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Week 15 Preview

Now (S)crappy Free! (Except That)

GAME OF THE WEEK
Unicorns (8-6) vs. Mighty Squirrels (7-3-3)
Location:
Corlears South, 3:00 PM
All-Time Series: Unicorns lead 4-1
Game Notes: Although both of these teams now hover in the upper half of the standings, this game has implications far beyond simple wins and losses in BTSH.  In addition to the pressure of ending a three game losing streak, Mighty Squirrels captain Rachel “A-Korn” Greene must face one of her fiercest and most devious rivals in this game: Unicorns goalie, Craig “Ug” LaCombe.  A known cheater, LaCombe has already been caught several times this season for various league infractions.  In May, referee Adam “Legend Killer” Rubens measured his pads and determined that they were several inches above the league standard.  In June, referee Bryan “Stork” Welch found a bucket of white paint on LaCombe’s person, as he was trying to expand the crease.  Interestingly, due to excessive lobbying by Unicorns captain Christian, LaCombe is yet to face any consequences for these actions.  Greene, however, is also known to be quite crafty as she once “inadvertently” gave LaCombe the wrong start time for one of his games.  Odds are, she’ll do that again this week.  Of course, the anticipation for this heated rivalry may be moot in the end, as Greene may head to the Meadowlands for the Jets’ home opener anyway.
Keys To The Game:
1. Chris, Nelson, and Mark have combined for 31 of the Unicorns’ 47 goals this season.  Stopping this triumvirate of scorers will be imperative for the Squirrels.
2. Lost among the Greene-LaCombe hype is the revenge factor that will also motivate former Unicorn Jesse Kalb.
3. Good news for the Squirrels!  According to New York fashion week, Earth tones are back in this season.  So, they have that going for them…
Eli’s Pick: Mighty Squirrels. Rachel does it for Brett Favre.
Derek’s Pick: Unicorns. Ug will be amped for this game and will help procure another rivalry trophy to go alongside the Unicorns’ (imaginary) Fairy Tale Cup.

Denim Demons (9-0-2-1) vs. Tuques (5-7)
Location:
Moffo, 2:00 PM
All-Time Series: Denim Demons lead 6-0
Game Notes: Fueled by their upset of the Sky Fighters last Sunday, the Tuques are looking for their first ever victory against the Denim Demons.  The Demons, meanwhile, are still looking to finish the regular season without a regulation loss.
Eli’s Pick: Denim Demons
Derek’s Pick: Denim Demons

Bad Touch (1-12-1) vs. Filthy Gorgeous (9-4-1)
Location:
Corlears North, 3:00 PM
All-Time Series: Filthy Gorgeous leads 2-1
Game Notes: Filthy Gorgeous is still adjusting to the relocation of two of its key players: Paul “Ashy Larry” Vernon and Joseph Pereira.  It helps that their first two games after these personnel changes come against a pair of one win teams (they faced Mexican Standoff last week).
Eli’s Pick: Filthy Gorgeous.  Even without Paul, they can still go from ashy to classy.
Derek’s Pick: Filthy Gorgeous

Dark Rainbows (10-3-1) vs. Sky Fighters (7-6)
Location:
Moffo, 3:00 PM
All-Time Series: Dark Rainbows lead 2-1
Game Notes: With Trevor “White Jesus” Tyrrell back in net, the Dark Rainbows have returned to playoff form.  Without missing a beat, Tyrrell pitched another shutout last week (his fifth), despite having to face a tough Fresh Kills team and the monstrous shot of Bob “Olmec” Weyersberg.  This week, he will face an equally dangerous shooter in Sky Fighters star Martin “Ocho Cinco” Cejka.
Eli’s Pick: Dark Rainbows
Derek’s Pick: Dark Rainbows.  A fully healthy Tyrrell may be the league’s most dangerous weapon.

