Butchers (6-5) at Corlears Hookers (4-4-0-2), Tompkins West, 1530
by Jerome

With a last ditch effort to prevent themselves from flatlining, the (Cro)okers decided to hustle and cut the Gremmies’ streak to 6. The Crimson Tide (not Alabama’s™) is birthing a streak of its own, inspired by Creamy and his lovely partner and fellow correspondent Diana, who have been parents to a wonderful—hopefully!—kid for a bit of a while now. Following this match, both squads face arduous schedules, so for the sake of avoiding the play-in game, they absolutely cannot squander any points.

It’s been a mixed bag for Rachel and les rouges, because they’ve both struggled and triumphed as newcomers in the premier division; they’ve won and lost to LBS, Inc. and the Rehabs. Tim is still in the shadow of many netminders, and I personally think he deserves a little more praise than what standings or individual stats might indicate about him. However, actualizing this requires strength from the entire Butchers’ unit: MDF’s brother Tarzan and new acquisition Brady are co-leaders for team goal tally (4 each), meaning they cover 40% of the total production. Their -7 differential puts them in the bottom half of the league, and with exception of getting smattered by the Gremmies and LBS, Inc. (0-6 scorelines in both showdowns), they’ve been in relatively close games with their opponents. So, defense is a priority for Sunday, even if the Hookers don’t have a robust differential as well. Pete D. will have to play both sides of the ball, and the Creamy/MDF duo will have to be stalwart for the back line.

The recently re-branded Hookers have shown some gumption, triumphing over the Gremmies and Anklebiters in their new (reversible?) tops. This squad doesn’t have a prolific of a scorer as well, though if Danilo breaks out of his shell, he might be the dude his teammates could depend on. With 3 goals under his belt, this defensive-minded offenseman is pacey, agile, and a risk-taker (see recent FB video). However, in order for him and his crew to stand out, they’ll have to take more risks in the homestretch to prevent playing the extra postseason game. It will have to start from back: Dustin needs more wins and he can’t do it himself; the defense will have to work extra hard (although it seems zone coverage will likely handle a low-scoring affair), and the ladies—some of whom are the fastest in the league—need to chip in as well.

Prediction: it’s yet another low-scoring affair, due to the acute awareness of each other’s strengths and weaknesses. Yet, this will not go to overtime, since Cro will be likely source that understands the clichéd “early bird gets the worm” adage and take the W. Maybe Rachel will encourage some Nordic folk to FaceTime the Icelandic clap at the group huddle and change the result… just maybe.

Filthier at Rehabs
by Hannah Baker

This matchup features two of the league’s best goaltenders, as well as some serious offensive firepower. I don’t want to say this is the game of the week…..but it will prob be even better than Fresh Kills/Lbs (though maybe not as a good as Cobra Kai/Gremlins).

Keys to the game for Filthier:
Ann had 2 goals last week. (I assume she was left all alone on the back door as usual, but I did not see the game.) Watch for her to go on a tear. Rumor around the BTSH water cooler is that she is still really angry that she didn’t get the ‘trick last week. Then again, Ann always seems really angry to begin with, if you ask me. Another key to the game for Filthier is defense. They quietly have one of the best defensive cores in the league, and they’re going to need it against a Rehabs team that shoots more frequently and with as much reckless abandon as the NYPD. JJ, Jean, and Kate will need to really lock it down in order to give Filthier a chance to secure the W. Also Sunny has even more goals than James (??), watch for him to keep his production going in this one. (Hint: James probably has nearly every assist on these Sunny goals.) Also Dennis, Suvin, and Shaq will be a huge factor in this game as they always are…….wait, what? They all what?? Whoa, that’s crazy.

Keys to the game for the Rehabs:
First and foremost: Did Showtime retire? No, seriously, I am asking. If anyone knows the answer please email me at DidShowtimeRetire@gmail.com. Now that we got that out of the way, let’s talk about some people who I know are actually still on the Rehabs, who will factor into this game.

