BTSH Olympics are right around the corner and if last year’s lack of productivity for the following week are any indication, it is surely an event you don’t want to miss. Sunday will feature food, drink and feats of strength that would make even the legendary Frank Costanza proud. Come for the flip cup and bar napkin lovemaking, stay for the arm wrestling MCed by our very own freedom of speech hating Rich Glnzr (tag him at your own risk). Food will include pizzas at Parkside and this beast of a sandwich at the courts, imported fresh from Hoboken by our very own @ballhogg. Drinks will include $3 high lifes, $5 tall boy tecates and possibly some of Hicks’ favorite courtside beverage (from what I’ve heard, like drowning it gets better once you get used to it). Sign up here or forever be branded a coward and possibly a misogynist.
And now here is part 2 of your Preivews!
Tompkins Square Riots at Instant Karma
by A Young Padawan and their Jedi Master
By now, you know the drill. We don’t write regular hockey previews. Because they’re boring. No offense to the (boring) people who like them. Instead, we imagined what if BTSH decided to host an Olympics and the events were all drinking-related and/or absurd. Oh wait, that sounds like foreshadowing to an upcoming event. (Shameless plug)
That’s right – this Sunday, at 7:00pm, Parkside Lounge will be hosting our sorry asses for a night of competitions and debauchery. Be there or be……at work the next morning.
Now back to our regularly scheduled preview…
You guessed it, we’ve decided to put Karma and the Riots to the ultimate test — the BTSH Olympics.
Immediately following the conclusion of Sunday’s games Isaac will be carrying the torch and leading us to Parkside like a bunch of gnats drawn to light (or, in our case, alcohol).
Arm Wrestling Competition – Amy J. versus Isaac — let’s just say, size doesn’t always matter.
Tecate Chugging – Wait, why isn’t this a Miller High Life or Pabst chugging contest?
In any case, Karma wins it. Steve and Nina have a lot to do with this. (MacNeil put up a valiant effort for the Riots, though.)
Flip cup – Brianna, Cory, and Derek vs. Alex, Margot, and Christina. (In case you were utterly confused by Hogg’s box scores/stats, that’s each team’s top 3 scorers). Are you allowed to puke and still win? Because, Derek pukes.
2 girls, 1 cup – Lisa H. went rogue and managed to defeat everyone, all on her own. 1 girl – 1 cup!
Bar Napkin Love Poem contest – Chadwick’s award-winning words stole the show in this competition, however he was too busy tripping over 5 backpacks while playing lime toss to hear the announcement. Nicole accepts the award on his behalf.
Phallic Phluffer Eating Contest – For this, size DID matter, and Max showed off his phallic eating skills by throating, not one but FIVE hot dogs at once. The judges were so impressed they awarded him bonus points for the bonus boners. NEW RECORD!
Hot Legs competition – OBVIOUSLY Greenwald wins again this year. And to our treat, and his own, he gets to eat a cupcake out of his own ass. (Gil de Rubio was the runner up.)
We’ll let you decide which of these teams was the overall winner here, but let’s face it: When BTSH has events like the Olympics, we all win.
Oops, we forgot these two teams are playing hockey against each other Sunday, aren’t they?
In that case…
Prediction: The Riots’ woes continue, as Karma takes this one 4-2. Chadwick scores a tap in that even a small child couldn’t possibly miss.
Poutine Machine at Mega Touch
In honor of the Olympics, this is written in the spirit of the bar napkin love poem….
It’s another fucking Sunday! And there’s zero chance of rain
(Sunday is for hockey but now softball’s on the brain?)
We’ll have Mega and Poutine facing off on eastern courts
And Julie has confirmed that her team is wearing jorts
Poutine needs to come out strong against the folks in pink
There’s a bunch of guys named Mike…and BSA…I think
Charlotte’s a machine if she scores in the right net
And Mega’s missing people so Poutine’s a safer bet
Shelly’s out, and Tuckman too
Alok is in for the jean shorts crew
Someone named Jeff will be in goal
Jorts and pads? That’s a sweaty a-hole
Let’s end this painful poem on a slightly higher note
Olympics are this Sunday and it’s your chance to gloat
Can you nail the bar poem? Are your legs the hottest thing?
Whatever the case, Glanzer is a dick.
Poutine wins over Mega’s skimpy roster this week. 3-1. The end.
What the Puck (6-7) at Denim Demons (3-7-1), Tompkins West, 1415
This rivalry between red and orange will subconsciously have you jonesing for a Coffee Coolatta—do they still sell those?—at Dunkin’ Donuts right after the game. Take nothing for granted: this matchup might be a barnburner, as the netminders in Scotty and Zach have somewhat close GAAs. Also, they’re quite similar in scoring personnel with a wide variety of scorers, compared to some squads with one or two galacticos who take production all by their lonesome(s). The Pucks/Demons result comes down not only to which team can score more (obviouslyyyyy), but also to who, in their respective teams, can and will light the lamp. We could see a player who hasn’t scored this season—or ever—give their team the dub.
