Dave Adds Another Trophy To His Resume

As a thank you to you, the loyal reader, we the writers thought we’d give you a snapshot of who’s going to btsh.org, and how they are getting there. Here are some interesting facts and figures we have noticed, taken directly from Google Analytics:

1. The most viewed post to this point in the season has been the preview for the games of Week 6. Perhaps visitors were attracted by the main photo of Fresh Kills’ Nick Hobbs donning a pair of Hanson brother-like glasses to promote the Game of the Week between his team and Cobra Kai. However, as intriguing as this matchup and the photo are, we can only assume that traffic for the post would have easily doubled had Fresh Kills’ Justin “The Boss” Ross allowed us to use a similar picture featuring him as well as Hobbs.

2. An occasionally searched term over the past two months was “demon beauty contest.” Our readers are obviously quite savvy, because although the media never reported on it, the Denim Demons did in fact hold a team beauty contest over the Memorial Day weekend. Entrants included Dave Shyu, Lauren C., “Hacksaw” Jim Dandeneau, Danny Polinsky, and Dez Penascino. However, due to his perfect score in the swimsuit competition, David Kenneth Fraser was the clear cut winner and was thus declared the undisputed “Most Beautiful Denim Demon.”

3. BTSH.org accumulated the most pageviews for the season on March 21, the day the team previews for Cobra Kai and the Mathematics were posted. Sources indicate that a bulk of these pageviews came from Sky Fighters captain Dan Hopper, who repeatedly hit the reload button on his browser in disbelief that his former teammate Chris “Big Sexy” Shumaker had joined Cobra Kai. However, this explains only half the story. We can also verify that this picture of Mathematics defender Justin “Ballard” Perras and the intrigue surrounding the Mathematics anonymous general manager created a ton of buzz.

4. One of the most popular keywords over the past two months has been “btsh lady byng.” The Lady Byng was introduced last season as a way to recognize and honor sportsmanship and a high standard of playing ability. Refs were tasked with selecting one Lady Byng winner per game played, although the results are rarely (if ever) published. Well, look no further, because the competition for the 2011 season is already over.  Happy Little Elf Trevor “T-Beau” Beauclair has already exhibited that he is clearly the most gentlemanly, as well as talented, player in all of BTSH. He is a role model, and youngsters should aspire to be just like Trevor.

5. Overall youtube viewership has been down this season, as folks are most likely getting sick of seeing shootout goals. Nevertheless, the most popular videos include shootouts by Ariel Imas of Fresh Kills, Myrto Myloupoulous of the Tompkins Square Riots, and Gil Valdes of the Happy Little Elves. We are hoping that with the upcoming release of another “Tuques hockey.” commercial, the numbers will once again rise to previous levels.

6. Another random search phrase has been “hannah stark britians [sic] x factor.” It should be pointed out immediately that Stark’s teammate, Mike Woodsworth, is also known as The X-Factor. However, because of Stark’s legion of fans the United Kingdom, the media may have to be more specific with its nicknames for What The Puck’s two biggest stars (not counting the Mad Dog himself, of course). Perhaps we should start calling Woodsworth “The Canadian X-Factor” and Stark “The British X-Factor?” Maybe. But then, Woodsworth starts to infringe on “The All-American Canadian” Adam Skuse’s nickname. What a conundrum!

Three Stars of the Week

Seventy-Eighth Star: Shaun deLacy, Happy Little Elves.  The media promised Shaun a star if he photoshopped his own deLacy Watch photo.  Being the publicity whore that he is, he obliged, so the media must now fulfill their promise as well.  As for Shaun’s actual hockey statistics this week, he allowed four goals in the Elves’ winning effort against the Denim Demons.  For what it’s worth, loyal Demons commenter and fan of Game, Joe Tinkelman, was in Tompkins on Sunday and praised deLacy’s efforts in net.
Third Star: Derek Tagliarino, Mathematics. The league’s most popular player and reigning Hardcore Champion completed a perfect weekend on Sunday.  Following wins in both his Mofo and BTSH games, Tagliarino dominated the bar sports circuit on Sunday night.  He led the Mathematics to a convincing win over the Happy Little Elves in skeetball, defeated Rich Glanzer and Adela Ibric twice in billiards (alongside partner Jerome “Hornswoggle” Ramos), and notched another two wins in darts (alongside partner Joe Polowczuk).  Derek is truly a champion…some might even say a hero.
Second Star: Matthew Workman, Filthy Gorgeous.  Worky was one of the driving forces in Filthy’s shootout win against Cobra Kai.  In addition to his regulation goal, Worky converted the lone shootout goal of the game to lead his team to victory.  He also gets a big thumbs up for helping to organize Sunday’s Ref Appreciation Day, perhaps when the refs needed it the most.
First Star: Tom, Gut Rot.  In one of the most exciting BTSH finishes in recent memory, Tom’s game-tying goal forced overtime against the Tompkins Square Riots with two seconds remaining in regulation.  Three minutes later, Tom also scored the overtime game-winning goal to give Gut Rot its second victory of the season.  He also assisted on Gut Rot’s other goal, scored by Mark.

