Anklebiters Caught!

Disciplinary Committee Chair Haanwa Chau has finally completed her thorough investigation into alleged hazing violations against the Gouging Anklebiters. She has put forth the following report:

The following charges are brought:

First, that the Gouging Anklebiters did knowingly violate the rules governing free agent recruitment by serving alcohol to new players during scrimmage weeks and after established drinking hours.

Second, that for the fifth consecutive season, the Anklebieters have achieved a deficient knowledge of league rules and guidelines.

Third, that the Anklebiters routinely provided dangerous performance-enhancing drugs to its players during the playoff weeks.

And most recently, that a Roman toga party was held, from which I have received two dozen reports of individual acts of perversion so profound and disgusting that decorum prohibits listing them here.

These are the charges as recorded this day July 27, 2010.  Faithfully submitted, Haanwa Chau, Disciplinary Chair.

After consulting with former Disciplinary Chair, Jeremy “The Foot” Schumacher, Chau has placed the Anklebiters on “double secret probation”.

Dirty Laundry

Written by Fashion Correspondent Abigail Meisterman

Obviously, writing this week’s edition of Dirty Laundry could be considered a conflict of interest. However, I will do my best to maintain my journalistic integrity by simply stating the facts about the Denim Demons’ new shirts.

• The shirts are red, as every Demon shirt always has been and always will be.
• The team name, “Denim Demons,” is centered on the shirt in an old-fashioned script.
• Below the name is the tagline “Purveyors of olde-tyme hockey since 2002” in a different, flowery, old-timey script. The Demons started in the league in 2002 and in their early years as a team, they garnered the reputation of being rough, violent players (probably due to their losing record and to the fact that half the team were groupies of the puck-rock band, Two Man Advantage, which made up the other half*). Because of this rough-and-tumble approach to hockey, some later team members (coughLenaMoyBorgencough) adopted the phrase “old time hockey,” as exclaimed by the Hanson Brothers in the excellent movie Slap Shot, as their motto. The use of the phrase on the t-shirt is a self-deprecating yet celebratory nod to the Demons’ history.
• There is a curlicue underneath it all.

The reason for such simplistic t-shirts, baby doll shirts, tank tops, and dry-fit shirts, is that this year, the Demons also purchased team jackets that are emblazoned with the symbolic biker hat** that has graced most of their gear.

See, that was pretty un-biased, right? I, and my team, love you all and think we should have a league picnic where everyone brings his or her favorite stuffed toys and we sing songs and braid each others hair and share the love we all feel for one another.

Or something.

* The only remaining member of Two Man Advantage on the team is goalie Aaron “Coach” Pagdon.

** Both the biker hat and the team name comes from the band Turbonegro, a Norwegian punk-leather band whose “faux-mo-erotic” lyrics can be found here.

Know Your Neighbor

Name: Adam Langer
Team: Mathematics
Suggested Nickname: The Animal
Rejected Nicknames: Target, The Broker, Langer, Powder Keg
Origin: New City, NY
College: State University of New York at Albany
Early Aspirations: To make it to the East side of the Hudson River
Current Aspirations: To compete in the Westchester Triathlon on September 26
First Job: Carousel operator at the Palisades Center mall
Current Job: Associate broker of commercial real estate at Zelnik and Company
Hero: Donald Trump
Reason to Love Him: Adam got in an altercation with league disciplinarian Jeremy “The Foot” Schumacher during one of his first BTSH games.  At the time, he was unaware of Schumacher’s role, though The Foot probably deserved it.
Reason to Hate Him: With Adam’s short fuse, you may be next.
Best Known For: Being the “fast, sort of tan guy, with somewhat long hair” on the Mathematics
Fast Fact: When fellow real estate broker Georgine “Mulva” Paulin was on the Mathematics, she and Adam would frequently hold joint real estate seminars.
Favorite Things: New York Rangers, Phish, scarves, drumming with his nephew
Favorite Team Event: High tea with Andrew Lu
Least Favorite Things: Clarkstown South High School, the Tappan Zee Bridge toll, cold necks, disallowed goals
Hockey Comparison: Ryan Callahan
Non-Hockey Comparison: A gazelle
Things The Media Will Continue to Overhype About Him: He’s part of the Mathematics’ “youth movement”, along with teammates Scott Lee, Meagan Vincent, and Sean “$howJu” McClain.
Down the Road: For the third consecutive year, Adam misses the playoffs in his own fantasy hockey league.  His downfall occurs when a hang nail ends first round pick Marian Gaborik’s season after only four games.