Week 16 Preview

Two Of Hockey’s Greatest Minds?

Happy Little Elves (7-4-1-2) at Fresh Kills (10-3-1)
Location: Tompkins West, 2:00 PM
All-Time Series: Happy Little Elves lead 3-1
Game Notes: The Happy Little Elves and Fresh Kills last met in the quarterfinals of the 2010 playoffs, when a seemingly harmless and unexpected timeout contributed to an Elves overtime victory.  With Fresh Kills holding a one goal lead in the final minutes of regulation, captain David Sokolyansky inexplicably called a timeout, claiming his players needed a breather to weather the Elves’ anticipated final assault.  However, the stoppage in play also allowed the Elves to change personnel and gave their captain Rich Glanzer–one of the premiere tacticians of BTSH–a chance to draw up the perfect play.  As a result, the Elves’ brunette then-rookie Ryan Nakahara poked in the tying goal with less than a minute remaining in regulation.  In overtime, Nakahara’s flaxen-haired linemate and overall good guy Trevor “T-Beau” Beauclair scored the winning goal to send the Elves to the semifinals.  With this comeback win as the backdrop for Sunday’s game, Fresh Kills will be looking to avenge its early exit from the 2010 playoffs, while the Happy Little Elves will look to continue their dominance in this series.
Keys To The Game:
1.  Elves forward Gil Valdes has been red hot lately, scoring five goals in the team’s last three games.  He is second on the team in scoring with 10 goals and tied for ninth in BTSH.
2. After an all-rookie performance in 2010, Fresh Kills goalie Patrick Barch has continued to excel this year, and he is currently third in the league with a 1.58 goals against average.  Consequently, Fresh Kills boasts the league’s second best defense, having allowed just 22 goals this season.
3. Now that Elves goaltender Shaun deLacy has officially lost all of his bets pertaining to his season GAA, it is as if a giant weight has been lifted off his shoulders.  Shaun notes, “It has always been my burden to strive for perfection.  I now realize that is not possible this season, but I am happy to have learned an important lesson in humility and modesty, a lesson I will always treasure.”
Eli’s Pick: No pick.  Eli will be reffing this game.
Derek’s Pick: Fresh Kills.  Even with the Elves’ recent acquisition of Adela Ibric, Fresh Kills will have youth on their side, as Scott Lee remains the youngest player in this game by about a month.
Watchability: 4.5 Ibrics.  This was a great playoff game last year, and both teams enter on winning streaks.

Cobra Kai (5-6-1-2) at Butchers (7-6-1)
Location: Tompkins East, 1:00 PM
All-Time Series: Butchers lead 2-1
Game Notes: These Donohue Division teams faced off in Week 8, when the Butchers routed Cobra Kai 6-1.  “The Charismatic Enigma” Arthur Revechkis and Ben Bloom, who are both among the league’s scoring leaders, combined for three of the Butchers’ six goals.
Eli’s Pick: Cobra Kai.  The Butchers have struggled since the Week 8 win, with their only two wins coming against the Tompkins Square Riots.
Derek’s Pick: Butchers.  They won convincingly enough the first time that I think they can do it again.
Watchability: 3 Ibrics

Rehabs (3-7-1-3) at Corlears Hookers (9-5)
Written by Tuques beat reporter Rich Glanzer
Location: Tompkins West, 1:00 PM
All-Time Series: Corlears Hookers lead 4-3
Game Notes: When these two teams last met, Jesse Kalb put the spread at the Rehabs giving 2.5 goals. The BTSH world was stunned, because the Hookers were rolling through the league in first place, and the Rehabs were last in the league. Nevertheless, Kalb and his backers bet millions on the Rehabs getting incredible odds, and he was seen driving around in his new Rolls after the Habs not only won, but covered the 2.5 goals. However, after an internal investigation led by league commissioner Adriano Bratta and defensive stalwart Matt Workman, it was determined that Kalb knew beforehand that the league’s worst goaltender, Craig LaCombe, was going to be between the pipes for the Hookers, instead of Dustin Olson. Kalb is denying the charges. Either way, expect Dustin back in net, and the Hookers will be back to their winning ways, 4-0.
Rich’s Pick: Tuques 8, Riots 1
Watchability: 2.5 JSB’s

