Fresh Kills at Filthier
by Chairwoman Rachel
Speaking as someone who his the (dis) pleasure of playing these both of these teams twice a year: Yes, they are that a good. It’s infuriating, they run circles around you and then are super nice about it, so you can’t even be that mad. JJ will take the ball from you and apologize with his extreme Canadian accent “sore-ry, Rachel,” Soko might say “npocth,” but probably not. I think Sheena is the face in that relationship. Obviously you’ll see an amazing display of talent, but also a shining example of how games should be played in BTSH. These teams exemplify the golden rule. They show us that apparently, you can be good at hockey without being a dick. Except Tim K, man that guy is a dick. Good think they keep him between the pipes, amirite? Yoshi can’t save you now, Tim.
OK, now onto the actual game prediction: Last time these two teams faced off, Filthier edged out the Kills by one lil’ goal. However, it looks like the Kills are getting their championship vibe back with Tom’s triumphant return, Soko actually scoring goals, and the trust-worthy ever present sub Jeff. On the other hand, Filthy does not look to be bemoaning the loss of Suvin or Dennis. Seems their departure just clearing the way for Sunny to shine. Maybe this will be the week for Danielle to pot one against Patrick “Girls don’t score on me” B?
These two teams have both won championships in the last few years, and although the Kills have lost a few this season, I think they’ll start picking it up as we’ve passed the half-way point of the season. I think they will split the series, 2-1 Fresh Kills.
Denim Demons at Gremlins
While many of us were eagerly awaiting BTSH’s favorite annual tradition of Fuzz vs Rehabs last week, Drake aka Jimmy from Degrassi sneakily did what he seems to do every year: drop a new album designed to make you want to call your ex. So in honor of that one guy who would steal your girl but then feel bad and try to get you back together with her, let’s assign Drake lyrics to these teams as we evaluate this matchup. Sorry that some most of this might go over your head, Walker 🙁
Lyric: “Started from the bottom now we here”; Song: “Started From the Bottom”; Album: Nothing Was The Same
Friendly reminder that butt touching (without consent) is no bueno. Drake may say that he started from the bottom, but he most likely started with a “hello” and got consent first. It’s Drake after all.
Anyways, this is a team that not too long ago was a D4 team and now they’re just three points back of Cobra Kai and once again knocking on the door of promotion to D2. In the past two and a half seasons they’ve done some of the best recruiting (NOT poaching) in BTSH, adding Marcella and the SALT BOYZZZ (did I get the number of Z’s right?) to a core that already included Jamie and Erich, one of the best goalie/player duos in the league. On top of that you have sandwich science denier Walker patrolling the blue line while calculating his career +/- (multitasking on fleek) and this is a team that can make a run come September.
Lyric: “I’m upset”; Song: “I’m upset”; Album: Scorpion
What aren’t the Demons upset about? Playing overly physical in a non contact league and get a penalty called on you (they’re upset). Get scolded/awarded an Oscar for diving (they’re upset). No one truly accepts them as league sweethearts (they’re upset). Jen gets hit in the tit again (she’s upset, I think? Maybe not.). A little rain on the court means it’s time to cancel the second half of the game(everyone but Rubens is upset).
When they aren’t upset, the Demons have assembled a very talented group of player Zachs who hustle well and at least one always seems to get on the score sheet. Couple that with goalie Zach and you have a team that will make you work.
Prediction: The Demons continue their march to Southeast D4 that started with their quarterfinal “upset” loss to the Gremlins in the 2015 playoffs. Gremlins 5, Demons 1, but that’s assuming we don’t end up entering a *BONUS DRAKE LYRIC* situation.
Bonus Lyric: “Just hold on were going home”; Song: “Hold On, We’re Going Home”; Album: Nothing Was the Same
A little rain might cause the Demons to drop this lyric. In which case, Gremlins win by forfeit.
Cobra Kai at Poutine Machine
by Roger Mediator
It must be “Mismatch Week”, as the home team dukes it out for dominance with their unequal visitors. Expect fireworks from the crafty forwards. In goal, it’s Campbell vs. RJ, but before you jump to conclusions you need to consider the relative strengths of the offense and defense in front of them. In other words, goaltending might not be the most significant factor. They’re going to try to rebound from last week’s 3-1 loss and make a big statement, and it’s up to their opponents to stop them.
Prediction: Cobra Kai wins again and maintains division dominance, 4-1.
Fuzz at LBS, Inc., 2:15 pm West
by Jess (feat. Baron Föncken von Winckerbean as mentor)
Time to pack on the pounds!!! Okay, now that that joke is out of the way, Fuzz has been a force with which reckoning must be undergone. It’s a team of mostly old, bald, ex-cop tough guys (plus Glanzer) (no offense). They drink only light beer, eat only baked clams, and park wherever there’s a No Parking sign. But they also make quick shift changes, pass flawlessly, and slake libidinously their dipsomaniacal thirst for goals. Weighing in at the other corner: the LBS, a team so misguided they need a pronunciation key for their name. They’ve only suffered 2 losses this season: one to the unpredictable Butchers, and the other to the unstoppable juggernaut known as Instant Karma (who have more ink colors on their t-shirts than they’ve had goals since beating LBS). If LBS can be as tough as the last remaining thread on Scott’s Blink 182 t-shirt (seriously, how the fuck has that thing not ripped from the faintest breeze) then the Fuzz may be in for some trouble.
Prediction: Overtime, resulting in LBS winning the shootout, because Glanzer couldn’t nag or neg any female FA into submission through demeaning DMs, and Fuzz’s #girlpower is seriously lacking this July.
What the Puck at Dark Rainbows, 3:30 pm East
by Jess (feat. Ebeneezer Wawa, heir to the Wawa Billions, as mentat)
Will the Rainbows get revenge from their last encounter with WTP? More importantly, will Jess (yes, referring to her-(my)-self in the third person) shake Zac’s hand after the game? Well, I can tell you one thing, she won’t, because she’ll be on vacation. The Rainbows could use a little bounce back action after last week’s pummeling from the Riots (no offense), provided they bounce back only as far as the game they won, and no farther. With the return of key players like Tia, Wes, and Bryan “only scores backhand and in the All-Star Game” L., they just might be able to use their grit and team chemistry to pull off another win.
However, What The Puck is most likely coming in with HOT RAGE after their loss two weeks ago to the Gremlins, who scored a goal in the last 40 seconds to notch the big W. This might be the blind fury WTP needs to crush the Rainbows. With 2 teams of charged up energy, anything can happen in this revenge rematch. Literally anything, including an eruption of gigantic carnivorous razor-toothed worms through the league’s eponymous Black Top, resulting in a catastrophic bloodbath, from our perspective, but a delightful afternoon of merriment and feasting from the worms’ perspective, and leaving nothing behind but a vast field of ground-up rectums for the cleanup team to sweep up.
Prediction: blithely assuming the enormous worms delay their assault until next week, What the Puck’s anger from their prior loss will be too much to control, and they will overpower the Rainbows 3-2, blissfully unaware of the monstrous fate in store for them (and their rectums) in the days to come.