PLEASE NOTE: due to the World Cup Final all game times have changed.  If this is how you are finding out then perhaps you should elect a new captain.  

Butchers at Gut Rot, 1:30 pm
by Cheekbones

This preview will be written with a Celebrity Jeopardy theme because…because I’m a grown ass woman and I do what I want. Unless my baby cries or my mom calls. Then I do what they want. Here we go:

Give Me Ape Tit for $200

We embark upon the Battle of the Butts when Tarzan plays Morgen. Safety regulations need to be reinforced — if they both use these rear mechanisms to their full potential, one or both could end up out of the courts and crashing through the front window of TS Bagels. However, I respect this ass-tastic relationship which is able to thrive when both clearly have asses that require serious attention. It demonstrates a lot of maturity that they can balance their needs (and just balance in general) on an ongoing basis. My own relationship with a Butcher works well because he has a flat surface with a crack in it, and I can fully own being the ass in the household. We can all learn something from the give and take that is Morgen-Tarzan.

Anywho, enough ass play. Lets move on.

I’ll Take the Penis Mightier

Jk jk jk jk, the lady bits steal the show here. You know Becca is throw her ferocious side part into a even more menacing side pony before putting her sneaky ball handling skills to work against the Crimson Tide, and the GR Ginger squad of Liza and Morgen has some good-old-fashioned-trash-talking-fun-vibes going on. Over to the bloodies: Georgine can find you a great apartment and then serve you some cold back-door rebounds in it. Rachel and MDF are still so busy being sofuckingnice to you off the court and then stuffing turnovers down your throat come gametime. Cheeky will toe drag you into the middle of next week.

That’s the sound your mother made last night…

Dana is back at it 6 weeks after making person and let me tell you — breastfeeding makes you thirsty. Thirsty for goals and glory. Keep your heads up, green.

Potent Potables

A major factor for Gut Rot is what time they play, and how much sauce has gone down the hatch. If Heather is rolling in hot from a beach day, things can get gigglier and less aggro on the black top. I sort of root for that, but at 1pm they are gonna be shaking off Saturday night, and not yet licking Sunday’s butthole – a dangerous time.

I’ll take Catch the Semen for $7,000

The dad-forces are gonna be high with Dave W of Gut Rot against Creamy and Mike of the Butchers. Side effects include biting the bottom lip while deke-ing or dancing, and abject disappointment when someone walks on the lawn or leaves the gate open.

Turd Ferguson predicts…

I’m gonna say the Butchers season stays strong and they edge out Gut Rot, however “any given Sunday” seriously applies here — should be a good show kids.

Mega Touch at Rehabs, 1:30 pm
by RichieHero

Stop, stop he’s already dead! But who is killing who, here? Ever since Cheeky shouted, “No Goal! No Goal! No Goal! No Goal!” the Rehabs have had trouble scoring goals. Frey would go and find the exact amount of goals they’ve scored since then but I’m not insane like him so I will not offer facts to my opinion.

But before just giving the obvious two points to Mega, they are having their own issues, Julie can barely stand or get up.

With two long time franchises in such turmoil, it’s really tough to pick a winner. On one hand, Mega has some fast dudes whose names I don’t know like Matt J., and the two Jeff’s. Max and Yuri are also fast. Also Lops! He was stellar last week (allegedly).

On D, Shelly is a top 9 defensemen in BTSH, and moves to top 8 if one of the top 8 doesn’t show! I should have saved that for a Math preview but no one on Math is good.

For the Rehabs, they have proven to not know how to handle the NEDI or the Knife Pig Defense. Joey Bats has turned into Joey Shoots Even When Hicks is Wide Open in the Slot. Speaking of Hicks (KD), he’s already looking at playoff matchups to see which team will eliminate the Rehabs so he can join them. Sena is going to miss the game working on spreadsheets to see the pros and cons of joining Cecil(e) Harambe or Thin Mints in OC. (We have Gabe on our roster, join us. Gabe isn’t actually playing, but he’s always on our roster.)

Prediction: I mention the speed of Mega because speed can negate talent. I don’t see a blowout, but if this was an NFL game their QB would have his hat on while Brock Osweiller struggles in the 4th for the Rehabs. 5-1.

