Gouging Anklebiters at Cobra Kai, 3:30 pm
by A Young Padawan and their Jedi Master

So, since we’re not for traditional hockey game write-ups, we contemplated what would happen if you placed Kai and the Biters in a horror film.

Will Green’s evil cousin, Gill Ween, has begun a killing rampage and he will stop at nothing to slaughter all the members of (for some reason) only the Biters and Cobra Kai. How will these two teams fare against an ax-wielding psycho killer on the loose?

I ain’t afraid of no ax.

Russ tries to subdue the killer with jokes…and is immediately murdered. Russ may know about killing onstage, but he clearly does not know anything about actual killing. Probert leads the killer to Royale, hoping that some spirits will lift his spirits, and quench his thirst….for blood. It doesn’t. Probert and all the other random patrons in Royale are killed. (Ella happened to be off that day, and remains safe. Phew.) Craig shows the killer his Kentucky wristwatch in an attempt to distract him while Liam hits him over the head with a lead pipe. Neither Craig’s pipe nor Liam’s pipe do the trick, and they both perish. Marko explains to the killer that she is a new mom, hoping he will be sympathetic. This doesn’t work and she…..(nope, we can’t bring ourselves to kill Marko. She escapes, back to Brooklyn with the fam). JJ is a rocker, not a fighter, he attempts to deter the killer with music…but ends up getting stabbed with his own drumsticks. Chuck blasts his rocket snapshot at the killer. It hits him square in the balls. He drops like a sack of potatoes. However, he is quickly up, and suffocates Chuck with the very Mylec he shot at him. All 8 Rachels on Cobra Kai attempt to blitz the killer. Unfortunately Joe P., limping from his latest injury, accidentally falls in front of them and trips them all up, causing himself and The Rachels to die. Things are not going well for these two teams…

At this point, other than Marko, all members of both teams have been killed. Wait, one person is left. In the distance appears a silhouette. The killer turns and realizes his work here isn’t done. Out of the shadows LJ runs straight at the killer, swinging her hockey stick with lightning speed and determination. He dodges it and swings his ax at her. LJ deflects it (pun intended), and swiftly uppercuts him with with the end of her stick. The killer stumbles back, dropping his ax. LJ kicks the ax away and he lunges at her barehanded, she ducks under his arms and manages to get behind him. With no time to waste she wraps her stick around his neck, and pulls until the life is choked out of him. She dusts herself off, and walks away, virtually unscathed.

We always knew LJ would be the final girl.

(Hmm, perhaps we should have had LJ come in right at the beginning, she could have saved everyone. But, that wouldn’t have made for a very good slasher film, now would it?)

Prediction: LJ may have defeated a deranged maniac, but Cobra Kai can’t defeat the Biters on Sunday.  Biters 3, Kai 2.

Denim Demons at Mathematics, 5 pm
by Izzy with assistance from JW

When the Demons moved down to the third division this season we feared that Math might not wind up on their schedule.  But thanks to Rubens’ involvement in the schedule making, our self-proclaimed league sweethearts get to keep the rivalry going.

One key match-up to watch in this game is the Bradley defense line for Math going up against the offensive Zach line for the Demons.  Brad’s morose ball handling skills are like the slow draw of a deep southern yokel with the slyness of used car salesman.  The Zachs will need to be cautious as to ensure they don’t get lured into his trap.

Prediction: The Zachs get sold a lemon, but Josh bails them out and the Demons win, 3-2.

Tompkins Square Riots (2-8-1) at Filthier (8-3), Tompkins West, 1700
by Hornswoggle

Progressing through [what should have been] the fourth week of nine consecutive matches, it’s difficult to spot the telltale signs of wear and tear on the arduous journey to Week 18 (and HockeyBeach since I know Worky still needs the publicity… go sign up! I’d be remiss if I didn’t say HOFer Dave GDR is looking for a vacancy). Nonetheless the intentions have been clear from the get-go; Filthier is looking for points before enduring the likes of the Rehabs (W14), Butchers, Cobra Kai, and LBS, Inc. (W16~W18); the Riots are desperately trying to stay out of that bottom spot because of pride. So despite other critics who might write that this game is an open-and-shut case based on what’s on paper, I want to take on a different spin and say that the Riots are entitled to win if they work hard and all the other elements turn in their favor (see W9 against Cobra Kai, dubbed as “LOL shootouts”).

