throne, Eli Kazin, who started planning all this when he introduced Derek and Michelle at the Johnsons’ lo those many years ago. What a way to play the long game, Eli.

Dark Rainbows at Gouging Anklebiters
3:00 pm, Tompkins Square West

Can we just take a second to say that we miss Bill Tucker? Normally, he would have a heartfelt writeup complete with predictions from fictional alter egos and other pseudo- Hunter S. Thompsonesque anecdotes. Us? We can’t tell you much beyond the fact that Ariel Kipnis is giving Jamie B. a run for the money as the most underrated goalie in BTSH. If the Pound Puppies aren’t careful, the Hockey Hippies may just steal a “W” from them.

Lbs. Inc at Butchers
4:30 pm, Tompkins Square West

Respect to the Lbs. who will be wearing black armbands for the rest of the season in honor of Ken “the Alpha Male” Poulin (Editor’s Note: Ken’s not dead, he just moved to New Hampshire). Will the Prepsters continue to roll now that Karsten has lost his wingman? We can’t see why not. Tommy, Ali, Jason and co. are still a top-tier offensive squad. And the Lbs. are always serious contenders for the Jon “Dinner Plate” Feldman award (for BTSH neophytes that means they are not shy about sharing their opinions with the referees). Meanwhile, the Butchers get chiller with every game. They’re now at the point where Jeff Daniels is taking Zen lessons from them. So if it comes down to who wants it more, we’ll bet on the Lbs. At least till the playoffs come around.

Mega Touch at Rehabs
4:30 pm, Tompkins Square West

Two old school teams meet for the umpteenth time. Looking at their records, this could be a very tight game. You want more? Why not make your own writeup? Here are some basic factoids to get you started:

1. Julie Katz likes candy.
2. Adriano scores a lot.
3. Alex Eben Meyer’s socks are in the BTSH Hall of Fame
4. The Rehabs suck.
5. Showtime has played for more BTSH teams than any other BTSH player (active or retired).
6. We have no idea who will be in goal for the Habs during this game.

Happy Little Elves at Poutine Machine
5:30 pm, Tompkins Square West
by Eli “Sustainable Journalism” Kazin

It’s Rosh Hashanah, so we can’t spend too much time putting together this preview.  In a stroke of luck, we were assigned Poutine and Elves back in Week 4, so let’s just check on some of what we wrote back then and see if it still works for this week.

Then: What is going on with Poutine Machine? Their three losses so far equals their regular season total for 2011 and is just one less than their regular season total for all of last season.
Now: They’re up to 10 losses and sit in last place in the Brown Division. 

Then: Tim “Virgil” Brown is still manning the crease, Sven Patrick Larsen is still calling the shots, and they even poached Jerome “Hornswoggle” Ramos from the Happy Little Elves during the off-season.
Now: All still true.  This is turning out to be pretty easy.

Then: Through three games, though, the offense has mustered just one goal.
Now: The offense has put up 14 goals in 15 games.  So the goals per game average has increased by more than half a goal per game.  That’s respectable.

Then: The Happy Little Elves, on the other hand, have logged three wins to start the season, and have not appeared to miss Jerome.
Now: They have gone just 5-6 since beating Poutine the first time, but still do not miss Jerome.

Then: Two of their new acquisitions, Chris Tennekoon and Anthony Sigreti, have each scored overtime winners, proving once again that Jenna Cruff owns the off-season.
Now: Chris, Anthony, and Jenna all still play for the Elves.

Then: Prediction of Happy Little Elves 4, Poutine Machine 2.
Now: The Elves won the first game 3-1, so the original prediction seems about right.  Elves 4, Poutine 2.

Cobra Kai at Gremlins
5:30 pm, Tompkins Square West

The Dojo are in a similar position as TSR. Trying to avoid the bottom of the table and a bad playoff matchup. But going up against hot hand Jamie B. is not going to help their chances. Their only hope may lie in the fact that the Gems have been going through a bit of a scoring drought of late. Will the rumored return of Luke “the Nuke” Berg spark the dormant Grems offense? And if so, will anyone still be around to see it? 5:30 September games are like Terence Malick films. Even if they’re high quality, nobody’s watching them.