LBS, Inc. at Mathematics
The Legend of Sizzler is in full effect and word of his on (and off) court performances is spreading throughout the league like the inevitable Long Night across Westeros. With the newly acquired Cat’s Paw dagger by media writer Arya the LBS defense has become even more dangerous in open space. They’ll be looking to knife through Math’s forces and assassinate the Net.
Meanwhile Math have remained steady and competent in the majority of their battles this season. The indispensable (and also underrated) talents of Bradley and his buddy Jon on defense have been more than enough to make up for Sarah’s blunders this season. But if they want to stay in the race for the CMB division title then that long-haired, pants wearing, backwards hat sporting, hippy dude will need to come correct and do his thang.
Prediction: a close game that appears headed for OT until Amy scores in the final 2 minutes of regulation. Math win 3-2.
Gut Rot at What The Puck
by Arya Stark
2017 has been a strong bounce-back year for both teams. What The Puck finished last in their division last year and were relegated as per god’s law. They’ve responded with a strong season led by captain Emily Moore’s stellar play / singing voice and the adept stick skills of Zac “Hoggystyle” Hogg. WTP currently stand within striking distance of Poutine for the division crown; seeing as Poutine will be playing the sole winless team in the league this year, they’ll need this game to keep pace.
Also within striking distance is the band of marauding alcoholics and bandits known as Gut Rot. Continuing to exist as the depraved love child of Ron Burgundy pounding scotch (pre-game) and Ser Davos stranded on an island (post-game), Rot have won three of their past four games and could potentially go from finishing dead last with one win and a -70 goal differential to a winning record and first round bye in just one season. Sure, #akhilnation isn’t trending like they had hoped, and Becca’s still trying to figure out how to sign up for the Olympics, but things are certainly looking up.
Prediction: Unfortunately, chronic alcoholism does have its downsides (or so I’ve been told). 4-1 Motherpuckers.
Denim Demons at Gouging Anklebiters
These two teams just adore one another. Both have been opening the door for the other to stay in their division all season long. But alas, unless the wheels come exploding off of Timmy Baby it looks like Josh and the Demons will be the team moving to a new home next season.
Prediction: Demons regain their scoring touch and earn a much needed victory, 4-3.
Cobra Kai at Tompkins Square Riots
by Arya Stark
It’s been a rough season for the Riots. Despite strong play from the likes of Suz and Jen along with smart free agent pickups like Evan, they’ve had trouble getting on the board while GDR has at times been left out to dry. Last week they exhibited strong stretches of play against the Gremlins and while the game was closer than the final score would indicate, they nonetheless were only able to pot one breakaway goal. The Riots will have to work on getting shots through in the offensive zone and focusing on tight, fundamental play if they have any hope of taking down the dojo.
The Cobra Kai, on the other hand, are in the midst of an impressive seven game winning streak and sit tied for second in points with the defending champion Rehabs. They’ve got a goalie who’s #2 on the leaderboard and are top five in goals against and goals for, thanks in no small part to the efforts of Will Green. Will, for those who may not be aware, has a lot more going for him than a very serious resemblance to his spirit animal and possible biological father, John C Reilly.
The legend picked his own team in Survivor two weeks ago as they were set to play the Gremlins for the division lead. Down 1-0 with under a minute left, it seemed like he would fall victim to the picking-your-own-team-curse, otherwise known as “Brady’s original sin.” Somehow, the Cobra Kai were able to tie the game with a mere 13 seconds left and win it in overtime. Then just a week later, he picked up the #1 star by notching a natural hat trick on a single shift. Here are some other facts you may not know about this great man:
- The opening scene of “Saving Private Ryan” is loosely based on a game of dodgeball Will G played in second grade.
- Will G once ate three 72 oz steaks in an hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with the waitress.
- Will G is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are the trademarked names of his left and right legs.
- Will G once ate an entire cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper inside.
- In ancient China there is a legend that one day, a child will be born from a dragon, grow to be a man and vanquish evil from the land. That man is not Will G, because Will G killed that man.
Prediction: Cobra Kai wins 6-2 on the strength of another hat trick from Will. He also scores both Riots goals and solves the North Korea crisis during a water break.
Poutine Machine at Dark Rainbows
(Drunk) Machine has been in a funk lately. With the division title on the line they need to pull it together quickly. Luckily for Charlotte and her goony gang of slippery thugs this could be a perfect opportunity to regroup before the playoffs. Not only are two points at stake, but also another divisional victory to increase the margin between them and that orange team.
The Rainbows’ season may not be playing out the way they initially envisioned, but you can never count them out of any contest. Not even a Hot Legs contest (YEAH BABY). Jason, Tia, Fallon and Josh have found their way onto the Box Scores lately and when the big dogs eat from the table they don’t go back to the dish.
Prediction: Kevin and Whitney get caught gazing at each other while the Rainbows pump it past RJ for a 3-2 first season win.