Shaun deLacy GAA Watch

This year, due to a series of stupid bets made by Happy Little Elves goalie Shaun deLacy, the media will track his goals against average over the course of the regular season.

Goals Allowed This Week: 4 (vs. Denim Demons)
Goals Allowed Previously: 35
Goals Allowed This Season: 39
Games Played: 12
Goals Against Average: 3.25
Next Opponent: Sky Fighters (2.62 goals per game)

Last week, Shaun’s goals against average rose a little more, after he surrendered four goals to the Denim Demons.  He has now allowed 39 total goals this season, and with just five games remaining, he has limited time to bring his GAA below 2.50.  This week, Shaun faces the Sky Fighters in a rematch of a 2010 semi-final playoff game that the Elves won 2-1 in a shootout.

Know Your Neighbor

Written by Tuques beat reporter Rich Glanzer

Name: Diane Johnston
Team: Tuques
Suggested Nicknames: Diane-o-mite!, Tuquie Spice
Rejected Nicknames: DiJo, La Johnsty, Di-Di-Anu
Origin: Wareham, Massachusetts
College: Emory University
Quote: “I was kinda hurt by Brian Ferry’s autobiography My Beard is My Only Friend. I mean, I always thought Brian and I were tight.”
First Job: Refrigerator Repairman for Vance Refrigeration
Current Job: Paralegal
Current Accomplishments: Placing first in a teenage talent show for her performance of “Wannabe” by the Spice Girls
Current Failures: Not repeating first place in the talent show
Hero: Jack Bauer, I mean isn’t he everyone’s hero?
Reason to Love Her: She detests the Anklebiters!!
Reason to Hate Her: She makes many men feel less manly, because she has the balls to skydive.
Best Known For: Needing to score at least a 180 in tskeeball in order for us to do this Know Your Neighbor, and scoring exactly 180.
Fast Fact: Before joining BTSH, she was a hostess at an oyster bar in Midtown.
Favorite Things: Sour straws, warm summers, sunshine, short distance walking, chicken wings
Favorite Former Tuque: The Great Frank Russo
Least Favorite Things: Feet
Hockey Comparison: Eddie Johnstone
Non-Hockey Comparison: Phil Donohue. I mean, do we really consider what Phil does as hockey?
Things The Media Will Continue to Overhype About Her: She will certainly be a First Team BTSHer if we ever do a league karaoke contest vs. Zog Sports and NYSSC.
Down the Road: Dave Ladanyi’s brilliant plan of strategically making Diane sit next to him and Andrea Grande-Capone so she can’t mingle with the other teams in BTSH falls apart, when Cobra Kai has the early game and steals the back booth at Ace Bar. Diane heads back to the pool table, tskeeball area and starts hanging out with those light blue creepers known as “Poutine Machine.” Tim Brown, the goalie for Poutine, tells her that chicks dig defense over scoring, so she leaves the Tuques and joins Poutine. Poutine wins several championships, but Diane feels unsatisfied and longs for a shot at winning the prestigious (yet imaginary) Fairy Tale Cup. Because of Sven Larsen’s marketing deal with Puma, Sven refuses to change Poutine’s name, so Diane tucks tail and turns back to Ladanyi. After much negotiation, Dave agrees to change his teams name to La Cinderella Tuques. Derek and Elly deem LCT eligible to participate in the triangular series between the Happy Little Elves, Unicorns and Dark Rainbows. However, after defeating the Rainbows and Unicorns, Dave sees a suspicious cloud in the sky, and forfeits his game against the Elves due to “suspicious cloud fears” and loses his team’s shot at the Cup. The Elves retain the Cup since they also had 4 points after losing to both the Unis and DR in OT. Distraught, Diane retires, a sad end to a fine career.

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4 Responses to Week 14 News and Notes

  1. HockeyRich says:

    Derek is a scumbag. I was promised a star of the week and didn’t get one. I forgot why I was promised one, but I was! Boycott on!

  2. shaunaldinho says:

    We publicity whores prefer the terms “attention addicts” or “crippling narcicists”. As I’ve said all year, the attention focused on me in my weekly feature section of the news and notes is simply not enough to satisfy my colossal ego, and I’m glad to have finally garnered that coveted star. I did think seventy-eighth was a bit low though; my performance garnered at least a sixty-third star, ranked just above Shoshana Rudnick’s pink tie-dye spandex pants and just behind the sweat rag that I used to keep my eyes from melting in the face of constant torrential sweat from the heat.

  3. bwayblues79 says:

    Don’t worry, Diane. We’re still tight. You just can’t get between a man and his beard.

  4. Heel Jr. says:

    “Derek is truly a champion…some might even say a hero.” Let’s not get ahead of ourselves Derek!

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