The J Is For Jeremy Schumacher

For the second consecutive season, the Weyersberg and Schumacher conferences faced off in the annual BTSH All-Star Game. The Schumacher Conference was out for revenge this year after losing an intense 3-2 matchup last season. To ensure victory, two of the conference’s greatest hockey minds were recruited to coach the Schumacher All-Stars. Unfortunately, Cobra Kai’s Enayet “Retail” Rasul and Poutine Machine’s Jo-Ann Provencher had to back out, and the conference was left with the tandem of La Famiglia’s Shafiq “Off Black” Perry and Mega Touch’s Julie Katz. To make matters worse, the Weyersberg Conference selected the beloved duo of Trevor “T-Beau” Beauclair and Melissa Budnick of the Happy Little Elves as its coaches.

League scoring leader Denis Miciletto (La Famiglia) opened the scoring midway through the first half to give the Fightin’ Foots a 1-0 lead. However, no more than a minute later, Fresh Kills’ Scott Lee–realizing he cannot finish–wisely passed to Dan Hopper (Sky Fighters), who equalized the game at one. In the closing minutes of the first half, Joe Fiore (Tompkins Square Riots) once again put the Schumacher Conference in front after a beautiful feed from Marcus Bonnée (Poutine Machine). Following some inspiring words from Beauclair, the Weyersberg All-Stars came out firing in the second half, and Bob diProspero (Denim Demons) tied the score at two. As the game wound down, familiar faces on both sides of the ball tallied goals once again, as Fiore and Hopper both netted their second of the game. With the score tied 3-3 after a five minute overtime, the 2011 All-Star game was headed to a shootout.

With the first five shooters all unsuccessful in their attempts, the fate of the game rested on the stick of the Anklebiters’ Alex Derhohannesian. As  darkness descended on Tompkins, Derho gave himself a small amount of liquid courage and took aim. Seconds later, he fired the ball into the upper corner of the net to seal the game for his conference and its namesake, Jeremy “The Foot” Schumacher. He commented, “Today was Schuie’s birthday, and I wanted to give him a very special present. Usually, I just get him a gift certificate to a day spa, but this was even better.” Anklebiters captain Phil “Sandy” Donohue added, “I couldn’t be more proud of my teammate.”

Winning coaches Perry and Katz were both thrilled with their performances, even though La Famiglia captain Dave Ladanyi was less than impressed. Ladanyi questioned Perry’s decision not to pull goalie Craig “Ug” LaCombe towards the end of the second half, despite the tie score. He was also insistent that Miciletto would have been a better option for the shootout than Derhohannesian. Ladanyi explained, “You have to go for the throat at the end of the game. You always pull the goalie. Always.  And Denis is the best in the league at shootouts. Has Alex ever converted one?” Ladanyi is not under consideration to coach the All-Star team next season.

Three Stars of the Week

Third Star: Andrew Therriault, Poutine Machine. As Therriault prepares to move to Nashville and say goodbye to BTSH, the media present this star in recognition of his years of dedicated service to the league.  Although Poutine Machine will surely miss his valuable contributions to the league’s top-ranked defense, the fans will look forward to the possibility of more playing time for defender Mike Haas.
Second Star: Peter Lang, Cobra Kai. Potentially aided by a kicky new summer hairdo, Lang put forth not one, but two, stellar efforts in goal.  In his first game, he helped Cobra Kai snap a five-game losing streak, while holding the Tompkins Square Riots to just one goal.  In his second game, Lang held What The Puck scoreless while filling in for the Dark Rainbows.
First Star: Gil Valdes, Happy Little Elves. Valdes continued his mastery over the Sky Fighters, recording two goals and the lone shootout conversion in the Elves’ 5-4 victory. These teams last met in the 2010 semi-finals, when Gil had a similar effort, scoring the game-winning shootout goal and notching the Elves’ only regulation tally.

Shaun deLacy GAA Watch Update

This year, due to a series of stupid bets made by Happy Little Elves goalie Shaun deLacy, the media will track his goals against average over the course of the regular season.