What The Puck (11-2-0-1) vs. Happy Little Elves (1-12-1)
Location:
Corlears North, 4:00 PM
All-Time Series: First Meeting
Game Notes: On paper, this game seems like it should be a blowout in favor of What The Puck.  As we know, paper never lies.
Eli’s Pick: What The Puck.  Here’s something good about the Elves…they will not lose via mercy rule.
Derek’s Pick: What The Puck.  However, this pick can easily be swayed with more homemade cookies from Ben.

Rehabs (8-4-1-1) vs. Tuques (5-7)
Location:
Corlears South, 4:00 PM
All-Time Series: Tied 5-5
Game Notes: The Tuques will have just one hour after their first game to move from Moffo to Corlears and prepare for their second game.  The Rehabs have now won two games in a row after droppng their last three.
Eli’s Pick: Rehabs
Derek’s Pick: Rehabs

Fresh Kills (7-6-0-1) vs. LBS, Inc. (10-3-1)
Location:
Moffo, 4:00 PM
All-Time Series: Fresh Kills leads 9-4
Game Notes: These two rivals have a long and storied history as two of the perennially top teams in BTSH.  In 2007, Fresh Kills defeated LBS in overtime in the regular season, setting up a rematch in the first round of the playoffs.  The playoff game only intensified the bad blood between these teams as Fresh Kills won in a heated contest that ultimately resulted in the suspension of the self-proclaimed cleanest player in the game, Ken “The Alpha Male” Poulin.
Eli’s Pick: LBS, Inc.
Derek’s Pick: LBS, Inc.  The Alpha Male is active again and ready for some good, clean fun.

Denim Demons (9-0-2-1) vs. Gouging Anklebiters (4-10)
Location:
Corlears North, 5:00 PM
All-Time Series: Gouging Anklebiters lead 5-4
Game Notes: The BTSH phone lines have been ringing off the hook all week as women from all throughout New York City have been trying to secure good seats for this one.  With referee duo of Jeremy Schumacher and Eric “El Guapo” DiPierri of the Gouging Anklebiters squaring off against the duo of Adam “Legend Killer” Rubens and “Hacksaw” Jim Dandeneau of the Denim Demons, the title of “Best Looking Ref Duo” will be at stake.
Eli’s Pick: Denim Demons…with apologies to the Gouging Anklebiters.
Derek’s Pick: Denim Demons.  The real winners will be the ladies who scored tickets.

Mexican Standoff (1-10-2-1) vs. Cobra Kai (3-9-1)
Location:
Corlears South, 5:00 PM
All-Time Series: Mexican Standoff leads 3-0
Game Notes: Cobra Kai began the season decently and actually fooled the media into thinking they’d be one of the surprise teams of the season.  However, inconsistent attendence and the stunning resignation of captain Peter Oblamski have left them in a tailspin.  They have now lost their last six games in a row and appear extremely disorganized.
Eli’s Pick: Cobra Kai.  After a mid-season lull, Adriano “Muscles Marinara” Bratta has regained his scoring touch.
Derek’s Pick: Cobra Kai.  I make this pick under the assumption that Paul “P.J.” Lopez will actually play for the Dojo this week.

Mathematics (4-10) vs. Corlears Hookers (10-3)
Location:
Moffo, 4:00 PM
All-Time Series: Corlears Hookers lead 1-0
Game Notes: With the Mathematics realizing they will need a little extra firepower to defeat the Corlears Hookers, they’ve assigned team goon, Georgine “Mulva” Paulin with the uneviable task of taking the Hookers out for a “good time” on Saturday night.  Unfortunately for the Mathematics, Paulin is from the Midwest, so a “good time” will likely entail making homemade bratwurst and kielbasa and going to bed early to enjoy them the next day.  Of course, Hookers leading scorer Jason Eitel will likely turn this into a drinking game anyway, so this cunning plan will not go for naught.

Media Records:
Eli:
75-34
Derek: 73-36

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