Week 14 – Game Previews – Part 1

Editor’s Note: If the Commissioner or Head Refs ever sent the Org last week’s box scores, you would have read that Fresh Kills beat the Happy Little Elves 7-1 last Sunday. Still unbeaten, the Staten Island Swampers are on track for a perfect season. So this week we asked our reporters: can Fresh Kills be defeated? And, if so, what’s it going to take to notch the first “W” against them.

GAME OF THE WEEK

Corlears Hookers at Fresh Kills
3:00 pm, Tompkins Square East

We don’t trot out the ‘GAME OF THE WEEK” marquee much these days but if there was ever a game this season that deserved that nomenclature, this is it. The Kills are on a quest to make BTSH history. But the Hookers know better than anyone that regular season results don’t guarantee championships. That being said the Purple People Eaters have posted a pretty impressive regular season record themselves.

This game features some of the most talented players in the league, including the French Canadian phenoms Gabe Chenard-Poirier and Danilo Biagioni. I think those two guys have more goals than all of Poutine Machine, Cobra Kai and the Riots. They’re just that good. Kills also bring the blazing speed of Scott Lee and the soft hands of Ariel Imas, while the Hookers counter with two of the best playmakers in the league, Gavin Kearney and Jason Eitel (remember him?).

So how do the Hookers manage to take down Sokol’s Fresh ‘n Tasty’s? As usual, it’s going to be up to the women to do the heavy lifting. With all due respect to Alice, Natasha, Sarah and the rest of the Lady Kills, there is no better 1-2 of female players in the league than Tiffany Hagge and Sarah Newnam. In fact, you’d be hard pressed to find a better 1-2 combo period. Sarah’s hasn’t been around much lately but Tiffany has proven more than capable of carrying the load by herself, scoring at least a goal a game on average and being a gamebreaker for the Happy Hookers on more than one occasion. Smart Captains realize that BTSH is a co-ed league. And right now no team has a better combination of male and female talent than the Purple Puckchasers.

We’re going out on a limb here and not only picking the Hookers to win this game but also the whole kit and kaboodle. Ladies and gentlemen, your 2013 BTSH Champs, the Corlears Hookers.

Editor’s Note: I’ve obviously been doing this for too long. I just wrote a game preview where I only said nice things about the Hookers. Sorry, I don’t know what came over me.

Poutine Machine at Sky Fighters
2:00 pm, Tompkins Square East

This may seem like a run of the mill game but there’s a lot of stake here for both squads. After some mid-season retooling, the formerly winless Poutiners are 2-1 in their last three games. They also barely lost to the defending champions LBs last week, bowing out 2-1 after leading much of the game 1-0. Here’s where the storyline gets even more interesting. the ref in that game was Dan Hopper.

Was Hopper secretly scouting the game in preparation for this weeks matchup (it might have explained some of the calls he made #justkiddingref #getoffmybackBill)? Is that why he placed an emergency long distance call to the Czech Republic and summoned Martin and Robert back from the beerhalls of Praha? Or is this all purely coincidence?

There’s no question that the SkyFighters have had a streaky season. Early in the year they looked like Worldbeaters. But a mid-season swoon due to tougher games and shorter benches has many wondering who the real SkyFighters are. With his roster full again and James Stein looking to secure a spot on the Canadian Olympic team, this could be the time for the Cloud Piunchers to turn it off and start to round in to playoff form.

No predictions for this one. Whichever goaltender brings it on the day will carry his team to victory.

What the Puck at LBs Inc.
2:00 pm, Tompkins Square West
by Eli “Man of Few Words” Kazin

We know that this week’s theme is Fresh Kills’ quest for an undefeated season, but let’s take a minute to talk about LBS, Inc. You remember them, right? The defending champions. The team that beat Fresh Kills to win said championship. The team that has very quietly gone about its business and racked up an impressive 10-2 record in a season where every opponent is ready with their A-game in an attempt to knock them off. As expected, Karsten Pichon and Ken Poulin are once again carrying the offense. If we were keeping a running tally of goals scored, they would be at or near the top of the league leaderboard, and the duo has accounted for most of the Corporation’s goals. Seriously, it’s like 80 percent. Go check the box scores. Karsten and Ken are there every week.

