Week 13 – Game Previews – Part 1

Editor’s Note: With the thermometer pushing 100 degrees, we asked our correspondents to find out how BTSH Captains were beating the heat. Some responded with their full investigative and journalistic skills. Others were Rich Glanzer.

Lbs. at Poutine Machine
1:00 pm, Tompkins Square East
by Rich “Twitter King” Glanzer

I’m going to be insubordinate and instead of my theme being how do they beat the heat, I’m going to talk about a movie with Jim Belushi that I once saw. He’s a fine actor afterall. You have to see Real Men. Its awesome. The movie I’m referring to is not Real Men and its not awesome, but its still good cinema.

Its like that movie that I saw back in the day with that actor and hot actress. The kid strikes out in his last baseball game, and wonders, “If I only hit a home run, how would my life turn out?”

This is Lbs. vs. Poutine. Poutine was up 2 or even 3-0 last year vs. the Lbs., in the playoffs, when Poutine scored a goal or something that was disallowed and then the Lbs. came back, and the rest of y’all let them win a championship!

Now Poutine is stealing scraps off the floor of a third rate deli in NYC, while Sasha, Sam, Anne and Seth dine with the Trumps.

Fuck this shit. This is not how the story ends. I don’t like to take credit where its not due, but Poutine definitely owes their two victories to me. After I started the Twitter campaign of #SaveJerome Poutine has united and won two out of their past three or so games. I think. Meanwhile the Lbs. keep trending upwards as they are once again with the ranks of the elite.

Poutine has far too much pride to revert all the way to the bottom of the standings, and I think their good attendance plus team unity is going to get them rifling on all cylinders come summer time.

Much like the movie, I see a flashback where the kid hits the home run, marries the hot actress.

Poutine 3- Lbs. 2.

#Savethecheerleader #SaveJerome

But be careful what you wish for Poutine (Spoiler Alert). In the end, he longs for the moderately good looking but not hot actress (Chelsea Hicks) and dumps the supermodel (Claire Weingarten)

Sky Fighters at Demons
2:00 pm, Tompkins Square West
by Eli “I Wear a Hat” Kazin

Heat fears, anyone? Yes, the typical summer combination of unyielding heat and humidity is once again upon us. Sky Fighters captain Dan Hopper thought he had beaten the heat with a fool-proof plan to stay cool this week. Dan opened his refrigerator door and put a tent in front of it, then turned the coldness knob to 10 and taped the tent door flaps to the freezer. He said he got the idea when he noticed the refrigerator was cold. However, Dan’s seemingly brilliant plan did not last long, as within an hour, he overloaded the refrigerator’s motor, and was once again at the mercy of the heat. Perhaps he should have just gotten a pool instead?

As for the Demons…wait, the Demons again? This is the third straight week Sven has assigned the Fightin’ Rubens to us. Maybe we can mix it up next week with either the Butchers or the Elves? Anyway, back to the Demons. Demons are generally associated with hell and the devil. And last we checked, most characterizations of hell have it as an oppressively hot place. So this week’s heat wave is downright chilly for the Demons compared to what they are generally used to experiencing, and therefore the team isn’t doing anything to combat the heat. Rubens is hopeful that this strategy will intimidate the Sky Fighters on Sunday and lead to a victory. We’re in agreement, as the Sky Fighters annually struggle with attendance during the summer, while the Demons are playing some of their best hockey of the season. Demons take it, 3-1.

GutRot at Mega Touch
3:00 pm, Tompkins Square East

In previous years, the answer to how Gut Rot would beat this Sunday’s heat would be simple. They’d go to the beach. But with more than one victory under their belts Peaches is smelling the opportunity to finish in a decent position for a playoff run. So he’s ordered his troops off the sand and on to the ashphalt. Well order could be too strong a word. The exact quote was “It would be really rad if at least some of us showed up on Sunday and like, you know, played?” (yes, Peaches is the only person on either coast who still uses the phrase “rad”). Meanwhile, goalie Bill “Smooth” Tucker has been wearing his goalie gear in the Russian baths on 12th street. Bill explained that this isn’t so much about getting ready for Sunday’s game as much as preparing for his upcoming move to Texas. But either way, the Moonshine Warriors will have a squad that’s ready for extreme conditions.