Hicks. Hicks will factor into this game in that apparently there may be a thunderstorm on Sunday. Will Hicks pull a Cronauer and cancel games, or will he let us play on?

Kirkham. Kirkham will factor into this game…….wait, Kirky isn’t on the ‘Habs anymore? Wait, what happened?  Hmm, that doesn’t sound like something the Rehabs would do (scoff).

Sena. Sena will factor into this game in that she will try to convince Hicks that we should play on Sunday. Be like Sena.

(Also, speaking of retirements, did Blandi retire? I haven’t seen that dude in a minute.)

Prediction: Danielle notches her first of the season, but it isn’t enough to turn the tables (get it, Tim K, ‘turn the tables’?).  Rehabs clean up 5-2.

Poutine Machine (7-2) at Dark Rainbows (1-10-0-1), Tompkins West, 1645
by Ungrateful Ambassador 

Les Poos handed Fuzz their first loss in a while. Although not a regulation loss, killing the streak of a squad akin to D2’s Team Iceland dramatically raised Poutine’s team morale. On the other hand, the Rainbows are nearly back to the streak that made them famous. Their defeat to Fresh Kills wasn’t unusual, save for the act of FK’s Eugene shrugging with his hands extended, perhaps pretending to deny any culpability for a 6-goal rout (the photo is circulating as the league page’s cover photo, FYI). Whatever the result of this upcoming match turns out to be, both teams look to be having fun and clean, and the weather expected to be brilliant.

The pitch Jess brings on behalf of the Rainbows is that her team “is fun to watch when [the] chemistry is 100%”. Having convincingly snatched a win from the Riots and nearing another one from the Gremlins, yes, squad chem is a priority. Their upcoming schedule involves playing against teams whose player retention rates are high, occasionally adding talented individuals (who aren’t a******s on and off the court) in recent years to bolster the ranks and cover the dreaded summer portion of the schedule. The “old guard” of Abby, Rem, Bernstein, and Josh is paving the way for the younger generation of Bryan, Karl, Becky, Greenie, and the two C/Kats. With levelheaded Tia at the helm, molding a happy, positive-thinking, proactive side in the coming years shouldn’t be a trifle. For the rest of this season, the key is for players to actively gain experience, as facing opposition in higher divisions will provide optimal insight on establishing individual play and team identity.

Meanwhile, W13 for Jo-Ann’s joueurs assidus was ex-“Hil”-arating because Hilary, normally a defender, begrudgingly took to the front lines, and as a reward for her efforts, she lasered in a beauty over Coach’s shoulder. That goal is proof—despite Poutine’s goal differential and goals for—that the players will fight tooth and nail and do what they must to get the W. They’ve seen a little heartbreak this season: Cobra Kai swept them in the head-to-head series, and they’ve got to make up just over two-and-a-half games due to various unforeseen circumstances, including one half and about 1:30 with the Demons. Given this team’s track record to hang at a bar that very few other league members would go postgame (which they’re totally fine with), as well as playing ice hockey together and keeping the core members for the HockeyBeach tournament, conquering the makeup games as well as this Sunday’s rendezvous with the Rainbows will likely go smoothly, as chemistry isn’t an issue. A mix of young guns (all the Mikes, Nico, Charlotte) and elderly skatesmen (Kevin, Whitney, Jon) make a recipe of a squad that could achieve promising results in the immediate future.

Prediction: If Hornswoggle remains fixed in the central attacking position, you can bet he’ll be running like N’golo Kanté as long as he’s out there, playing a north-south game. Jess will expect nothing less than to “cheerily stomp” the opposition, and encourages any neutral to root for her team based on her and her teammates’ qualities of being “nice, pretty, intelligent, and modest”. Well, shoot: not all Poutine players have all four qualities, but if any lovely lady wants to hang out with Nic, he can definitely show you nice, pretty, and modest; he’s basically the modern Humphrey Bogart. Just don’t ask him about the bet he lost with league sweetheart and teammate Christina. Poutine 5-1.

