Breaking news! The DNC came across a very well-read website and started asking: what is this league and why is their media so much better than CNN and MSNBC’s, being able to draw at least 100 article views per story? By their own bylaws, the DNC had to disclose to each of the 2020 Democratic Presidential candidates of their inquiry into BTSH.org’s media strategy and viewership. And, within 7-8 minutes, the BTSH Media’s inboxes were swamped by every candidate’s team wrangling for endorsements.
By Sam N0rr!s
Bill de Blasio’s Rehabs v Gouging Anklebiters endorsed by Amy Klobuchar
1:00 pm EAST
“Hi, I’m Bill de Blasio, and nobody really likes me. People always say, just drop out of the race and leave us all alone, like the team I endorsed, but look what I’ve done to NYC’s scene. I’ve pissed off the police, act as a democrat, but use developers to build up areas of Brooklyn that are perfectly fine, so that we can continue making more parts of NYC unaffordable. But you know who’s really killing the American Dream? Amy Klobuchar. She looks like one of those disgruntled PTA mothers saying that they can’t afford to keep sending her kids on the MTA to host bake sales for their public school teachers’ supplies because we keep raising the subway fares. It’s Cuomo who’s at fault with all of this, not me! Not me! If I see that bitch on the courts, I’m going to ram my team’s hockey sticks down her throat so far, she’s going to wish she had Beto O’Rourke’s neck to stomach the blows. Then I’ll pee in her eyes like I do to the poor of this city.”
“I am Amy Klobuchar and a representative of the Biters, and I take offense at Bill’s words. You may not know me, but I take pride in looking like a PTA mother, which is why I endorsed the Anklebiters. They have so many strong mothers on their team that are going to rip Bill de Blasio’s band of boners through and through. And that Probie guy. And that Andy guy. And that Phil guy, and, ohh… Derho guy… My little PTA buns tremble when I see that Derho guy… We’re probably of the same nationality because no one knows how to say either of our names. He can call me ‘Klo’ and I’ll call him ‘ho’, and we’ll be doing the Minnesotan Twirl before… [inaudibly, jubilant murmurs]… Well, I lose track of what I was going to say because I am not really qualified to run either, but looking to get a seat somewhere in the White House or the social committee.”
Klobuchar starts off strong, going a few percentage points up between the polls, but the NYC Developers fight back, tie it up, and this race goes into a shootout! Bill de Blasio and the Rehabs win because Craig sucks a fat one.
Instant Karma v Mega Touch: Pete Buttigieg has not endorsed either team and is waiting to see who will win before endorsing one of these teams
1:00 pm WEST
“Let me start off by saying that I represent a city that is both red and blue. South Bend, Indiana, is just like Karma and Touch. I can’t wait for people to notice me and jump on better team. I come from a place where many people think in many different ways. You have the Tuckmans, who shower their kids with love, an absolutely amazing children’s dream basement, name their kids after their favorite Vodka, and I think are Jewish, so they’re probably blue state people. You have that married couple on Instant Karma, who are very good looking, seemingly have no problems of their own, and so likely vote Republican. This is our America. I do not know who is going to win this game, but I will endorse whoever does. Whichever team I end up endorsing, will also likely have the same fate as me. I will finish #1 in the Schlitz or number #4-6 in the final polls.
If I had to hypothesize who I will be endorsing, I am going Karma, though it’ll be a close one.”
Cory Booker’s Band of Jersey Boys (Fuzz) v The Yang Gang’s Mathematicians
2:15 pm EAST
“I am Cory Booker, and I am generally a happy guy. I don’t like to talk negatively about anybody or run around the gossip mill, which is why I was first apprehensive about endorsing a team with a certain person on the team. As a Senator of the great state of New Jersey, we pride ourselves on being just slightly better than the people of Long Island. Suffice it to say, I ended up endorsing this team because so many people on this team live in my state, which balances out my original apprehensions of Rich Glanzer: you need losers to have winners. I realize that’s why he’s on the team.
We have done a great deal to keep people from Long Island out of New Jersey, but, at the same time, we need to generate out-of-state person’s tax revenues by attracting these degenerates to the casinos in Atlantic City. And we also need money from Big Pharma, but my memory if they gave me any campaign money is a bit fuzzy. But let me be clear, not all people from Long Island are cockroaches. Take Lois Glanzer, for example. She’s the shining example of why I support a woman’s right to choose… But having said that, even great people like Lois make mistakes…”
Yang: “I have made technology and mathematics a central pillar of my campaign. You can follow any of my handles #YangGang #MathBath #LGMath #10ReasonsWhyRichSucks #TurnsOutThereAre20ReasonsWhyRichSucks #TurnsOutThereAreEvenMoreThan20 #FocusOnMathNotWrestling #ThatIncludesYouEli”
[debate moderator]: Okay, that’s time.