DaPucks have been following the trajectory I’ve been writing about so far this season with a candy-cane, win-loss alternating progression that seems odder than the Dojo’s push to being unblemished in regulation. If this progression remains true, then it seems that they’ll be approaching a loss on Sunday. There is an expectation that (provided Hoggystyle’s speculation is accurate) EK65 could don the orange soon and get his five games in before the postseason but if that plan goes to s***, Paul (6), Zach (6), and Michelada (3) will have to pick up the slack (mind the Oxford comma!). With the female representation in DaPucks’ scoresheet limited to Emily and Susie, one can only wonder which other player can finally make an appearance in the box scores (perhaps Sam M., yet another field hockey convert who’s just beginning her journey working in NYC?). The late season contributions will make/break DaPucks, because they hold the keys to ascendancy into the next division.
In the other corner, the Demons are exhibiting chemistry in unusual ways—see the rain fears debate between Jenn and Adam—and we would like to be convinced that the tug-of-war between perpetuating and ceasing the joke has no bearing on how the Red Devils perform on the court (though you can see in recent weeks, Mr. Met loves intervening). The two outfield Zachs (5 and 4 goals), the not-Fuzz Miles (4), and Brad “not Pitt” (3) have potential to augment their game and take their squad to a better mindset, but they’ve had an extremely rough schedule since W6 (Fuzz), and the Katz division has taken on the role of toughest division, with the Dojo, the Machine, and the Gremmies as strong competitors overall. This weekend’s edition with DaPucks continues the arduous schedule, so they’ll have to put aside the jokes for Monday morning as this could be one of the two or three games remaining where they could scrounge up points. They can compete with Karma to remain in the division with a positive result, so all Demons personnel must have all hands on deck in the homestretch.
Prediction: This is a game of Zachs on both sides, and Hoggystyle isn’t hapless on the back line; however, a Demons line with both Zachs is potentially burdensome, so if that happens, DaPucks will have to counter by having their first line exploit the Demons’ non-Zach line(s). Then there’s the question on whether both goaltenders can stop beach balls (à la deLacy) rather than Mylec ones, so I’ll leave it up to how comfortable they are when they’re posted on the Tompkins West crease surfaces. Since the goaltender argument might as well reach moot point, I’ll settle on field hockey Sam getting the winner, and DaPucks finally breaking out of the pattern, 4-3.
Gut Rot at Gremlins
by Jess(the ‘ica’ is silent) D
Who knows how many other preview writers will have referenced last week’s rain out but here I go anyways because if it ain’t broke don’t fix it (unless you’re making weather jokes in regards to the Demons, definitely fix that and get new material).
Rain fears turned to rain cheers (credit to Ed for that play on words) when Gut Rot put the BITCHEZ in GUT ROT BITCHEZZZZZ with Morgen scoring in the last minute despite losing to What the Puck last weekend. (authors note: we ((The Rainbows)) love Gut Rot as a team- hey guys, wanna party sometime? ok back to the article). With the return of #AkhilNation #DrunkRamone and The Original Scotty K (no offense, non-original Lbs Scotty K) this weekend, Gut Rot is gonna fuckin’ bring it.
The Gremlins didn’t get to see any action last weekend and are probably itching to get back out there. Cody probably needs to net 2 or 3 to make up for the lack of games being played and replenish his bloodlust for scoring. But seriously, Tim likes to score as much at Walker likes to hate on milennials so I’d say the Gremlins have a good chance of scoring a lot. I’m not even gonna mention Jamie and pump up his ego because we all know he’s a brick wall back there. One thing that may tip the scales of this matchup: the Gremlins are coming off a tough loss to the Hookers 2 weeks ago and with a loss and a rainout, frustrations may be running at an all time high.
Prediction: Gut Rot will score first, and in a back and forth competition, Gut Rot will Win, bitchez, 4-3.
LBS, Inc. at Gouging Anklebiters
by Fanatical Warlock
Heavy (and cursed) is the Power Rankings crown. Since being anointed as the best all-around team midway through the season LBS has gone 1-2-1 and are nervously looking over their shoulders at Filthier and Rehabs in the Division standings. With a trip to Biter Country this Sunday we’re more than just a little concerned for this squad.
Oddly enough, same could be said about the Biters. After roaring out of the gate to start the season they seem to have come back down to Division II earth within the past month or so (hmmm… right around the time Diana came off of injured reserve). To get back on track against LBS we’d like to see Worky, Carrie (ROY 17) and Jared back in the lineup.