Instant Karma at Denim Demons
by Jess D

As luck would (or wouldn’t) have it, flashy new uniforms ultimately do not make a team. Will Karma be able to come back from last week’s upset and get some fresh dubs along with their fresh threads? Chadwick, as lanky as something straight out of a Lovecraftian horror novel, has unfathomable reach across the courts. In fact, Al told me he’d shave his legs and head if Chadwick puts his height to use and gets a hat trick this game (and journalists such as myself never lie). With Cage snagging the team’s coveted golden stick honors last week, perhaps the trend can continue- that is unless they are overstaffed on women resulting in minimal play time (which most likely will happen). It’s probably just a ploy by Isaac so he can win the golden stick. All joking aside the team is looking very solid this year and despite some set back losses, with strong teammates like Nina, Derek and Hugh- to name a few- Karma is a force to be reckoned with.

The “league sweethearts” (honestly, i don’t know if this is true so it’s going in quotes from here on out to protect my journalistic integrity) aka dog stealing Denim Demons (this i know to be 10000% true) are riding high from their victory against Math, but let’s see if they can take on a team with a full roster this week. Right now my weather app is calling for thunder storms this weekend, but I’m sure Rubens aka King of Weather Fears is already allll over that five day forecast. Pending his Royal Highness conquers his fear of atmospheric pressure (that’s science talk for storms, kids), the team has some  sharp talent. Jen has hawk vision- allegedly she spotted a female coming out of the men’s bathroom inside a dim Royale on Sunday (it may or may not have been myself but hey the line was way too long for the women’s okay?!)- and no doubt she’ll put that to use intercepting passes.  If Zach aka Dark Helmet has clear vision at center, him Brad and Sara can ~use the schwartz~  (I really hope some of you are cultured and have seen Spaceballs) and net some g’s.

Prediction: In a close contest with great effort from both teams, Karma will net the game winner in the final minutes- Karma 3 Demons 2.

Gremlins at Cobra Kai
by Cheekbones

Bee boppa doo da (fighting autocorrect sofaking hard on that one) here we go with a look ahead to the Gremlins vs. Cobra Kai. Having watched the original Karate Kid last night with a couple berrsss, I feel uniquely equipped to analyze this match-up.

Interesting season for the Gremlins so far. Here is a recap:

1. Lost a couple games early on
2. Went on a 6 game winning streak
3. Hookers ended that last week in OT (ouch)
4. Currently in 2nd place in their division

Erich is obv the golden boy leading the league in goals (insert shoulder shimmy by Erich). When I reached out for comment, and asked about the “h” in his name, he responded that the “h” stands for “H-ey I’m Erich and I score a lot of goals.” Feels good to settle that up and tie a little bow on it.

Cobra Kai recently agreed to up their defense spending after the Helsinki summit and will be tough to penetrate (hee hee) this Sunday. However, Tim of Grems has got that cha-cha-stick-handling shimmy shake and can stand a good chance against a robust Cobra Kai defense. Speaking of defense, Cho on the G-side is also tough to get past. She could even things up a bit.

No need to mince words – Cobra Kai has a super strong front line, and a really nice nice nice-guy goalie who is super good and really difficult to dislike. Tough team. Actually really tough team – so many nice folks who are good at the hockey so it’s hard to get all lit up and motivated about beating them. Maybe they ARE actually terrible people who have devised this manipulative game winning strategy of getting in our heads as polite, friendly folks who will happily give you a fudgsicle after they beat you? Maybe instead of practicing they gather in Liam’s mom’s basement and bet on cock fights while Keeping Up With the Kardashians plays in the background on mute?

JJ, Will, Liam, LJ, Rachel, Olivier…don’t put on your friendly acts this Sunday. We are f*cking ONTO YOU.

Prediction: Cobra won last time they met the Gremlins, and Gremlins are ready to even the score this week. 3-2 Gremlins, overtaking CK in the end after a slow start.