Week 15 Previews

Filthy Gorgeous at Poutine Machine

Location: Tompkins East, 1:00 PM

By Returning in Glory Poutine Machine Beat Reporter Rich Glanzer

Game Notes: America loves a comeback and there is no greater comeback than me being forced out of the Poutine beat, to now regaining my throne and administrating my first (and overdo) Game of the Week.

So…what are the three keys?

1- Filthy’s 1-2 punch of Suvin/Pierieaeria are perhaps the best 1-2 combo this league has seen since Eitel/Noelle. But Filthy has a plethora of other players that can put the puck in the net, and their girls are one of the best groups in the league. Another plus for Filthy is Suz gets to the rink early and begs to play on any team that will take her, which generally leaves her pretty tuckered out for her Filthy games. But luckily this is the first game of the day, so she should be rested.

2- You know Poutine, Sven has tailored them after the mid 1980 Rangers. Great goalie (Vanbiesbrouk), great scorer (LaRouche) and a solid yet pretty overrated head coach (Sven). Sven will need Brown, Brodie and himself to come up big here.

3- While the battle of the stars will be interesting, its really the battle in the bedroom that will determine the winner. Who wants it more? Both Monica and Sven are obnoxiously over-competitive while playing. Sven decks chicks and Monica thinks Suvin has never stick checked. This couple that got married purely so Sven can stay in this country is beyond insufferable. (no offense) So who has the edge.

Sven by a mile. While Monica drives us refs crazy during games, she’s pure fun when you put a Michelob Ultra in front of her. Sven knows this and will feed her beer all week, so she gives up all the FG secrets.

That being said, talent trumps brains, Filthy 4 Poutine 3. (BTW Sven, this is how you make a prediction without calling for OT or a shootout. Man up!)

Rehabs at What The Puck

Location: Tompkins West, 1:00 PM

Game Keys: Fact #1 – most of WTP are parents now and go to bed by 9 pm. They’ve also forgotten where Williamsburg is even located. Fact #2 – Stacy Kehoe is having her birthday party in the aforementioned Billyburg the night before. Fact #3 – it’s a joint celebration with Craig “I play my best hockey while still drunk from the night before” LaCombe. Fact #4 – Zimm with a wrong handed stick and Romeo playing out should be able to beat the ‘Habs after Saturday’s Bacchanalia. Fact #5 – Rehabs suck. That is all.

Gremlins at Gut Rot

Location: Tompkins East, 2:00 PM

Game Keys: Remember that nerdy kid in college who all of a sudden went psycho gym teacher on you the moment you guys got enough friends together to play a drunken game of kickball? He could be on either of these teams. While known for laidback attitudes and strong bar turnouts both these squads bring it come game time. While they’ve often caught other teams by surprise, neither squad is likely to catch the other side napping this week. So how do you defeat an opponent who is essentially yourself? Pure damn luck is always a good strategy. And the Grems happen to have “Lucky Luke” on their side, a player who always seems able to put the biscuit in the basket at the crucial moment. While Rot goalie Bill Tucker is familiar with the tow haired sniper (they’re teammates in that “other” ball hockey league) there’s no truer cliche in hockey than “you can’t stop what you can’t see”. With the Rotters being about a head taller than their AMC counterparts, expect at least one to slip by their constantly screened netminder.

Dark Rainbows at La Famiglia

Location: Tompkins West, 2:00 PM

By La Famiglia Made Man Bill Tucker

Game Keys: Ladies and gentlemen, friends and neighbors, know one thing. The Family is back.

Last week, La Famiglia shocked the league with a 6-3 thwomping of the Cumulus Combatants. Although scattered reports claim that the majority of the Sky Fighters skipped the game in favor of Sunday Mai Tais and those little crackers you put caviar on, I could give a turkey. This victory propelled the Former Tuques back into the crosshairs of the entire Brown division. Although I don’t have specific information as to who scored for The Family, my BTSH instincts tell me it was probably some combination of Dennis Miciletto, Shafiq “Off Black” Perry and that guy with the glasses who I think may be Ant, but I’m not quite sure. What I am sure of is that last week’s win puts Famiglia only two points away from the division lead. With only four points separating the top ranked Corporation from the fourth place Sky Fighters, the race for first in the Brown division has become white hot.

Sadly, the Dark Rainbows are looking for a spark in the midst of their three game losing streak. Despite a last place standing in the Larsen division, there are some high points for the Loveable Lay-abouts. Rookie goaltender Ariel Kipnis has shown flashes of brilliance, Abby “Dr Who” Meisterman is playing some of her best hockey of the season and John “Gamechanger” Neilsen is quietly making his mark as one of the top two way players in the entire league. Team cohesion has been an issue for the Rainbows, but if the team can come together in the final weeks of the regular season, it could be a summer of love for the High Life Hippies.

Dr Hunter S. Tompkins’ Official Prediction: The Dark Rainbows echo my sentiments of good times, drunken revelry and reckless abandon. Mad long haired wanderers all searching for their piece of the BTSH dream. Famiglia is of a similar ilk, relaxed at the bar yet dangerous on the court. This contest should prove to be a good one but in the end, the Blue Menace will defeat the Tie Dyed Terrors by a score of 4 to 2.

