Fresh Kills at Filthier
by Isaac

The good times have been rolling all season long for Barch and Fresh Kills.  Maintaining a performance at an elite level has them on pace for a historic season.  No, we’re not talking about their record, we simply mean that they’ve been able to overcome the loss of Gabe’s talents that seem to have fallen off that cliff called marriage.  The expression on Roxy’s face has been that of anyone who is paired with Glanzer.

Still butt-hurt from getting smoked by Ariel in the shootout loss Tim and Filthier are out for revenge.  (Every time that video resurfaces on Facebook they collectively make the face of a slapped ass.)  While the losses of Denis and Suvin this season have been hard to overcome that new clean-cut fellow seems to perform adequately.  Can he replicate some of that lost poise and panache?  Shafiq sure hopes so.

Prediction: James bumfuzzles the Kills’ defense with his skillz and Filthy stamps a blemish on the FK’s record, 5-3.

Mega Touch (L/L/L/W/L; final two: LBS, Inc., Gremlins) at Corlears Hookers (W/W/W/W/W; final two: Fresh Kills, Cobra Kai) Tompkins East, 1645
by Hornswoggle

This division rivalry will be one of Julie’s last chances to stay in her own [namesake’s] division, since the last two will be highly demanding and exhausting. Brutal losses against the Riots and Sky Fighters may have diminished the morale of the players, and perhaps because the weather has prevented them from sporting their marquee jorts at least once this season. So will they don them on Sunday? I reckon the fashion statement will leave a few opposing players double-taking once or twice too many.

Meanwhile, the Katz conference team in Grimace™-colored regalia has been on a tear, and the timing may as well be perfect as the Ocean City/Labor Day break is fast approaching. However, before the break is their long-awaited matchup with the undefeated Fresh Kills, this Sunday’s game against Mega may as well be a training session for them, considering their from.

Prediction: This game will probably be more boring than watching paint dry. However, if Alok turns his passive-aggressiveness around and gets called for one—just one!—infraction, I’m privy on carrying the skateboard ramp with a vat of buttered popcorn. Hookers nonchalantly axe Mega by three goals.

Instant Karma (L/L/L/L/L; final two: Fuzz, Gut Rot) at Gremlins (W/W/W/OT/W; final two: Rehabs, Mega Touch) Tompkins West, 1645
by Hornswoggle

The tragedy for last Sunday was watching an Instant Karma team (1) scrambling last minute to find an available, eligible goaltender, (2) dejectedly conceding a near buzzer beater in the second half to a wavering What the Puck side, as well as (3) having to see that particular moment as a cover photo on the league Facebook page. I personally tried to assuage Isaac postgame with a Messi picture, but to no avail. The battle with Mega Touch to prevent relegation has been long occurring, what with Cobra Kai, Hookers, and Gremlins vying for the top division spot. While I’d say this division rivalry is winnable for Karma, methinks the unexpectedness in attendance and inconsistencies in their gameplay both lead me to doubt their success on Sunday.

At the opposite end of the division lies our trivia guru/Grammar Nazi, Walker, and his monstrous minions. Specifically, it is known that he, Jamie, and Erich have been surveying the court to review strategies, scoff other refs, and munch on scones. They’ve all the elements of a well-built team: goal scorers, veteran presence, and solid goaltending. How all those will hold up against the Rehabs next week is unknown at the moment; but in the meantime, the Gremmies will have a slight test on their hands, and something tells me the entire squad needn’t be there.

Prediction: The Gremmies have a penchant for playing casual in the first half, and while that may not lead to any kind of demise for Sunday, it is the kind of habit they will not want to carry next week, the week after next, and the playoff weeks as well. Nevertheless, they’ll certainly have the patience to strike at opportune times and drop Karma like a ton of bricks. Isaac, I’m preparing more Messi pictures for your next email (sorry, none of them with Coutinho in them). Gremmies triumph by two.

