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Week 13 Previews – Part 1

Rehabs at Gut Rot
by JW

Ok, we all know that in the past this game would have been a “Stop! Stop! He’s already dead!” situation. However, Gut Rot has changed since then (though not in terms of partying, I went out with them Friday night and I haven’t seen that much tequila disappear since Encyclopedia Brown and the Case of The Great Tequila Theft. Dammit, the millennials don’t get this reference……again).

So, how exactly have they changed?  They added a new goalie, my buddy Ed, who is cool and collected between the pipes. They also added a few new players. Becca brings as much skill as she brings energy and humor, and that’s a lot. Hannah’s hijinks are rivaled only by Becca, and she is a solid player in her own right. And Ramon……ok, I don’t know Ramon.

Meanwhile, the Rehabs haven’t changed at all this year. They are still a well-oiled machine who crushes teams while barely breaking a sweat. They did lose last week, but that’s only because they played Fresh Kills, who never lose…….ever. Blandi is now the oldest guy on the team, at 67. Most of them are 22 years old and possibly clones or cyborgs built solely for the purpose of dominating at hockey. These robotic clone overlords are all modeled after Alex M., who leads the pack. Their goaltending is stellar even if Ramirez and Hect aren’t in the net at the exact same time. The only thing that might give the ‘Habs trouble this week is if Sena is still picking up trash in the park and can’t play. When I left her she was neck-deep in cardboard and beer-soaked plastic bags and calling out to me for help. Sorry Sena, I love you but I had to save myself.

 

We’ll miss you, Sena.

So, what wins this game?  Is it change, or more of the same?

Well, Akhil’s scoring streak may have to produce many goals in ONE game if Rot wants to win this one.

Prediction: 4-1 Rehabs, as the song remains the same.

Poutine Machine at Fresh Kills
by Isaac

This is one of the more interesting games of the day. At a quick glance you would overwhelmingly write it off as another win for Soko (congrats on the Division name, bud!) and his Kills. Their high-powered offense of Rush and Connor, balanced with Roxy’s stout defense, has earned them a squeaky clean record this season.

Game may want to consider playing up in this one.

But take another look and you’ll notice that Poutine is the type of caliber team worthy of playing in a higher division. How, you ask?  Well, for starters, they have enjoyed success all season against offensively strong teams like Fresh Kills. They slow down opponents by playing a Tortsie-style of game by disrupting the neutral zone with Natalie’s pinching and Mikey leaning in to win loose balls. Never let your guard down against them.

Prediction: Poutine leads at halftime, but Fresh Kills steps on the accelerator in the second and races to a 7-1 victory

Gremlins at Butchers
by Arya Stark

Gremlins’ All-Stars 2017

Two of the most perennially underrated teams in the league face off Sunday when the 7-4 Butchers take on the 8-3 Gremlins.  The Butchers are currently riding a six game winning streak and haven’t lost a game since April.  David’s been scoring, Arthur’s been defending, MDF has ads on Facebook, Craigslist and OKCupid for a missing glove connection – what’s not to like?  But the Gremlins are no pushovers; consider that just their top two guys and top two girls have a combined 30 goals, more than 11 teams in this league have for the entire season.  The key to this matchup will be goaltending where Jamie and Tim are likely to be relied upon more than usual in what may turn into a shootout.

Prediction: Butchers are firing on all cylinders and keep the streak alive 5-4.

LBS, Inc. at What The Puck
by Arya Stark

What The Puck, fresh off a blowout victory over the Dark Rainbows, rolls into Poundtown Sunday at 2:15 in an attempt to give Emily a 30th, er 29th, birthday to remember.  To do so she’ll have to neutralize her future roommate Roberts’ speed, tenacity and potential to celebrate like a savage.  If Zac (4th in league scoring) makes it back from Canada in time and WTP can control possession, they may have a chance to pull the mini-upset.

LBS have had an up and down season thus far.  Impressive wins over Rehabs, Fuzz, and Filthier put them in the upper echelon of the league but they’ll need more week-to-week consistency to be a true championship threat.  The question is, when will they turn it on?  Karsten and Scott the kid have carried the mail on offense so far and the goaltending has been solid despite some early stumbles.  Can they keep it up?  Who will they start in goal?  Will the kid have any sleeves?  What does a horseshoe do?  Are there any horse socks?  Is anybody listening to me?

Prediction: LBS start gearing up for the stretch run, bring their A game, win 6-3, pop champagne and watch Emily assault Roberts.  Quality Sunday.

 

Filthier at Dark Rainbows
by Isaac

Location, location, location.

In the past two seasons the Rainbows have been Filthier’s kryptonite.   Shutting them out once in the regular season and almost knocking them out in the playoffs. There’s something about these feisty pink people’s that simply give Filthy the heebie jeebies. Perhaps it is their always ‘can-do’ attitude and whatever Tia is lacing those snacks with (you saved some for me, right?). If they can slip a few past Tim K in the first, then we’re in for quite a good showing this Sunday.

Prediction: Rainbows have some of the dopest players in the league, but this game ends early in the second half with Filthy climbing to 10 quick.

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