MegaTouch is countering with their own secret weapon … Jorts. Famously debuted in a game against Poutine Machine a couple of years back, the Mega combination of grey crop tops and jorts has guaranteed competitive games in the dog days of July. It’s not so much about staying cool as the effect it has on opposing teams. While the Mega ladies look lovely showing some skin, very few of their male players are *ahem* “calendar ready”. As Hookers sharpshooter Tiffany Hagge was heard to comment . “It’s tough to score when you’re covering your eyes.”

This is going to be a tight one folks and the result is almost sure to be decided by attendance. We’ve got to give the edge to Gut Rot though. They’ve been playing with hunger and tenacity this year and they’re definitely the team that will want the victory more.

La Famiglia at What the Puck
4:30 pm, Tompkins Square East

If La Famiglia were staying true to their Mediterranean roots they would be heading for the spiaggia and sleep between 3 and 5 pm. But the schedule gods have cursed them with the cruel fate of a late afternoon game. How are they looking to beat the heat? Genetics. When the braintrust of Shafiq, Dr. Alfred Liu and Denis scientifically assembled the Fam roster for the year they did so with Mendelsohnian precision. And they went into the season with only one rule – no Northern Europeans. Why do you think Bill Monahan has made only a handful of games this year? He’s fallen victim to Denis’ “No Irish after April” rule. Indeed, the Tuques are all about the Southern Hemisphere and they have all the tools to roll in this hot weather.

Of course, some may think that they have overlooked the fact that we play until November. Not so, says Dr. Alfred Liu. “Global warming will give us the championship that Dave Landanyi never could”, commented the enigmatic strategist.

Meanwhile, What the Puck have been fighting the trend of past years and fielding decent-sized rosters for the past couple of weeks. What’s the secret promise that has players turning up? Team Captain Larry Zimmerman has been missing games because he was in high level negotiations for a new team sponsor. The ORG has learned exclusively that this week WTP officialy changes its name to “Sunny D Presents What the Puck”. While BTSH vets like Caitlin Ervin and Amy Jones have accused Larry of selling out, expect the bulk of the league to be angling for an invite to “the Citrus Lounge”, the new state-of-the-art, air conditioned, locker room that their new sponsor is providing the Orange warriors. “It’s got everything”, enthused Gina Hackett, “Lockers, ice packs …purple stuff.”

Nice one, Larry.

All this should make for a classic nature vs. nurture battle on Sunday. Expect the game to be close. But the massive amounts of sugar consumed by the Puckers as part of the new deal will take their toll in the second half. Haanwa Chau with game winner with five minutes left to give the Fam another 4-3 victory.

Dark Rainbows at Tompkins Square Riots
5:30 pm, Tompkins Square East

The Rainbows have been surprising a lot of teams with their strong play this year. A lot of that has been due to the exceptional work of netminder Ariel Kipnis. But how is a super tall, balding guy managing to keep his cool in this sweltering weather? Kipnis told us that he’s actually been a fan of the often overlooked Michael Keaton classic JACK FROST. “Whenever the heat gets to me, I just close my eyes and pretend I’m the little boy in that movie”, he explained to a somewhat incredulous ORG. Personally, we’ve always been terrified of the idea of our dead dad coming back to life as a snow zombie. But whatever works for you, Ari.

For the Riots, it’s been a team bonding week as Captain Amy Jones has insisted that they all spend as much time as possible in one of New York City’s Cooling Centers. When Scott Townsend protested that he “… has air conditioning in my apartment!”, Jones and fellow team leader Laura MacNeil chastised him for being part of the 1%. His punishment? Half an hour in the men’s bathroom at Tompkins Square Park. When asked to describe the experience Townsend muttered, “I’ve seen things, man …” Better to employ Craig Thompsons strategy of sipping on a mint julep (even while playing) and only talking to captains of other teams.

While the Rainbows have surprised a lot of folks this year, it’s going to be their turn to be shocked this week. Look for the Riots to finally find their scoring touch in this late afternoon game and pull off a 5-3 upset.

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