Fuzz (W/SO/W/L/W; final two: Instant Karma, Filthier) at Rehabs (W/L/W/W/W; final two: Gremlins, LBS, Inc.) Hockey Night in Tompkins [National Telecast] Tompkins East, 1800
by Hornswoggle

While any team playing the Fresh Kills—this Sunday, it’s Filthier—potentially becomes a marquee matchup, this evening division rivalry holds all the keys to an entertaining game, not to mention the possibility of yet another Sultan South[east] Side Smash/Smush in the works. Yes, the topsy-turvy Fizz are probably feeling a little relieved that this season is slowly coming to a close, knowing that in just a couple months, they won’t have to be some sort of laughingstock… until next year. Right now, though, they’ve still got talent: Jeff and Alexa are just as dynamic as they were, Miles still shakes defenses up, and Hicks can lift most the opposition up and put them down (not necessarily gently).

The Rehabs are steadying the course, and defending their title with nearly half the league in the 20-point range will be a challenge for them. Two regulation losses is second best to Fresh Kills, and the defensive trident of Sena, Cherie, and elite-level goalie Eric is part and parcel of finding the ingredients to success. Many teams, perhaps, think the rossoneri is the team everyone loves to hate, but none of its players seems to have crossed the line that is the league’s first rule. So, love ‘em or hate ‘em, this team is quite talented and will always have Showtime’s mouth and fingertips to back that up.

Prediction: The Sultan will certainly tone it down with his physicality, and he’ll receive a lot of jeering from the opposition (not only the Rehabs). An element that will frustrate Fuzz is that the Rehabs’ roster will remain consistent through the entire 50, so unless there is a complete mismatch in the Rehabs’ lineup (due to absence or injury), a breakthrough will be a rarity for Fuzz. Some will be hoping for a Sena-esque own goal, but the Rehabs will put the match to rest by holding a two-goal lead firm.

Butchers (W/W/L/W/L; final two: Dark Rainbows, Fresh Kills) at Sky Fighters (L/W/W/L/L; final two: Tompkins Square Riots, Gouging Anklebiters) Hockey Night in Tompkins [Regional Telecast], Tompkins West, 1800
by Hornswoggle

With Math facing the LBS this Sunday and Poutine the following Sunday, the Butchers’ schedule is marginally easier, and winning the last two out of three could mean Rachel’s worst nightmare of being in the top division. Facing the likes of teams that have actually won a championship at the turn of the decade isn’t what the Bloody Tide® had in mind, but at the rate the squad is going, their future schedule may be inevitably unfavorable. Like the Rehabs, they’ve stayed the course—even amassing a 7-game win streak—and could snatch a comfortable playoff spot.

Stein and Olivier could rest in the fact that their team’s reputation won’t be cast in the shadows, only because of a single person: Mike T. Yes, you might’ve read the metrics that show his trajectory that blows previous BTSH Pichichi winners through the roof. Think about it: it takes four Gremmies to get 64% of the team’s goals, but one Sky Fighter to achieve 57% for his team. Therefore, it shouldn’t be surprising to say that Mike is the fulcrum for every offensive campaign, right? Well, no. Succinctly, opposition should rotate their focus to Ro-Teyt, Mike’s brother. Roman is the “man behind the curtain” and you wouldn’t want to block his shots. And when Roman is on the bench, watch Bob W. sail a few over the crossbar. [Bob has won a couple of ships with different teams, btw.]

Prediction: Of the four teams I’ve offered to write, this duel will be tough to gauge. Both teams have noses for the net (Pete D. of the Butchers has 9), and women who know how to play the game (Sky’s Coop and Butchers’ Georgine). They both have players who hustle (Infanti vs. Creamy) and players who can elude opponents (David vs. Olivier), so honestly, there isn’t a clear-cut winner here. Butchers are likely to take the W if they force a shootout, where David and MDF put their attempts past Stein… and sadly no one will be there to record them.