ATTENTION: if you (BECCA OF GUT ROT) have not done so already, please use this link to sign up for this Sunday’s Olympic events. Do you think you have what it takes to dethrone Gut Rot from the 2 Girls 1 Cup event?  (Please note that Beer Pong is only for after the Olympics and will not be an event during the Olympics.)

Rehabs at Sky Fighters
by Arya Stark

Sparks are sure to fly Sunday when league leading goal scorer Mike Teytlebaum leads the Sky Fighters into battle against the defending champion Rehabs.  This should be a tense rematch of last year’s semifinal which the Rehabs took 2-1 en route to the title.  Sky Fighters are on a mini roll having won three of their last four games led by Mike, who has picked up an absurd 60% of his team’s goals this season.  For reference, NHL teams in 2016-17 averaged 227 goals on the season; his pace would thus be about the equivalent of a 136 goal season in the NHL.  Forget Rocket Richard; that’s Art Ross worthy right there.  He’ll face a stiff test against an elite Rehabs defense and one of the top netminders in the league, no matter who suits up (hopefully it won’t be both).  The x-factor here will be whether the Sky Fighters defense can stand up to Cherie and co. and keep the game close enough for Mike and Olivier to break it open.

Prediction: Mike keeps his scoring streak alive but Rehabs still take the W 4-2.

Fuzz (L/W/W/SO/W) at Fresh Kills (W/W/W/W/W), Tompkins West, 1645
by Hornswoggle

[Apparently played prior to publishing this article, with Fuzz ripping Kills’ streak into pieces after regulation, 4-3. So… why the f did I agree to write this?!]

When Fuzz’s own players are arguing that the Sultan’s absence is what caused their win streak, let’s just remind them that they did eke out a win last week against the wavering Riots with Rich present. But a five-game losing streak between weeks 5 and 9 was quite unbecoming of them. Either the league in general is taking the game a little more seriously (I’m looking at you, Gut Rot), or Gil’s son and Gil’s son’s Dad are finding bigger fish to fry, e.g. NSDH or even Moffo.

Conversely, look at the team that can’t even lose even if Barch took a water break without calling one. A 13-game win streak is that which no social sports league can even fathom; in fact, players on every team are familiar with the current Kills roster, so if we know their weaknesses, why can’t we exploit them? Well, well, well: the old adage is that a team is more than the sum of its players, so whatever Soko puts in his water bottle before the game—probably a stronger variant of Pedialyte—it is surely working on him (and his team, assuming he makes them drink, too).

Prediction: I see Miles and Walsh putting a spring in their step(s) and hitting Barch with everything they’ve got early on. Face it, the Sultan cajoling with Soko and Gabe pre-game won’t work (so keep the speech short, k?). Pleasantries aside, Ariel’s incisive drive to the net, inspired by Emmitt Smith’s footwork on Dancing with the Stars, guarantees his squad the lead, which might as well be permanent knowing Fuzz’s track record with mid-table to strong teams. Fresh Kills takes the game by two… and hopefully I still keep my conference name after Sunday.

Corlears Hookers (L/OT/W/W/W) at What the Puck (W/L/L/W/L), Tompkins West, 1645
by Hornswoggle

The duel between Pro and Cro last week turned out unanimously in favor of Cro, who cashed one in for a total of 9. Critics might say that the team’s last three (Rainbows, Karma, Anklebiters) might well have been written off, given that none of them have been significant threats this season. But considering two of their ladies (Tiffany, Jenna H.) are in the female top scorers’ list, their dominance resides in the two players you’re supposed to keep on the court at all times, per regulation.

While celebrating Captain Emily’s 30th (happy birthday, cap!), the Orange Crush played the cabana boys and girls known as LBS, Inc. I’m confident the predominantly Caps crew continued the festivities despite falling 5-2, and that the next few weeks bring on a more lax schedule than the tumultuous easy-hard-easy-hard last four (Riots, Gremmies, Rainbows, LBS). The homestretch should be an opportune time for Zac to bolster his scoring record, because he’s certainly good enough to give Sky’s Mike T. a run for his money in the race for the BTSH Pichichi.

Prediction: I hope Claire has a great game. Although short in stature, her positioning is impeccable—she got that playing ice at Lasker. She’ll have to look after Tiffany and Noelle diligently. At the other end of the court, Bill’s responsibility will be to parry Zac; a battle between who’s got the mitts and who’s got the wheels will be prevalent. Enter stage left Scotty H., the former Poutine netminder: if his Puck defense comes through, he’ll have no troubles whatsoever. Conversely, if Cro asks for another goalie again, there’s a good chance Captain Em may not approve and the Hookers will be sent back out into the streets. But I’m going with the underdog and gunning for Puck by 1.

Gremlins (L/W/W/W/W) at Cobra Kai (W/W/W/W/W)

Hockey Night in Tompkins [National Telecast], Tompkins East, 1800

by Hornswoggle

The Gremmies have seemingly faced the worst of their schedule and have emerged swimmingly. According to the tall skinny dude in the helmet known as Walker, he has never experienced this great degree of success like this before. Keep pinching yourself, John… this is real (and unfortunate for the rest of the league! haha). Third in goal differential with +24, he can rest easy knowing that even if he runs another marathon, it’s not like they lose their scoring machines [/eyeroll].

The Dojo is one of five teams that have achieved a win streak of 5 or more (Gremmies W4-W8; Butchers W5-W12; Poutine W5-W9; Fresh Kills undefeated), and blanking the Demons last week should give them the mental and emotional fortitude to put the Gremmies to rest on Sunday. They sit atop the Katz Division, but a loss would threaten their position and their unblemished divisional record. Campbell potentially faces his toughest adversary yet, league photographer Jamie.

Prediction: Four Gremmie players account for 68% of goal scoring (32/47), but Campbell has been able to leave opponents emptyhanded twice more than Jamie. Despite the common conceptions of this becoming a high-scoring, goalie-blasting competition, I believe both Jamie and Campbell will stop nearly everything. The Dojo’s known offensive trident will be eclipsed by secondary scoring (Peter G., Tom) only because the Gremmies won’t expect it; similarly, the Gremmies will encourage Ryan and Mark M. to join the fray and strike when unexpected. That said, I think our furry creatures in canary will seize the day after regulation.

Mega Touch (W/W/L/L/L) at Instant Karma (W/OT/L/L/L)

Hockey Night in Tompkins [Regional Telecast], Tompkins West, 1800

by Hornswoggle

Both these teams have a three-game losing streak, and they’ll perceive their future schedules as formidable. They have players that have outwardly indicated signs of wear-and-tear (Alex a bloody scalp, and Nicole a sat-on ankle), and even “old” age—note to self, Chadtrick is really 28, and Yuri just graduated from college… presumably.

Let last week’s games demonstrate how cruel the hockey gods were: both opponents for both Mega and Karma were in the second (CMB) division; they both had 7 wins, and their differential was in the single digits. With Mike T. being the outlier in terms of stats (read: scoring ranking) since he’s at the very top, no one on either Math or Sky Fighters—not even the goaltenders Liang and Stein—seems to be an apparent threat to other teams. To sum up, the W13 games were winnable and unfortunately the odds weren’t even in Mega or Karma’s favor. Bluntly: they fluffed it.

Prediction: having gotten over the spoiled memories of W13, this Sunday is a good chance for Isaac and Alok to redeem and rejuvenate their teams’ spirits. In the battle between the person that’s hard to dislike and the Messi-loving league mediaman/heartthrob, I think our jort-wearing jewels just might snatch a goal from depleted Karma very late in the game (certainly that’ll come back to me, won’t it).