Jason Finally Got His Star

Third Star: These members of Poutine Machine, Poutine Machine. These three all contributed to Poutine’s solid defensive effort, which resulted in a shutout of MacNeil Division foe Mega Touch.  In addition, we’re always impressed when we see a bar showing like this.
Second Star: Jeff Kamen, Denim Demons. Kamen tallied a hat trick in the Game of the Week against Filthy Gorgeous to push the Denim Demons to a 4-3 victory.  With the win, the Demons maintained possession of first place in the Rubens Division.
First Star: Jason Eitel, Corlears Hookers. With only two goals entering this game, Eitel put in an A-Rod-like stat-padding performance with four goals in the Hookers’ 9-3 win against Gut Rot.  Of course, in fairness, after accumulating his goal stats, Eitel finally listened to his mother’s advice to pass more, resulting in an assist to Albert “Al” Huang.

Shaun deLacy GAA Watch

This year, due to a series of stupid bets made by Happy Little Elves goalie Shaun deLacy, the media will track his goals against average over the course of the regular season.

Goals Allowed This Week: 4 (vs. Rehabs)
Goals Allowed Previously: 31
Goals Allowed This Season: 35
Games Played: 11
Goals Against Average: 3.18
Next Opponent: Denim Demons (2.33 goals per game)

Shaun put in another mediocre performance this week, yielding four goals to the Rehabs.  With his goals allowed total at 35, deLacy is now guaranteed to finish with a GAA above 2.00, which was the condition of his pre-season bet with his captain Rich Glanzer.  This week, Shaun will face the Denim Demons, whom he shut out earlier this season, but only because of the expert leadership of guest captain Derek Tagliarino.

Know Your Corporate Executive

Name: Karsten Pichon
Current Title: Chief Compliance Officer, LBS, Inc. (2008-current)
Previous Titles: Intern, Sword of God (2003); Junior Winger, LBS (2003-2004); Director of Human Resources, LBS (2005-2006); Vice-President of Regulatory Affairs, LBS (2007-2008)
Hometown: Glen Cove, NY
Education: New York University
Motto: “Just win, baby!”
Mentor: Adam “Legend Killer” Rubens, fellow intern on Sword of God in 2003

Current Responsibilities:

• Managing and supervising the compliance department of LBS, Inc.
• Ensuring that LBS, Inc. abides by all rules, regulations, and by-laws set forth by BTSH
• Scoring goals
• Enforcing all internal policies and standards including the team dress code, curfew, and wellness guidelines
• Reporting all instances of non-compliance to CEO Sascha Puritz for further investigation

Accomplishments:

• Member of LBS during its championship season (2004)
• Played a pivotal role in the negotiations with and subsequent hiring of Chief Financial Officer Brian “Grandmaster B” Barrett (2008)
• Led BTSH in scoring with 29 goals (2009)
• Secured the site for LBS, Inc’s annual company retreat in rural Pennsylvania (2010)
• Filed an extensive report with the SEC in accordance with LBS, Inc.’s acquisition of the Gouging Anklebiters (2011)

Awards:

• Selected alongside linemate and majority shareholder “The Alpha Male” Ken Poulin as a 2007 Best Duo Award winner
• Nassau County’s Best Actor of 2008 for his portrayal of Nick Carraway in the Port Washington summer theatre production of The Great Gatsby
• Nominee for the 2010 Best Duo Award with BFF Rich Glanzer
• Compliance Week‘s Executive of the Month, June 2010
• Won the company pie-eating contest at the 2011 annual retreat

Organizations: Glen Cove Meteorological Society; Rich Glanzer Fan Club; North Shore Compliance Association (NSCA); Stage Actors Society of Long Island

Special Skills: Corporate governance; Weather forecasting; Proficient in Lotus 1-2-3; Sharp recognition of stick-checking fouls; Keen eye for detail

Home Life: In his spare time, Karsten enjoys constructing world landmarks out of Legos.  He has recently completed scale replicas of the Eiffel Tower, the Statue of Liberty, and Big Ben.

Goals: To add the New York Islanders to LBS, Inc.’s growing portfolio of diverse assets.