Corlears Hookers at Mathematcis
Generally at this point in the year, you can begin to evaluate teams and figure out who the contenders/pretenders are in the race for the PBR Cup. However, the Hookers are not one of those teams. Not only have they played only 8 games (seriously, only my dog is more frightened of water than them), they seemingly throw out a new roster each week. I guess they finally realized that Hogg meant it when he said “Cro, stop calling me, I’m not joining the Hookers” and have begun to host weekly tryouts. The only aspects of the Hookers roster that are consistent week over week are an eLEEt locker room glue guy, Cro acting as league weather boy/boy who cried weather fears, and Danilo and their women putting the team on their backs.
Meanwhile in the land of PEDMAS, it appears the dreaded Math summer vacation is upon us. I’ve been informed that there will be no Norri in attendance this week. You know what they say about that: no norri, no bueno. Math fans are dying to know will John be there? What about Langer or Amy? Before you write everyone’s favorite subject off though, keep in mind that this is a team that has made a name for itself over the past few seasons by winning games they weren’t supposed to win (anyone remember the playoffs against Cobra Kai last year?). I even remember a Fuzz vs. Math game from 2016 where the Mathletes were without Sam and they still beat everyones favorite poachers team. They’ll most likely need Perras to score another (sort of) hat trick in this game, but if that happens, I’ll give this team a puncher’s chance (especially if Eli goes full goon and punches someone. He’s emeritus, he can do that).
Prediction: Cro spends all of the first half cherry picking, not for goals, but because it’s the side with shade. Second half comes around and he switches to defense because weather is scary. Meanwhile despite effectively playing 4 on 5 for portions of the game, the Hookers onslaught is too much for a shorthanded Mathnasty leading to an outcome similar to the first time these two teams met. 6-2 Hookers.
Tompkins Square Riots at Gut Rot
Attention BTSH: you can no longer sleep on the Tompkins Square Riots. As the saying goes in the NHL – it isn’t the team you start the season with, it’s the team you finish with – same goes for BTSH. Within the recent weeks the Riots have added some versatile talent to compliment their already competent squad. The flat-rimed-hat and tank-top wearing dude is quick as lightning and the blood-red white-trimmed shirt wearing lady with the fancy skills have brought some scary depth to this already estimated team.
That’s all fine and dandy. Good for the Riots. But the Gut Rot, Bitchezzz ain’t got time for your upgrades or previews. They’re too focused on registering and planning for the wedding of the summer at Hockey Beach. Tommy’s day time beach parties are legendary and last year Perko had 11 hours of his life go unaccounted for.
Prediction: earlier in the season when they faced off it went to a lengthy shootout with GR prevailing and we see GR getting the W again, but in regulation, 3-2.
Mega Touch at Instant Karma
by Julius Rex
Megatouch vs. Instant Karma – talk about two old school BTSH teams who play purely for the love of an excuse to drink on a Sunday afternoon on a corroded blacktop surface in high temperatures and even higher humidity. The two teams, captained by Julie “Sweetheart but will Cut You” Katz and Isaac “Hunky and Seasoned” Stewart , will play hard – but respectfully, and immediately apologize if they commit any sort of infraction.
On Mega, we have the round mound of sometimes a rebound, Tuckman, between the pipes, watch out for his blocker, Karma. We have the not so threatening, until you see her on the courts, newcomer Shelly P to shut down any of Karma’s potential offense. The real might of mega comes on forward in the one man who can lead a charge, Alok. Between Alok, Julie, and Alex E M’s knee socks, Mega will have an offense that just can’t be defended. Keep your eyes peeled, Karma, Megatouch is a secret team of immense talent (I say that 100% unsarcastically) so, beware; when they touch you, they touch you Mega…Mega, before you go touching people (with your hands or tour sticks) first get Karma to sign a release form before invading their private square.
To lead the charge for Karma we have a very big man, even bigger personality, and a hockey stick that’s a foot taller than me, Chadwick. On defense we have Bill to attempt to keep things at bay and prevent any Mega goals. My real question for you, BTSH, in the Chadwick/Stewart duo, who is Batman and who is Robin?…I am sure Karma will have a strong female force out on the court Sunday – I would specifically comment on the female players great attributes, but Karma took so many ladies on their team, it’s anybody’s guess for who will actually get to play. Karma will be a contender with their mix of older BTSH and their newer, much younger, players.
This game on Sunday, will really be a game of who can nice the other team into losing. I know Karma has its charms and good looks, but I must side with the combo of niceness and talent that Megatouch will just too Mega for Karma and pull out the “W.” Sorry Karma, better luck next week.
P.S. Megatouch, I still love you…and I want one of the new raspberry shirts.
Sky Fighters at Gouging Anklebiters
Despite the dispositions of these squads this season, this match will nonetheless have a real feel of a very high degree but unfortunately a dew point of minus Cro (namely because he won’t be playing since he’s on neither team). It’s a divisional rivalry that will likely have the Biters in their alternate swatch kits and the Fighters in their classic blues—personally, two of my favorite colors.
There is clearly a lack of parity in goal production, as Puppy and Jared’s contributions account for nearly half (47.7%) of the team’s total; the rest of the team (9 players) share the remainder. Their absence—perhaps physically but primarily in the game if the Fighters mark them well—is critical. But if they’re not absent, consider Bubblebath relaxing in net with this tablet, re-igniting his Photoshop skills for the league brethren, because he’ll think the farthest the opponent will go (in terms of an offensive campaign) will be the halfcourt line. Schuie will be happy of not having to play a stressful game knowing his linemates have the wherewithal to effortlessly shut down a team in last place (and thus can take care of his kid on the sidelines).
That said, Caroline’s Fighters would have their work cut out for them. With their goals-for tallies split between 9 players (the highest with 5, Joe W.), defense will be imperative, above all. Infanti will have to be fulcrum for the team: since he’s got the longest legs, we assume he could run all day, and if that’s true, he’ll have to cover both sides of the ball. Personally, I’d like to see former league manager (beer connoisseur, and well-renowned volunteer for the Rangers organization) Bob W. to input his old-school skills in the mix. Yes, this league is predominantly twenty-somethings, but it also means that the older outfield players still have something under their sleeves. And for Bob, while that “something” may likely be cider in a sports bottle, we want to believe there are days where it’s more than that. My advice for the Fighters: defense, defense, defense. Lock it down and be patient in finding the exploits in the Biters’ formation. There’s bound to be disorganization along the road.
Prediction: Totally contingent on the Biters’ offense, but the Fighters will get at least one goal on the board. Stein will be out of his mind at the end of 50 minutes, but at least he’ll have watched both quarterfinal World Cup™ games before playing his own. Biters’ emerge victorious, 4-1.
Rehabs at Butchers
by Roger Mediator
It must be “Writer Strike Week”, as the home team dukes it out for dominance with their unequal visitors. Expect fireworks from the crafty forwards. In goal, it’s Ramirez vs. Burke, but before you jump to conclusions you need to consider the relative strengths of the offense and defense in front of them. In other words, goaltending might not be the most significant factor. They’re going to try to rebound from last week’s loss and make a big statement, and it’s up to their opponents to stop them.
Prediction: Butchers upset the Rehabs, 4-3.