And before we get to Fresh Kills, let’s also say a few words about What The Puck. They are mired in their annual summertime swoon because key players have returned to Nova Scotia, Winnipeg, or other Canadian locales for some vacation time. Last week, they even had to call on the services of superfan “Rowdy” Gary Gowdie (the Scottish Corey!) just to fill out an active roster. Even with a depleted roster, the once Orange Juggernaut is still dangerous, as the team has allowed just six goals in the past four games.

LBS, Inc. already beat What The Puck earlier in the season, and we’re predicting a similar outcome this Sunday. And as for Fresh Kills, to be at this point of the season with an unblemished record is impressive in its own right. What The Puck and LBS, Inc. won’t be the ones to beat them, though, as Fresh Kills swept two games with What The Puck and handed LBS, Inc. their only two blemishes on the season. But they are not going 18-0. One, or both, of those Corlears Hookers games will trip them up.

Mathematics at Filthy Gorgeous
4:30 pm, Tompkins Square East
by Rich “next Saturday I’ll be Appearing at Foxwoods” Glanzer

I’m a pretty good writer. For proof go to www.ataglanztv.com. OK, sorry for the cheap plug, but how the hell am I supposed to talk about Math vs. Filthy and talk about how to beat Fresh Kills and mention the Fairy Tale Cup? Even I will have trouble.

So this is actually a great game and I hope Filthy shows. On one hand, you have the crusty old veterans that have won year after year. Sure Filthy is playing like dirt this season, but you know if they have their full crew they are good enough to beat everyone but the Hookers in the playoffs (as proven three straight years) and Fresh Kills, because you know, its impossible to beat them.

Then you have Math. A group of upstarts. I’m not gonna go Norris crazy here, I’m no longer friends with Zach because of his betrayal at Skee*T*Ball and I’m pissed at Becky for saying, “Fuck you Rich” when I reminded her she’s only the third best looking Norris, next to Zach and Mama Norris. (And honestly, Sam is moving up, though you don’t have to worry about Nathan. Yuk!)

You would think with the loss of Andy Pratt this team would go back to the bottom where Monica says they belong, but Derk and Elly are picking up the goal scoring duties and crushing $h0T!m3 (I think I got it right Hector!) and $h0wJ3w in their little bet. But in the end I’m going to go with Adam (Nobody but Derk knows who I am) Langer, Justin (Classier than Eugene Rha, but its close bc he’s really classy too) Perras, and Amy (no idea her last name and not asking Elly for it) and Math 4-2. Of course though since neither team has a full time goalie so whoever asks Tim first will probably win.

As for how to beat FK? We were down 4-0 before the game started, so maybe I’m not the guy to ask. In all seriousness, only the Hookers can beat a full squad of FK. Your team cant (unless you are the Hookers but no Hookers ever read this). Maybe WTP on a good day but ehhhh. On a less serious note, make sure Sarah Hobart shows up for them! She’s always good for a few giveaways a game.

Either way, this reporter doesn’t want an undefeated season on my watch. Please Hookers, #SaveBTSH #SaveJerome!

Butchers at MegaTouch
5:30 pm, Tompkins Square West

Both these teams are coming off of wins last week. But their victories couldn’t have been more different. The Megas annihilated GutRot thanks to hat tricks by Adriano “We expect this from you” Bratta and Alex “WTF?” Eben Meyer. Meanwhile, the Butchers barely scraped by the Gremlins 1-0. And tempers were running uncharacteristically hot on the Butchers bench (Of course “uncharacteristically hot also describes the last three weeks of Btsh action. So we’ll give them a pass.).

Will Mega be able to carry that momentum in to this week? Will the Butchers regain their composure and scoring touch? Will anyone not playing in this game care?

The answer to that last question is probably not. It’s a 5:30 game in the last week of July. We wouldn’t be at all surprised if Julie and Rachel call this thing and head over to the Yuca Bar for delicious Mango Margaritas.

Well played, ladies. Well played.

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