By Mario, Luigi, and Wario

Instead of complimenting each team in this week’s previews we’ll be saying which pizza they are and why- and maybe some hockey stuff at the end or whatever. We apologize if this is too.. cheesy for you.

Filthier v Butchers

Filthier is a classic cheese pizza. Consistently delicious, often overlooked for no apparent reason, and when compared against more expensive or elaborate pies, is often the one you’d prefer to have. 

The Butchers are a buffalo chicken pizza. Between RG1 and Cheeky, there is more than enough sass to make this team one of the spicier ones in the league.

Prediction: In the end, the classic pie beats the heat. Cheese 5, Buff Chix 2.

Gut Mehta v Dark Lundahls

Gut Rot is here for a good time but not a long time and that is why they are Totinos Pizza Rolls. Easy to make, easy to eat while double fisting beers, definitely causes a trash fire in your stomach when consumed with alcohol. 

Rainbows are your American Flatbread style pizza. Delightfully crunchy, deliciously different in toppings and sauces, and perfectly artisanal, hip, and trendy. Exciting to bite into and keeps you coming back for more.

Prediction: The party is always fun, and Totinos Pizza Rolls do taste good going down, but the fun has to end sometime. American Flatbreads, however have longevity. AFP: 4, TPR: 1.

Cobra Kai v Ankle Biters

Alright folks you all knew this was coming. The Hawaiian pizza discussion. Is it an abomination? Is it delicious? Much like the Hawaiian pie, Cobra Kai is quirky and to some, quite good. Also much like the Hawaiian pie, their performance is questionable (without Campbell). While a Hawaiian pie can’t pull its weight at a full on pizza party it can handle its own with the right crowd.

The Biters are a jalapeno pie. At first glance it looks pretty tasty and easy to eat- what’s a few pepper slices ever done to anyone? But it’s the farthest thing from mild. Several bites in and you’re wishing you ordered some milk instead of that beer. 

Prediction: The Biters are too spicy for the dojo to handle and take the W 4-1.

Poutine v Demons 

Similar to their namesake, Poutine is a white pie, all the cheese and none of the sauce. The same could be said of SBJ’s tactics of hitting on women. Different, but still tasty, the white pie is not for everyone but still produces great results among those who opt for it. 

The Demons are an anchovy and onion pie. Extremely stinky and will leave you with a bad taste in your mouth for the rest of the night. Best to avoid eating this at all costs, especially when going on dates.

Prediction: The Pou’s may have no “sauce” but they’re just as tough as the Demons and better at hockey. Pou’s win 4-2. To quote a current Demons player, “shhhh” (don’t cry about this in the comments section, you guys.)

Mega v Riots 

Mega isn’t delivery- it’s DiGiorno’s. So close to the real deal but a few key ingredients missing to make it really compete in the grand scheme of pizza parties. For the most part delicious, but when you want a pizza, you order delivery. Duh.  

Riots similarly are also not the real thing. They’re the homemade pie your mom taught you how to make and when made properly is a real crowd pleaser. But you’re a “young person” as people like Walker would say and you fuck up every time you cook so usually the homemade pizza doesn’t get the result you want. 

Prediction: Making a pizza from scratch is tough work, a pre-made oven pie wins out every time. Mega 3, Riots 0.

Fuzz v Lbs 

Fuzz is a macho man meat-lover’s pizza (sorry Meatbox) that only a few women can really stomach. Ladies, you never want to eat a meat lover’s pie but you usually end up having to because the guy or group of guys you’re with decided their preference and knowledge of hockey- I mean pies- is far superior. 

The Lbs, similarly meaty, are a pepperoni pizza. An underrated classic that typically wins out every time when there’s a group order being placed. While they aren’t underrated anymore, the Lbs should take the win on this one.

Prediction: In the battle of the meat pies less is more and the singular pepperonied Lbs win 3-1.

Gremlins v Karma

The Gremlins are the vegan pizza that your one “friend” forced everyone to order to accommodate her. No one wants to see the PETA video about pig slaughter while eating dinner, Karen. 

Similarly weird but arguably way cooler, Karma is a veggie pizza. Vegetarians don’t inconvenience people with their meal preferences, KAREN. Improvise, adapt, overcome. And sometimes veggie pizza surprises us all as a ~fun~ option.

Prediction: Like the vegan who tried to prove to everyone vegans were strong, climbed Mt Everest, and died, Gremlins lose this one. Karma 3, Gremlins 1.

What the Puck v Sky Fighters

WTP would be the meatiness from the midwest, the Chicago style ‘zam but all I want to know is, are you down with the thiccness? You think you know real Chi-town style pizza, but like WTP, you have no idea what it has in store. Between the layers of dough (they’re recent string of ringers), meats (Hogg & Dudlovitch), cheeses (Michaliga), and it sauciness (Emily Moore & Susie) you can’t possibly be ready for them. 

Sky Fighters is your traditional dollar slice. Delicious and efficient, but ravaged by a bunch of drunks (cough, Poutine) leaving you with nothing but crusts on your plate. 

Prediction: Pucks have won 6 in a row(!) and continue to roll. Pucks 3, SF 0.

Fresh Kills v Rehabs

The rehabs are a sausage pizza. Just kidding, no one on this team likes sausage. They’re actually more of a Grandma’s style pie. Not super flashy, consistently good regardless of where you order it from or who prepared it, and gives most, if not all, pizzas in the pizza power rankings a run for their money.

Fresh Kills, on the other hand, is like one of those pies with the sauce on top. Can be incredibly delicious, but can also let you down depending on who made it. Entirely dependent on the quality of the sauce (okay, this metaphor is a bit of a stretch, but whatever).

Prediction: With all their cooks returning this week, look for the rehabs to get back to putting pucks in the net and win this game. 4-1 habs.

Hookers v Math

The Hookers are that leftover chain pizza in your fridge. With the assistance of their all star cherry picker, Papa John, they go down smooth in the morning after a night of drinking and have you ready to face the day head on. Hungover or not, this pizza is very good at getting the job done when called upon.

Math is the thin crust pizza – incredibly tasty and very easy on the eyes (hi, Sarah!), but dealing with the annual “where the hell did our team go, will we have more than 7 people show up this week?” roster concerns that Math knows better than most. Get it? They’re a thin roster. Okay, I’ll see myself out.

Prediction: Hookers 4, Math 1.