Yang: “Why am I finished? You only gave me 15 seconds and I’m still twitter handling.”
[debate moderator]: “It doesn’t matter, you know how Booker always stick checks or calls time during your handling when it matters. And, neither of you are making it to the final debate stage anyways, so just have fun, which was sometimes an issue for that one guy on Math because Rich sucks so much.”
Booker and Yang spar it out evenly on the stage because someone decided to take a vacation to Minnesota. The team with the least creative name wins.
Nobody actually knows which team that refers to.
Tompkins Square Riots endorsed by Elizabeth Warren v Poutine Machine endorsed by John Delaney
2:15 pm WEST
Warren: “If I could make one thing clear. One thing. Don’t fuck with Amy Jones, Suz, or any of those other women on my endorsed team. I think I am literally going to do what Amy Jones says and rip Trump’s cock off and adorn it to his forehead. That’s how he acts, so that’s where it goes. Now, I am also going to say something controversial. I believe in science. And a machine made out of poutine is not a thing. Science relies on repeatable experiments and observations. I have never once gotten a consistent poutine anywhere in NYC. Sometimes they come out too hot and spicy and to fight your every single entrail, other times they’re too gooey with cheese and it’s like you’re playing with a bunch of goobers. But. I am also going to say another thing controversial. This week, I also believe in religion and miracles. Because. Because we’re really going to need one to beat Poutine Machine this week.”
John Delaney: “Yep, that’s right. I first chose to endorse this team. I’m that guy who looks like I used to drink 15 beers a day at a frat bar, and I want to relive those memories. I also love dishing out beef to the good guys. I’m pretty much super moderate. Just like Poutine. Do I have a chance to get to the final 4 or 8 candidates like Poutine always does? Maybe. Will I be a nuisance the entire time when there are 20 of us battling it out? You can count on it!”
Fresh Kills endorsed by Joe Biden v Corlears Hookers endorsed by Tulsi Gabbard, which was first rejected by Cronauer; then overruled by Jackie; endorsement rejected by Cronauer again, but Tiffany and Sarah threaten to leave the team; Cronauer concedes, cites The Art of the Deal, how he’s a good negotiator, and that this was all for sport; girls on Hookers roll their eyes; Cronauer goes to his room and beats off to Tulsi Gabbard
3:30 pm EAST
“Hi, I am the guy who can defeat Donald Trump. Which is why so many teams support me when I am in the finals going head to head against him. Nobody usually likes the other teams in the finals, except the Fresh Kills. They’re just like me. Getting old. Some say senile. Others say “good looking”, but they’re also old and already senile in a nursing home, thinking I’m Bob Barker. Well I say to hell with them! I’ve spent many years fighting for what we Democrats believe in. Fair and balanced elections. No outside help or poaching of other talent, just like the Fresh Kills. We build our own team, and we’ll do quite damn good. We win, and we will win often. With class. Though, I am old and senile… Wait, what did I just say? Our game is at three… oh… three… oh… thirty? Ohh… I don’t know the difference between these dang texting numbers and an email address… But I’ll be there or on that final Dem debate stage.”
Tulsi Gabbard: “Surrounding the controversy of my endorsement, I am no longer endorsing this team.”
Biden stumbles a few times on the court, Hookers capitalize, but they come up short because the Kills’ staples stay as strong as Biden’s financial backers. Kills: 3-1.
Denim Demons endorsed by Steve Bullock v Sky Fighters endorsed by Julian Castro
3:30 pm WEST
“Hi, I’m Steve Bullock. You might not know who I am, and you probably wished you didn’t know who the Denim Demons were either… I am endorsing this team quite simply for one reason. I did political stuff in Montana and know about hockey, but endorsing because I am from Montana and have never met a Jew.”
“Just as eloquent as Steve put it — nobody knows me. Just like the new Sky Fighters team. And nobody is going to know about me in a few months.”
Game goes into overtime. If the Rosens show up, game winner is scored by one of them. Notable game incidents: Infanti laughs a few times.
