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Week 16 Previews, Part 2

Mega Touch at Gut Rot

By ORG Stringer Monica Russo

Location: Tompkins East, 3:00 PM

Game Keys: Mega Touch vs. Gut Rot: and this isn’t game of the week?

Kidding. I feel like I often write about the ‘Touch. And in writing about them this week, I can’t help but notice the similarities and differences between these teams.
Monica: Compare and contrast GR and MT.
Gladly! Both teams are viciously close. They can be found in packs at Tompkins every Sunday…huge circles of grey and whatever the Gut Rot color powwowing. There’s lots of love there, and that’s just so freaking cute.
MT, however, works as a pack. There’s some great players, but no real showboaters, and the passing and playmaking (do you guys make plays? I’m kind of making that up) that they pull off can be hard to get around. GR, on the other hand, has a bunch of sharp shooters and fast runners, but with a giant roster, it can be hard to predict who will show up.
I’ll pick Gut Rot for the win, because they have a bunch of people who used to be on my team. But it’s anyone’s game.
There’s a break soon. No more picks for three weeks. Whoo hoo.

Poutine Machine at Gouging Anklebiters

Location: Tompkins West, 3:00 PM

Game Keys: If not for the Kehoe/MDF lovefest that took over this site yesterday, this might have been Game of the Week. Between them Poutine Machine and the Anklebiters have quietly compiled two of the best records in the league. And while both sides have been less prominent at the ACE bar this year, they’re still known for being social squads as well. So what’s the key to their mutual success? Students of the game might say it has something to do with their strong defenses, top level goalies and balanced scoring. But we like to think it’s down to the fact that both sides have a star player named Jo. For the Anklebiters, that’s Joe P., a high profile, off-season pickup who’s been dominating games with his soft hands and dazzling speed. For Poutine, it’s the other Jo P. (JoAnn Provencher) who has been dominating games with her confusing mix of French and English and her heckling of the refs (particularly Eli). The success of both strategies has led several Filthy Gorgeous members (well really just James) to suggest that Monica “Front Office” Russo makes some trades and puts together an all Jo P. line that includes Filthy in absentia Joe Periera. When asked for comment on the proposal Monica replied with a phrase that Adriano has told us is the Italian version of Poutine’s signature “Tabernac” cheer. Still with the rumors flying, expect both players to put on a show in what should be one of the most hotly contested matches this Sunday.

La Famiglia at LBS, Inc

Location: Tompkins East 4:30 PM

By La Famiglia Consigliore Bill Tucker

Game Keys: 

In a matchup so intriguing, you would think it was written by Christopher Nolan, The Corporation and La Famiglia meet this week in a crucial divisional contest.  Safely entrenched in a four game winning streak, The Family has been flying high as of late.  Team mainstay and Wes Anderson fan Alfred Liu has attributed this rise to team cohesion, smart offensive play and a newfound dedication to Scientology.  John Travolta would be proud.  With a 9 – 4 record, the Microsoft of BTSH has had themselves a fine season, thanks to a balanced attack and the clutch goaltending of Seth “The Save” Watchell.  According to inside sources, Sascha Owen isn’t concerned with Famiglia’s hockey prowess.  It’s the newly re-formed Heckle Wall that has the LBS captain spooked.  The new core of Matt Workman, Heather “Cut a Bitch” Aspergen and Jamie “IPA” Crosby caused mayhem during last week’s Math / Anklebiters game and if Gut Rot’s vocal miscreants reappear during this contest, focus will be the key to victory.   With only two points separating the first place WTP from the third place La Famiglia, the winner of this game may shape who’s getting a bye in the October playoffs.

Dr. Hunter S. Tompkins’ Official Prediction:  Due to an unfortunate miscalculation and a pint of raw ether, Dr. Gonzo and I found ourselves in Atlantic City.  Monuments to decadence towered over the beachfront as the sad and sagging plunked their life savings into the one armed bandits.  I was struck by a harsh reality.  Corporations were to blame for the fall of this sleepy seaside town and as a result, I can’t pick LBS to win this contest.  3-2 in favor of the Omnipotent Octopi.

Sky Fighters at Butchers

Location: Tompkins West, 4:30 PM

Game Keys: Summer is not the Sky Fighters friend (as witnessed by last weeks 6-1 loss to the Hookers). The Cloud Punchers tend to struggle with attendance in these warm weather months and then put on a surge towards the end of the season. And this year looks to be no different. Meanwhile, the Butchers are also doing what they always do. Winning some games. Losing some games. Drinking a lot of Vodka and Vitamin Water. The fact that Creamy is now bringing his own lawn chair to the matches is an indication of how intense these mid-season games are for the Meat Maulers. Expect this week to be no different. Our prediction is that team Captains Dan Hopper, Ben Bloom and Rachel Greene will allow the goalies to settle this match via the new Goalie Union approved method known as “Funky Arbitration”. This involves both keepers swapping equipment and seeing who can handle the stench longer (Interesting side note – neither Tim Brown or Craig LaCombe have ever lost in Funky Arbitration). While Eric and James see who has the stronger stomach, the rest of their mutual squads will decamp to the nearest watering hole to watch the sport of the summer, dressage. Well played, Captains, well played.

Mathematics at Happy Little Elves

By ORG Stringer Abby Meisterman

Location: Tompkins East, 5:30 PM

Game Keys: Wait for it, Eli. Abby wouldn’t let you down. Her writeup will appear later on today.

Filthy Gorgeous at What The Puck

Location: Tompkins West, 5:30 PM

Game Keys: Two of the best looking teams in the league throw down in what’s sure to be a tight (and sexy) match. Sure WTP has exercise video star Larry Zimmer and teen heartthrob Corey. But the FGs have their own VANITY FAIR model in newcomer Justin as well as BTSH’s answer to Channing Tatum, James Periera. Zimmer has been particularly ruthless in making sure that his team fits certain aesthetic standards, signing many players to what can only be described as “Abercrombie & Fitch” style contracts. Rumor has it that this is the real reason behind the departure of Adriano Bratta and the less than frequent Sal appearances in recent years. Meanwhile, the Dirty Prettys aren’t above playing the looks card either. Monica has apparently instructed her squad to “make the V necks even deeper” and it’s clear that Kamdyn Moore was brought on to the side to teach the Filthys the “sexy stretch” method of warming up that she has used effectively in other leagues. With the competition so close, it may come to down to the simplest of questions … does anyone have a brush they can lend Suz? If the answer is no, expect the decision to go to the team in (not very stylish) orange. Of course, if the only factor were pure hockey skill we would have to give this one to FG. But has there ever been a BTSH game where that was the only factor?

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