Instant Karma at Sky Fighters, 2:30 pm
by Chica Malcriada

Well, it looks like we’re officially into Summer as half of Karma’s team is either out of town or too hung over to function. Last week they finally righted the ship and got back on track by earning a well deserved and long overdue win. Chemistry (and goal scoring, dammit!) is paramount in this league so if they can quickly gel with their misfit gang of subs then it could be good times. If not, then well at least it will be a familiar feeling.

This could be just what the Sky Fighters need to break their streak of dropping close games and do some champagne popping of their own. Despite their record, this squad of juicy young talent and stoic veteran leadership are like Mega Touch after a proper juice cleanse: full of hustle, grit and grandmas goulash.

Prediction: Sky Fighters find Jesus and the net, but not without a fight. Karma 3, SF 4.

Fresh Kills at Dark Rainbows, 2:30 pm
by Ball Hogg

The dank pink tanks of Dank Rainbows take on a patch work who’s in who’s out line up for Fresh Kills on another installment of what I like to call Fourth Division Beat Down Day.

((yes that’s correct all Michaliga/Southeast Division teams are playing Soko/Southeast Division teams – why do we play these games again? Oh right, so Elves can lose to Gut Rot again.)

(Not) Much has changed from last year when this match-up represented the undefeated (sans a LOL shootout taken by the Barch pile) and the winless (sans a lucky loser LOL shootout point to the Riots). However, even a Yetter crop top won’t change this match-up on paper, even if Tia is going to try (and fail) to bring him in last minute as an element of surprise once again. Gabe, Ariel, Tom, and Frank do not show up but Sheena will figure out how to put one on net when the pressure of the cameras are not on her.

Rainbows will once again showcase their strengths of the trap, shot blocking, writing the Three Stars, and tanking for Gabe (oops, wrong league). And the Fresh Kills will just be better.

Prediction: I’ve wasted too many words on this preview. It’s gonna be FK 6-love (6-love, mixed doubles, Wimbledon style.)

LBS, Inc. at What the Puck, 3:30 pm
by Hicks

Zac ‘Hoggystyle’ Hogg, SAF Class of 2014 & 2015 Acc Alumnus, Masters of Accounting, & Bachelor of Accounting and Financial Management, Chartered Accounting and Corporate Finance Specializations, Economics Minor, University of Waterloo, ca.linkedin.com/in/zachogg/, Former UW AFSA President, Former CABS Chairman & VP Corporate Relations, Founder Waterloo Competitive Ball Hockey Inter-University Club (2015 OUBHL Champions) and Emily have been waiting his chance at redemption for last season’s round of 16 playoff defeat for what feels like forever (it’s really only been roughly 9 months). Emily has not so quietly been assembling an army of Zac/Zach/Zach’s that rivals only the Demons. Meanwhile, when not dropping fire tweets, Hogg has been caught up in some controversies surrounding sportsmanship. Fortunately for him, Jess(ica) is used to losing (especially races) and got over it and they made up and shook hands, which is what you’re supposed to do after games. In case that wasn’t clear, let me drop a **Phareouxic PSA** real quick. After a game, be a Gunner, not a Wolf. It’s a beer league with a bunch of grown adults chasing an orange ball around. Sheesh.

Back to our regularly scheduled game analysis now, the LBS come into this one having lost two in a row and hungry to get back in the win column. WTP enters riding the epitome of a roller coaster season having alternated wins and losses for nine straight weeks. Will this be the week they put together their first win streak of the season? Will Susie score her fourth goal of the season and according to a former Sultan, no longer be underrated? Will Frey show up and be sexy as hell? (okay, this was an easy one, the answer is yes. A better question would be if he plans on bringing back the pajama pants this season.) Do Roberts and Emily talk at all in the 24 hours leading up to this showdown? Will Klion enter the crease? How involved does Scotty K plan on getting? (very). With the exception of a few hiccups and what was quite possibly the only untaped shootout in league history (probably didn’t even happen), the LBS have looked downright unstoppable this season. It’s gonna be quite the challenge for WTP in this one; Hogg better queue up and begin watching the Pavel Barber videos now.

Prediction: Michael and Emily want to know how much will the LBS win this one by? This writer is predicting a 5-2 final with Hogg netting an assist to add to his collection of 2(!) from 6/17.