Goals Allowed This Week: 4 (vs. Sky Fighters)
Goals Allowed Previously: 39
Goals Allowed This Season: 43
Games Played: 13
Goals Against Average: 3.31
Next Opponent: Fresh Kills (2.86 goals per game)

Despite earning the win against the Sky Fighters, Shaun still allowed four goals, pushing his season total to 43.  As a result, he has mathematically eliminated any chance of finishing with a GAA under 2.50.  This will be thus be the final installment of the Shaun deLacy Goals Against Watch.  However, to placate Shaun’s massive ego, the media will continue to track his progress in a new feature titled the “Shaun deLacy GAA Update.”

Know Your Neighbor

Written by Tuques beat reporter Rich Glanzer

Name: Eli Kazin
Team: Mathematics
Suggested Nicknames: Elly
Rejected Nicknames: Eli, Kaz-Matsui, Eli-Ja-Woo-Woo-Woo-You Know it
Origin: Pleasantville, NY
College: Tufts University
Quote: “I like Michelle. Sometimes when it’s late at night, and you’re not around, she comes and pats me on my head.”
First Job: Salesman at LensCrafters
Current Job: Senior Media Analyst at Competitrack
Current Accomplishments: Has gone to Cooperstown for the past nine years to watch the ballplayers get inducted into the Hall of Fame
Current Failures: Is not on track to make the BTSH Hall of Fame as a player, though maybe as a media member. (Though he has to pick it up since Derek T. does most of the work)
Hero(es): Derek Tagliarino, Rich Glanzer
Reason to Love Him: He’s Elly! Everyone loves Elly!
Reason to Hate Him: His constant mocking of the Elves drove Ben Chadwick, Rich Glanzer, Sarah T., Hornswoggle, Shaun deLacy, Eric D., Dashing Trevor Beauclair, and newly recruited Heel Jr. to take over the BTSH comment section.
Best Known For: His friendly demeanor, clean cut image, and witty captions
Fast Fact: His captions really aren’t all that witty, but he can bench press 250 pounds [Ed: more, actually], and that is a lot!
Favorite Things: Derek T.  There is nothing else.
Favorite Former Tuque: Just like Diane Johnston, The Great Frank Russo
Least Favorite Things: Cobra Kai, the written part of the SATs, winning BTSH hockey games
Hockey Comparison: Mike Danton
Non-Hockey Comparison: Chris Sabo, Ricky Vaughn, Kurt Rambis, and soon, Marty Jannetty
Things The Media Will Continue to Overhype About Him: He almost has as many career goals as teammate Lilly Preston, who has four in her first season of BTSH.
Down the Road: After toiling with Math for another few seasons, it’s finally revealed by veteran BTSH oddsmaker Jesse Kalb that Elly was the Navy Seal who killed Osama bin Laden. Free of his double life, Elly can now take off his glasses and show the world his true self. While going to see his wife Miley Kazin play a concert at Madison Square Garden, Elly notices a bum begging for a quarter. The bum is wearing a Bratta Mega Touch t-shirt. After haggling the bum to 15 cents, Elly realizes he has unfinished business, and decides to come back to BTSH. Despite it being mid-September, Commissioner $howT!m3 Melendez says Elly can play for Math in the playoffs. Math goes on an incredible run, and beats the seven-time defending champion Poutine Machine, before destroying the Corlears/Tompkins/Bryant/Battery Hookers in the finals. As Derek T. goes to hug Elly, Elly shuns Derek and the rest of his teammates, and tells team Captain Sean “$howJu” McClain that he’s keeping the PBR Cup for himself. However, after his marriage ends and he’s the first person fired from Celebrity Apprentice, Elly is broke, homeless and has no friends. Derek T. eventually takes Elly back in and though Math is crushed by La Cinderella Tuques in the first game of the 2020 BTSH season, all is right with the world as Derek and Elly discuss BTSH and life.