Denim Demons vs. Tompkins Square Riots
When I first moved to New York, I watched the complete Buffy the Vampire Slayer series on Netflix every single night when I came home from work, because I didn’t have money to do anything else and also I’d never seen it because I thought it was “too scary” in middle/high school. In Buffy, vampires are just like, a variety of demon that inhabit humans, and like aside from the usual vampire symptoms (scary teeth, blood lust, yada yada yada) they for some reason get really wrinkly foreheads. What if you knew it was like, the Denim Demons time to play hockey because they just got wrinkly foreheads. Or wrinkly jeans? I think the Brosens would make a really top notch vampire villain brother duo. Someone alert Joss Whedon!
I feel sorry for the Riots because the skateboarders fucking won (!!!!) before they got to riot in TSP on Saturday. I hate a missed punk rock opportunity.
Prediction: Demons 5, Riots 0.
Mathematics vs. Gouging Anklebiters
There are two kinds of people in this world. People who at a group meal at a restaurant suggest to just split evenly, no matter what people got. And people who go through the receipt, itemize it, and ask their friends to venmo them $21.86 and $34.12 respectively.
Gouging Anklebiters are the former and Mathematics are the latter.
Prediction: Ganks 4, Math 1.
Gut Rot vs. What the Puck
This is truly embarrassing but one time I googled what gut rot was. And now, all these years later, you know what? I’m still not really sure I know what it is. Is it like an ulcer? A tummy ache?
Here’s what I do know: cellar door is often cited as the most beautiful phrase in the English language. It’s not. It’s gut rot bitchez.
This is probably my first and last acknowledgement in this preview of the sport of hockey, but What the Puck is on a fucking tear. Recently, the Dark Rainbows did a mixer with WTP and I am pretty sure convinced Justin to stay out gambling until 2am on a school night.
Prediction: Gut Rot 2, What the Puck 6.
LBS, Inc. vs Fresh Kills
Pounds remind me of Brexit – that’s just where my mind goes. Isn’t Brexit rather… boring? It’s like, come on, shit or get off the pot. Did you come to the BTSH previews for political takes, or did you come to the BTSH previews for hockey predictions? Well guess fucking what. You’re getting neither. You’re getting the stream of conscious, livejournal-like hot takes from a woman who has better shit to do, like call Art Shamsky for a nice chat about his latest golf game.
Fresh Kills remind me of… murder.
Prediction: LBS 2, Fresh Kills 1.
Sky Fighters vs. Gremlins
Before Week 16 (17?) previews became what they are today (ie. a misunderstood avant garde work of diaristic literature) I workshopped a lot of ideas on how to frame them. Perhaps my best idea was to base it off the life and career of Chloë Sevigny. Perhaps my second best idea was to base it off different horse breeds. I will do that in miniature here:
Sky Fighters are Big Love Andalusion Horse Chloë Sevigny: Beautiful, of course, but perhaps a bit underappreciated, losing attention to first wives, and feeling a bit huffy about it.
Gremlins are Last Days of Disco Pinto Horse Chloë Sevigny: Frequently confused for the 1984’s film Gremlins’ main character, Gizmo, and nostalgic for an era that’s never coming back.
Prediction: Sky Fighters 0, Gremlins 3.
Instant Karma vs. Poutine Machine
If you liked Buffy, may I suggest Wynona Earp – it’s basically Buffy just with like, cowboys, and it’s Canadian. Does Poutine even have any Canadians anymore? No judgement, just wondering if they’ve strayed from their roots. Karma I recognize is definitely just culturally appropriating so let’s not dwell too long on that, they’re nice guys not to mention their captain is my editor.
Out of curiosity, if you’ve made it this far – on a scale from 1 to 10, 1 being “this is literally unreadable Rich is going to fire this bitch again” and 10 being “this is a fucking masterpiece” how do you think I am doing at previews – how do I rate? Nevermind, don’t answer that.
Prediction: Karma 4, Poutine 2.
Filthier vs. Rehabs
What would you do in this situation:
Your office has two bathrooms. Every day after your morning coffee, you need to take a dump. The bathroom that is far away from your coworkers does not reliably flush. The other bathroom does have a reliable flush, but it is directly next to your coworkers’ desks.
Which bathroom do you choose?
Prediction: Filthier 4, Rehabs 3.
Corlears Hookers vs. Fuzz
I’m thinking of starting a podcast. Like most podcasts, it would run between 45 minutes and 4 hours, have no discernible format, and occasionally feature guests. What will set it apart? My personality and wit, obviously. I’d probably have Lee on because we have a couple solid stories, including a chance encounter in Prague – our friendship is an international one.
What troubles me most when I think about how my podcast will take off, transform my life, turn into a book deal, an HBO mini-series, etc. etc. is that I will have only done it to prove Rich wrong when he fired me from BTSH media. It will be a hollow sort of fame.
Prediction: Hookers 2, Fuzz 0.
Cobra Kai vs. Butchers
Since you asked, here is my list of top ten 1980’s kid movies:
10. A Christmas Story (lost points for making me very afraid of frozen poles)
9. The Great Mouse Detective
8. The Land Before Time
7. The Goonies
6. The Neverending Story
4. The Breakfast Club (does this count as a kids movie?)
3. My Neighbor Totoro
2. The Princess Bride
1. The Last Unicorn
You might notice I did not include the Karate Kid.
Since you asked, top three reasons I’ve always been rather partial to the Butchers:
3. Rachel gave me a sweatshirt once
2. I work the beef beat
1. I love a good charcuterie plate
Prediction: Cobra Kai 1, Butchers 2.
Dark Rainbows vs. Mega Touch
Prediction: Rainbows 11, Mega Touch 0.