Gut Rot endorsed by Kamala Harris v Gremlins endorsed by Bernie Sanders
4:45 pm EAST
Bernie: “You know what make the Gremlins great? It’s their team. It’s their team. Because they partake in the great tradition of mutual cooperation, everyone plays their fair share, and they are tough on trade: they rarely let a ball go into one part of their net without putting a ball into the other net. But, let me be clear. Not all of the Gremlins play their fair share. Let me be very clear here: John W plays millions and millions of minutes, but pays the same yearly roster fee as every other Gremlin. Now, that’s just wrong. He is the 1%. Some might even say… the 1% of the 1%. If the Gremlins want to do well, they need to follow their roots. Do you know how, if I may add, the Gremlin car and movie was made that is so famously on their uniforms? Not those little creature gnome things on that one jersey — I don’t know what those are, but the cars and the movies. Unions. The automotive unions. The movie unions. Okay, okay, turns out that is not a great example. That was a terrible car. But the BTSH goalie union. Jamie is a part of it. It protects him from extreme heat, and in turn, he protects this team from losing games they should sometimes lose by 5 points.”
Kamala: “Have you ever seen Gut Rot? I mean, taken a real good look. I have. When I was AG of California, I was surrounded by Gut Rot in the court room. We were defending them. Larry used to always get vagrancy tickets because his loose hair. His brother, always getting noise violations because his record company. Kellie, just general mischief charges because of her cool tattoos. Dan P, their co-captain, needed asylum and safety shelter for looking like Steve Bannon. I could go on, and I will. Liza, for dressing up like the Marvel comic lady, I actually think called Marvel Girl, and soliciting donations for photos, but only being sexually solicited by a sleeveless bald guy wearing a Mets ball cap. This is the picture of BTSH and America, and I am proud to have had the opportunity to defend them because this is literally what they do on and off the court.”
Bernie pounces on Harris and eventually converts all of her following to his, winning 6-1. Both Gremlins and Gut Rot don’t notice or care because it’s just a street hockey endorsement and game.
LBS, Inc. endorsed by Tim Ryan v Butchers endorsed by Marianne Williamson
4:45 pm WEST
Tim Ryan, but with a cheesy mustache: “Hi, my name is Mr. Nayr… yes, that will do nicely…I think we should invest the surplus BTSH money right into LBS after I have this drink!”
Williamson/Georgine’s voice: “I like the way this Nayr thinks!”
Depending on Marianne’s fanbase, which apparently was 5 and 5 FA supporters last week, Tim Ryan’s team takes the cake and wins 4-2.
What the Puck endorsed by Jay Inslee v Dark Rainbows endorsed by Kirsten Gillibrand
6:00 pm EAST
Jay Inslee: “Honestly, I don’t expect much out of this election like WTP probably expects for their season. Just a few good lays. That’s all. I endorsed this team because if Trump wins 2020, half of them are going to be my neighbors again in Vancouver. That one rocker with long hair, though, he’s probably 100% down with my climate change movement. I hope the name of his band was intended to be ironic, though, given my climate change platform…”
Kirsten Gillibrand: “I endorsed the Dark Rainbows because just like me, sometimes I have good debates, and other times they go absolutely awry. I am also like a dark rainbow. Since I represent NY, people think I’m all sunshine, transparent, and liberal like rainbows suggest. But also, I’m only here because of all sorts of dark money because that’s how NY politics work.”
Inslee and Gillibrand battle it out. Gillibrand has home state advantages and pulls a few tricks late in the game, edging out a 3-2 win.
Filthier refuses John Hickenlooper’s endorsement, has tea with Chelsea Clinton instead v Cobra Kai endorsed by Beto O’Rourke
6:00 pm WEST
John Hickenlooper’s statement: “This Filthier team rejected me. I don’t get it. I am about to drop out of the race, just as so many of their talented players have slowly dropped out of the league and moved to Canada. I thought this endorsement was as perfect as James and Ann… They remind me of a young Bill and Hillary. Wait a minute. I am just going to move to Canada. Those original Filthier players had it right the whole time.”
Beto: “I know how it feels to lose in the final push. I did against Cruz. They did against Fuzz. The only difference is that Cruz is somehow cooler than Fuzz. Which is why I proudly endorse Cobra Kai as my BTSH team. When you have front teeth as big as Russell’s ego, then you’re in good hands. When you stick your giant neck out, like some of Cobra Kai’s defensive sticks to other team’s groins, then you’re going to win. That’s exactly what I did to Ted Cruz, we came up short, but there is a lot of hope for this team this year and in future years.”
Filthier and Cobra Kai have a tied game at 1-1 for much of the game, just like these candidates polling percentage numbers. Whoever has more players wins this game.