Denim Demons at Happy Little Elves

Location: Tompkins East, 3:00 PM

Game Keys: Shaun DeLacy. Shaun DeLacy. Shaun DeLacy. Shaun DeLacy. Shaun DeLacy. Shaun DeLacy. Shaun DeLacy. Shaun DeLacy. Shaun DeLacy. Shaun DeLacy. Shaun DeLacy. Shaun DeLacy. Shaun DeLacy. Shaun DeLacy. Shaun DeLacy. Shaun DeLacy. Shaun DeLacy. Shaun DeLacy. There. Now we’ve finally written an Elves preview that ShaunDeLacy won’t complain about.

Sorry Demons, we’ll write more about you next week.

Butchers at Cobra Kai

Location: Tompkins West, 3:00 PM

By Abby “Still not the Dude” Meisterman

Game Keys: Last week, Cobra Kai had a pretty short bench. In order to face the once mighty Denim Demons (3-9-1), The Dojo called upon this week’s rival goalie, Eric Ramirez and he helped them to a 2-0 shut-out. What you also need to know was that this was Ramirez’s second game of the day. If he can pull back-to-back wins against Fresh Kills and the Demons, Cobra Kai should be worried about this week’s face-off. Hopefully, goalie Pete Lang will come off the IR and the team will show up! However, despite roster issues, Cobra Kai has remained a threat: boasting the same record as the Butchers, wins against tough teams (Lbs.), and tight games against even tougher teams (Corlears Hookers).

And lest you think I was going to get through this entire preview without a pop culture reference… My prediction? “We’ll call it a draw!”

Sky Fighters at Corlears Hookers

Location: Tompkins East 4:30 PM

Game Keys: Whenever there’s a rematch between former championship finalists, you know it’s going to be intense. But the question most observers will be asking is which Skyfighters team will show up? Or, for that matter, which Hookers team will show up? Both sides have been plagued by attendance problems in recent weeks and we don’t see the tide turning any time soon. Can Noelle and substitute goalie Al Huang beat up on James Stein and that blond guy with the glasses who I’ve seen play for years but still don’t know his name? More importantly, will anyone care? Note to Eli and Derek – schedule this match in September next year, ok?

Tompkins Square Riots at Mega Touch

Location: Tompkins West, 4:30 PM

Game Keys: You can say one thing about the Riots – they’re due. No team in BTSH this year has played more consistently strong hockey this year with less successful results. It’s got to be frustrating for team captain Amy Jones who has taken to adding a little Bailey’s to her signature mason jar of coffee. Drunk Amy may be fun for the spectators but it’s going to take more shots on net than shots in glasses to defeat a talented MegaTouch side. The talented combo of Adriano and Harvey are a challenging assignment for any defense to shut down. And with Julie “Willie Wonka” Katz supplying her team with constant doses of sugar, expect the Megas to be more hopped up than a four year old’s birthday party. The Riots may be able to take advantage of the sheer frenziedness of the Mega side (twizzler induced ADD is not conducive to positional play) but we expect the Touchers to pull out the W here.

Mathematics at Gouging Anklebiters

Location: Tompkins East, 5:30 PM

By President of the Sharif Corinaldi Fan Club Monica Russo

Game Keys: Both the GAB and Math put 4 past the goalie last week, though the ‘Rot was only able to squeak one past Craig “You Can Borrow Any Goalie Except Craig” LaCombe. The Biters are (kind of?) a force this year, with their new roster working out like a charm. Expect a excellent matchup. I’d stick around until 5:30 to watch this one. Who knows, there may even be a cameo appearance from Sharif Corinaldi!

Here is my gratuitous reference to Shaun, the HLE goalie. Apparently no one is allowed to do a writeup without mentioning that he has the top GAA in the league.

Fresh Kills at LBS, Inc.

Location: Tompkins West, 5:30 PM

By Fresh Kills Beat Reporter and Channel 4 Weatherman Eli Kazin

Game Keys: Fresh Kills saw its five game winning streak snapped last Sunday, dropping a 3-2 decision to the Butchers in a game fraught with “rain fears.” After the game, defenseman Ariel Imas was quick to point out that the team, and himself in particular, does not play well on a slick surface. The rain even impacted captain Dave Sokolyansky’s personnel decisions, as he noted, “I decided to make Justin Ross, who has a history of injuries, a healthy scratch. It just did not make sense to dress him for a non-conference game considering the expected adverse court conditions.” This Sunday, Fresh Kills faces off against its longtime rival LBS, Inc. Imas and Sokolyansky’s comments regarding “rain fears” caught the attention of Karsten Pichon, the Corporation’s star forward and noted meteorology enthusiast. Pichon has already started consulting his forecast tracking models for Sunday afternoon, vainly hoping for a the presence of a low pressure system, slow moving cold front, or humid air mass conducive to late afternoon showers. Currently, Sunday’s forecast calls for partly cloudy skies and a high of 84 degrees, with just a 20% chance of “rain fears.”

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