Dark Rainbows (7-6-0-1) at Denim Demons (8-5-0-1)
Written by Dr. Byron Clavicle. Directed by Michael Bay.
Location: Tompkins East, 2:00 PM
All-Time Series: Dark Rainbows lead 8-2-1
Game Notes: The Denim Demons, aware of a cheap opportunity to seize first place while the other teams are all at home, propose to the Dark Rainbows to play through Hurricane Irene. The Rainbows are reluctant to throw caution to the wind (literally), but are visited in the night by the ghost of Rod Brind’Amour (which is odd, because he isn’t dead). Rallied by the ghost’s stirring panegyric, the Rainbows refuse to let inclement weather stand in their path, and so the game is played in a Tompkins Square Park empty of all but the most stubborn winos and Adriano Bratta, who is finally forced to admit, “This is where I live!” Early in the game Zach Tinkelman is heaved skyward by a pillow of clouds and hovers in mid-air while maintaining ball control. He takes a shot and it flies in, but the goal is disallowed because the shot started higher than the crossbar. Hundred mile per hour winds scatter Rainbows and Demons across the court like marbles and pin most of the players against the chain-link fence. In a dramatic moment reminiscent of Hotel Rwanda, Demons goalie Coach lets players of both teams huddle for shelter inside his goal. Unfortunately one of the players has the ball, and the score goes 1-0, leaving him and the other Demons legitimately apoplectic at the bevy of questionable calls. In the thrilling finale, the Rainbows’ Josh Wilson discovers how to stop the hurricane using only a can of Pringles, a hockey glove, and a portrait of Abraham Lincoln. Unfortunately, his revelation comes too late, as by this time all the other players are floundering in New York Harbor, clinging to the skeleton frames of burned-out Chevrolets that fall from the sky like panties at an Elvis concert. Suddenly the sun shines through the clouds and the surviving Rainbows are at last witness to their namesake, a majestic arc encompassing the whole city. “Huzzah!” they cheer, unaware of the 500-foot reptile that’s rising out of the water behind them.
Ol’ Doc Clavicle’s Pick: A Rainbows victory. The Demons forfeit after their captain discovers that one of the Rainbows has been playing with a skinned knee.
Watchability: 5 Rosanna Scottos. Catch it on FOX.

Tompkins Square Riots (2-11-0-1) at La Famiglia (10-1-1-2)
Location: Tompkins East, 3:00 PM
All-Time Series: La Famiglia leads 2-0
Game Notes: La Famiglia enters this Donohue Division matchup riding a four-game winning streak and is just one win from clinching the division title and the third seed in the playoffs.  Due to the scoring prowess of linemates Denis Miciletto and Shafiq “Off Black” Perry, the team boasts the league’s top offense.  Miciletto and Perry combined for six of the team’s seven goals in La Famiglia’s 7-4 victory over the Riots in Week 10.
Eli’s Pick: La Famiglia
Derek’s Pick: La Famiglia
Watchability: 2 Ibrics.  The fans at Tuques Arena are expecting a party.

Gouging Anklebiters (4-10) at Gut Rot (2-12)
Location: Tompkins West, 3:00 PM
All-Time Series: Tied 1-1
Game Notes: These MacNeil Division foes squared off in Week 8, with Gut Rot defeating the Biters 4-3.  Tom tallied two goals for team Peaches.
Eli’s Pick: Gut Rot.  With football season coming up, this could be the last we see of Ellery for a while.
Derek’s Pick: Gouging Anklebiters.  I’ll assume their “slow start” for this season is over, and they can start their winning streak now.
Watchability: 1.5 Ibrics

Unicorns (7-5-0-2) at Poutine Machine (10-2-1-1)
Written by Donohue Division correspondent Monica Russo
Location: Tompkins East, 4:30 PM
All-Time Series: Unicorns lead 1-0
Game Notes: Monica is caring for an estranged duck.  Preview coming soon…

Mega Touch (4-9-1) at Mathematics (6-5-2-1)
Written by MacNeil Division correspondent Sven Larsen
Location: Tompkins West, 4:30 PM
All-Time Series: Mathematics lead 7-3-1
Game Notes: BTSH purists have long felt that the soul of Mega Touch was lost when the team abandoned their “When we touch them we touch them bad” cheer. Like “Potvin Sucks” or “Have another doughnut, you fat pig,” it was a classic piece of hockey history, and it’s absence leaves a hole that no amount of Tintin socks can fill. Shame, Mega, shame. Math, on the other hand, are keeping it old school. They’ve never even considered changing the team name to Calculus, Trig or anything else that would suggest they’re more advanced than they were when the team was founded. That respect for the game’s heritage makes me give the edge on this one to Math. Unless, of course, Mega returns to the V-neck and cut off shorts combo that alternatively turns on and repels the opposing team. Then all bets are off.
Watchability: Three gray shirts. These teams are battling for playoff rankings so expect this four-point game to be intense.

Written by Hockey Night in Tompkins Correspondent Jesse Kalb
LBS, Inc. (9-4-0-1) at What The Puck (8-5-0-1)
Location: Tompkins East, 5:30 PM
All-Time Series: LBS, Inc. leads 9-7
Game Notes: Jesse needs just two more answers to finish last Sunday’s crossword puzzle. Preview coming soon…

Written by Hockey Night in Tompkins Correspondent Jesse Kalb
Filthy Gorgeous (8-6) at Sky Fighters (8-2-2-2)
Location: Tompkins West, 5:30 PM
All-Time Series: Filthy Gorgeous leads 3-1
Game Notes: Jesse has 3 minutes left to diffuse a bomb. Preview coming soon…

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One Response to “Week 16 Preview”

  1. shaunaldinho says:

    Dammit, I never learned anything about humility! Don’t you put that on me. Though I do feel pleasantly unencumbered.

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