Game within The Game: the scoring race between Scotty K and Probie has suddenly become an interesting storyline to pay attention to. Both come into this match-up having notched 14 goals each and are eager to take the title home this year. With the BTSH Olympics this Sunday can Probie stay focused enough to take the scoring lead and help his team get a W?
Prediction: while all eyes are on the two leading males scorers Sarah M and Sasha get some goals of their own and jump into female scoring race. LBS win 4-2?
Cobra Kai at Dark Rainbows, 6pm EAST
by Ermenegildo Pondababa
It must be Mismatch Week, and among the downtrodden, a cold sweat sprouts between one’s shoulderblades, lost amidst the soupy morass of a July afternoon outdoors, commingling its musk with the myriad putridities of Tompkins Square, while offering no help to quaking hands and knees, just a spiking anxiety apparent in the razor teeth of their spastic EKGs. For here, as with so many oft-regretted barroom mistakes, top faces bottom, and one is forced to wonder what cruel gods would permit such an unholy union. Cobra Kai, cock of the walk, with their Cheshire grins and magnetic ball control, seems unstoppable, with nary a regulation loss to befoul its record, while in the opposite corner the Dark Rainbows have spent the season struggling to disinter themselves from their bottomless abyss, grasping for handholds, finding none, and with only refracted moonlight, filtered through clouds of bats, that guides their way. It’s not hockey prowess that beguiles this particular scribe, though: rather, it’s the animating optimism best embodied by the Rainbows, as their hearts cry “we can do this!” in the face of a marauding horde, or their livers cry “we can get through this—and then there will be beer!” The capacity for quixotic self-delusion bears responsibility for every human masterpiece from The Odyssey to the Return of the Living Dead: Part 2 and we, as residents of civilization, should applaud, ovate, and thrust our chins forward in empathic pride, channeling Atreyu and never Artax, dogmatically persisting to believe, despite all evidence, that someday sunlight will thrust its yellow tentacles through the tunnel of despair. For this Sunday, we are all Dark Rainbows.
Prediction: Dark Rainbows 10 – Cobra Kai 0
Fresh Kills at Mathematics
“Great moments are born from great opportunity, and that’s what you have here tonight, boys. That’s what you’ve earned here tonight. One game; if we played them ten times, they might win nine. But not this game, not tonight. Tonight, we skate with them. Tonight we stay with them, and we shut them down because we can. Tonight, we are the greatest hockey team in the world.
You were born to be hockey players—every one of you, and you were meant to be here tonight. This is your time. Their time is done. It’s over. I’m sick and tired of hearing about what a great hockey team the Soviets have. Screw ’em. This is your time. Now go out there and take it!” –Herb Brooks, some Disney movie I’m too lazy to look up.
That quote really has little to do with this preview, it just seemed appropriate because this Sunday, the BTSH OLYMPICS return. You may feel like you have no shot at defeating Gut Rot in 2 girls 1 cup, tecate chugging, flip cup, or anything involving volume drinking (oxford comma alert!). But tonight you drink with them. Tonight you flip your cup faster than them. Tonight you are the best drinkers in Parkside Lounge. And tonight, you’re probably still not going to win. But that’s okay, according to Herb, the USA would only win 1 out of 10 games against the USSR and in 1980 it was their chance. Tonight just isn’t yours.
Anyways, now that we’ve got the plug out of the way, let’s see what people are saying about this highly anticipated rematch of the 2017 quarterfinals:
Sarah Herr, Bionic Math Captain, League Prom Queen 2017: “Math is going to dy/dx the crap out of FK.”
Short, to the point, and a bit nerdy; color me aroused. I’m talking about the quote, not Herr, get your heads out of the gutter.
Scotty K, aka my older brother, Mayor of LB-town and occasional goal scorer: “I’ve heard of Detroit vs Everybody and Ariel seems to take that personally. Move over Motor City, Sr. Imas is in town. Coming off a clockwise two goal performance this is one Freshy ya just can’t kill. On the other side you got a team that plays the good old ball hockey. I don’t know much about em, but they drink. Some smoke. And a few score. Should be an interesting one, Cotton.”
When I told Skotty that I asked for a quote, not my entire preview, he sent me this truly terrifying image and proceeded to troll me on Facebook about my affinity for clothing that is distressed:
Really starting to regret this crowd sourcing idea.
Rich Glanzer, aka HockeyRich, Fuzz Second in Command, ELITE MENS LEAGUE SNIPER, Former Sultan: “Math vs FK, the next two teams you’ll be on?”
I got got.
Prediction: This one is entirely dependent on who for FK shows up. If they have the showing they did against the Rainbows, two weeks ago, I’m gonna go ahead and say that Math wins this one. However, if they actually have their team show up since, you know, players need five games to play in playoffs and it seems unlikely that some have that yet, then Math could end up barking up the wrong tree. Based off attendance so far this year, I’m predicting the former and Math gets their Miracle win of the year.