What do Filthier have for them? Besides a date for first place in the division if LBS, Inc. loses and if they win… well, I don’t know really. If Sunny decides that this is the opportunity to pad stats, he could overtake Facebreaker in the pursuit of the BTSH Pichichi. Such is contingent on attendance (or lack thereof), which they brushed with as they edged Fresh Kills, who had only two other personnel besides their starting five. Quantity of scoring will certainly defeat the opposition, as is the purpose of playing, but with the likes of Pereira, Ann, and Shafiq, they have the ability to make the game more “beautiful” in a sense. (Quit the footy/soccer references, I know.)

Conversely, the Riots have a tall order on their hands. “Eat a 72oz steak in one hour and get it for free,” they said. “It’s easy,” they said. Is it really? Fiori is no cowboy, and I know Vanck is from Minnesota. And yet, somehow, some way, they were able to score twice past league’s best Campbell—something that my own team couldn’t even do this season!—and then get the dub. So, why not them over Filthier? Dave GDR told me the secret of his goalie win over CK: “It’s because you had a camera on me. I had to win.” Folks, if y’all wanted to (and indeed do) believe that this is the game of the week, or because you like the Riots, go ahead and take your phones out and start filming. You might experience the rarity of a fourth-division team succeed over a first-division one.

Prediction: You’ll likely believe this isn’t the game of the week, and the Riots will get blanked by Filthier, though I won’t say by how much. To counter that, one might say that because Filthier will be playing the Riots, it means the “non-essentials” won’t show up, thus leaving a paltry bench like last week and they’ll have to endure the struggle once again, from which the Riots will respond with a “thank you” while getting a couple past Tim before a proper timeout, three water breaks, and a Parks vehicle sheepishly careening through goals, bags, scattered sticks, and battered skateboard props. But it’s a prediction, so take the “sorta detailed” above account with a grain of salt.

Corlears Hookers at Gremlins, 6 pm
by Jessica Deutsch (feat. the scowling visage of Mola Ram)

Hopefully the Hookers can dig deep this weekend and come back on top with a W after losing a “rigged” game. All’s fair in Trump’s America, right Cro? To be fair, a shootout loss is still better than a regulation loss, in my humble opinion. It should light the fire the Hookers need to show up (like, literally show up since their roster transforms more often than an Autobot). Speaking of fire and showing up, if the forecast predicts heat above 80 degrees I predict Cro will try to get all games called off by whining on Facebook posting numerous weather updates. But enough Hooker hate, let’s talk about some of the awesome Hooker ladies—or as they say in the biz, hookers. Tiffany, Sara, and Jackie are top female contenders in the league for sure, and without their skill sets and playmaking abilities, the Hookers wouldn’t be where they are this season. Let’s hope these highly skilled ladies-of-the-daytime keep carrying the team as they play an iconic, ironic, and extremely unerotic 10th game this season.

Or will the Gremlins continue their win streak despite Walker’s shitty defense (please refer to the BTSH Hockey page’s current cover photo on Facebook)? It must have been tough to be one of the few teams who didn’t get to go into shootouts but a win this weekend will put them into double digit W’s (say that 3 times fast). The Salt Boyzz (I took out the third Z because bye, Alex) will hopefully make their triumphant return this weekend, but honestly, who needs them? With a fantastic defensive game from Busch last weekend, Maire and Iannis on the forward line, and Jamie solid as ever in net despite the cardboard cutout of Walker blocking his view, the Gremlins are a well rounded team that can make plays across any line.

The real question (besides the typology of hot dog sandwiches) is, will this be the 10th win for the Gremlins? Or the 10th game played for the Hookers?

Prediction: “Crooked” Gremlins 4, “Failing” Corlears Hookers 2.

Fuzz at Poutine Machine, 6 pm
by Izzy

This is the litmus test for Charlotte, Peltzy and Poutine.  They have long argued this season that they belong in the upper echelon of the BTSH elite.  And have also proclaimed that Division 3 is really the new Division 1 (with both them and CK in it sure seems like it).  But before we can take them seriously they’ll need to put their money where their mouth is and show us what they got against the potent Fuzz.

We hope that Little Nicky’s ornithophobia doesn’t keep him from this game.

As we assumed would happen this season Fuzz have returned to their 2016 form and been dominating their opponents.  The versatile Mike T has tossed aside his ego and embraced a team game by selflessly sliding back on defense and leaving the scoring glory to Jeff, Alexa and Ryann.  (Checking notes: hmmm… 11 goals playing defense?!?  Just. Isn’t. Fair.)  The Fuzz boasts 4 players in the top 10 in scoring, but will be tested against the stout defense of Poutine’s game.

Prediction: what could end up being the game of the week will go to Fuzz over the Poos, 3-1.

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