Wait A Minute!  That Sky Fighter Isn’t Martin!

Those From Staten Island Were Sent Home
This year’s All-Star Game deviated from BTSH’s traditional random division of teams by splitting players based on their current residence. With the battle line of the East River clearly drawn, a new rivalry of Brooklyn and Queens versus Manhattan and Jersey began. However, it should quickly be noted that the Manhattan/Jersey alliance is tenuous at best. The game commenced with the East taking an early lead on a goal by Eric Devlin of Bad Touch. Unfortunately, much like a real Bad Touch game, this would prove to be his side’s only goal. Towards the end of the first half, the West struck for three quick goals, scored by Derek Tagliarino (Mathematics), Matt Workman (Filthy Gorgeous), and Larry “Mad Dog” Zimmer (What The Puck). A late second half goal by the West’s Micael Holmstrom (Denim Demons) iced the 4-1 victory.

Although the West won bragging rights until next season’s contest, the game’s outcome was not the only story of the day. While his team came up short, East co-coach Adam “Legend Killer” Rubens intimidated his opposition, sporting a purple blazer, a fedora, a pair of sunglasses, a yellow legal pad, and an “I Love Brooklyn” t-shirt. West co-coach Rachel “A-Korn” Greene had a beer and a cigarette. Other highlights include a failed attempt at multi-ball by Mexican Standoff, a Rehabs bum rush on Craig “Ug” LaCombe, and referee Sven Larsen getting hit in the testicular region by a ball.

With his team’s loss, Rubens remained true to his word, and the entire East team was forced to swim home to Brooklyn.

The Keystones Of The Rehabs Move To The Keystone State
As the sun set on another BTSH afternoon last Sunday, eyes began to well up as league members realized that two of their dearest and most respected comrades would be heading for greener pastures. Though their memory and legend will continue to live in the hearts of all of those whom they touched, Jon “Dinner Plate” Feldman and Stacy Kehoe of the Rehabs have decided to hang up their sneakers to pursue academic glory. Feldman will now celebrate Canada Day in the City of Brotherly Love, as he heads to Wharton Business School to learn more about the American dollar. Kehoe will proudly wear the red and the black in the Steel City, as she continues her education at Carnegie Mellon and finds a new group of impressionable young minds to mentor. In recognition of their service to the league, the media will dedicate a section of the post-season awards ceremony in their honor.

Know Your Neighbors

Name:Sarah Coombs
Team: Mathematics
Nickname: Coombs
Suggested Nickname: Nails
Rejected Nicknames: Mrs. Pratt, 2Pac, West Coast, Carl’s Jr., Ski
Origin: Studio City, CA
College: Kenyon College
Early Aspirations: To achieve equal rights for women everywhere
Reason to Love Her: She thinks everything is awesome.
Reason to Hate Her: Sometimes, things just aren’t that awesome.
Best Known For: Sarah gets it “Animal Style” at In and Out Burger.
Fast Fact:Sarah was heartbroken when the Los Angeles Raiders and Los Angeles Rams moved from her home city, leaving her without a football team to cheer for.  However, she remains Jerome Bettis’s number one fan.
Favorite Things: Smog, traffic, wild fires, big budget movies with little plot
Favorite Beverly Hills 90210 Character: Nat Bussichio
Hero: Maude Lebowski
Hockey Comparison: Manon Rheaume
Non-Hockey Comparison: Minnie Mouse
Reason the Media Will Continue to Overhype Her: Sarah is a gender neutral being…at least in the eyes of BTSH…less so, in the eyes of Andy Pratt.
Down the Road:Sarah wins several million dollars in Atlantic City by betting on double zero in roulette.  She retires from BTSH and returns home where she buys the famous Studio City Hand Car Wash on Ventura Boulevard and restores the Studio City Theater (which is now just a Barnes and Nobles).  Councilwoman Wendy Greuel gives her the key to Studio City for her community philanthropy.

Captains’ Commendations

Bad Touch: David Ritter was a stone pimp.
Cobra Kai: Erica Bader played tough.
Corlears Hookers: Anyone who would dare wear goalie pads in this weather deserves a commendation.
Dark Rainbows: John Cassidy healed his back in time for the game.
Denim Demons:Captain Adam “Legend Killer” Rubens orginally wanted to recognize Ana Hurka-Robles, who had a goal disallowed in the Demons’ victory.  However, much like the refs took away her goal, Rubens later changed his mind and opted to commend Aaron Pagdon.
Filthy Gorgeous: “[I’ll commend] half of our team for not being here, including me…and Matt Workman brought post-game watermelon and shared it with the Unicorns.” – Monica Russo
Fresh Kills: B.R. Rolya was wounded in the line of battle…yet again.
Gouging Anklebiters: “Shannon [Voto]set up my goal with a sweet fucking pass.” – Phil “Sandy” Donohue
LBS, Inc.: “I think Seth [Wachtell] was outstanding, but don’t write that.  Write something dirty and perverse.” – Sascha Puritz
Mathematics: Jeff “The Hawk” Hawkins cleverly stayed in Vancouver and avoided the debacle.
Mexican Standoff: “Fuck you…I’ve been thinking about that for weeks.” – Jefferson Hendricks
Rehabs: “Stacy [Kehoe] and [Jon “Dinner Plate”] Feldman, with a thousand hearts, played their final game with the team.” – Bryan “Stork” Welch
Tuques: Zoe Markwick scored her first goal ever in BTSH.
What The Puck: “The Mathematics, for dressing up like us.  You guys are priceless.  Can you dress up like us every week?” – Larry “Mad Dog” Zimmer