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Week 12 – Game Previews – Part 1

Scott & Dave

Editor’s Note: With the NHL trading season in full swing, we asked our correspondents to grill their sources for news of impending deals in BTSH. Who’s most likely to be traded? Who’s getting a long term contract extension? And is it true that Peaches has sold the naming rights for Gut Rot to Franzia? “Box Wine” doesn’t pack quite the power of “Gut Rot” but according to our sources, it and several other big changes are looming in the league’s future.

Cobra Kai at Dark Rainbows
1:00 pm, Tompkins Square West
by Monica “She’s Never Coming Back!” Russo

This week’s theme is “trades.” As per SPL, we’re supposed to write about which trades the captains of the teams we’re writing about would make.

Here’s a question: who in god’s holy name are the captains of DR/CK? Are they still Sean and Greg? I’ll proceed as if they’re still Sean and Greg.
Sean needs some young blood on the team and the bench. Since Violet, the Rainbows Baby, has packed up her igloo and headed off to college, there’s been a lack of childlike joie de vivre on the Rainbows. So he’ll trade $#0wt!&*$E (particularly impressive, since he’s not even a Rainbow) for BTSH golden boy Scott Lee.
Greg, on the other hand, will trade me a punch in the face for the chance to get Kristen Wise back. NOT GONNA HAPPEN, Greg Allman.

Happy Little Elves at Butchers
2:00 pm, Tompkins Square West

When it comes to deals, the Elves have got some hard questions to ask. After a red hot start the Smiling Sprites have cooled off significantly over the last few weeks. The big question? Is the problem in the front office or with the players on the court? There are some legendary tempers on the Green Goblins and some are wondering if Captain Rich Glanzer’s Tortorella style of management has had it’s day. Certainly, having Trevor “Haribo” Beauclair do post-game Tabata Squats after only scoring two goals in his last game was the low point of Richie’s coaching career. And his recent Anthony Weiner like posting of his torso across Facebook has many questioning if the Head Elf has finally lost it. But give the man a break. What other team could handle such diverse personalities as Luisa ‘the Surgeon” Mirarchi, Ben “the Barbariben” Chadwick and Jenna “Poison in the Locker Room” Cruff?

But as much as we feel for Rich, it’s clearly time for a change. Expect Glanzer, Courtney Mcbride and the rights to Ryan Nakahara to be traded to the Rehabs for Sena Ito and future considerations. New Captain Sarah Torenten will waste no time aping the Mathematics strategy. Expect her to begin recruiting the rest of the Valdes family and (in her words) “Giving Shaun time to heal emotionally.”

On the other hand, don’t expect the Butchers to be very active in the free agent market. This team’s whole reason for being is to hang out and play together. So trading a player would be like kicking someone out of their family. However, Beth Bruder’s recent signing by the Toronto Maple Leafs does leave a roster spot open. Expect Rachel Greene to pull off a surprise move and sign up UFA Meredith Danberg-Ficarelli. MDF has been honing her skills in the Lebanese Ball Hockey league and after hearing about the Glanzer trade, she’s a lock not to return to the Rehabs. MDF is a talented player but one who really cares more as much (if not more) about having a good time off the court as winning. In other words, a classic Butcher.

Of course, if none of this happens expect a 4-3 Elves shootout win.

Fresh Kills at What the Puck
3:00 pm, Tompkins Square West
by Rich “Notice how I didn’t mention the Elves championship this week?” Glanzer

Fresh Kills vs. WTP. This rivalry is as storied as Federer vs. Roddick, the Yankees vs. Red Sox (pre 2004), the Globetrotters vs. Washington Generals. Yes … its been pretty one-sided the last two years with Fresh Kills winning the 2011 BTSH Championship over WTP and then eliminating them last year after being down 2-0.Β 

While the regular season is just a tuneup, make no mistake, FK captain Dave Soko looks at the standings and sees his team is a perfect 10-0. The undefeated season is looming. But so are the men in orange. This isn’t going to be some walkover with a 4-goal spread. This is going to be an intense game where WTP captain Larry Zimmer will look to get revenge, and ruin Soko’s dream of finishing undefeated.
So who will win? We know Fresh Kills will never have any attendance problems. Much like you had to leave the 80s pop group Menudo once you turned 15, Dave makes you leave Fresh Kills when you get a job. This is a strict policy with everyone except Sarah Hobart. They still need to pay the league fee so Hobart is allowed to keep her secretarial job at some hospital. They even let her wear scrubs I hear.
Meanwhile, WTP always has issues of attendance in the summer. I have emailed Gina to find out who they got this week, and got this response.Β http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WbQ2vnSNCwc
So I’m going to have to take FK 4-2 in this one.Β 
As for the trades each captain would make …

Soko would trade the Rainbows 2007 championship, Sky Fighters 2009 championship, and the Lbs. 2012 championship for Fresh Kills championships.Β Larry would trade Corey for the Rehabs for Rob B., $h0T!m3, and the rights to Kehoe and MDF. And then he would just take Corey back.

Poutine Machine at Rehabs
4:30 pm, Tompkins Square West

For the Rehabs, watching Poutine struggle in the second division is probably like watching a replay of their 2012 season. The Rehabs looked poised to make a legitimate run at the division title this year but then they suffered the much documented loss of key players like Stacy Kehoe and Meredith Danberg-Ficarelli. But even more devastating has been the lack of a legitimate starting goalie.

So Bryan Welch has been working the phones like crazy during the break. And he’s been offering an attractive package. Any Captain willing to take Hector “Showtime” Melendez will also get Alex “HBO” Zabala and Shawn “Cinemax” Kirkham for free. Word is that after starting a new TV blog, the Elves Rich Glanzer couldn’t resist a deal like that. In return, the ‘Habs will pick up Ben Chadwick, Trevor Beauclair and Shaun deLacey. When asked why he would trade away his starting goalie, Glanzer will reply, “To be honest, I completely forgot that Shaun played nets for us.”

For Poutine, it’s all about the scoring. With a per game scoring average of 0.5, the Poutiners resemble the 2013 Rangers. And that’s not a compliment. On the bright side, they appear to be turning things around a little bit, scoring 3 goals and netting the win in their last game. But don’t expect captain Patrick Larsen to remain idle. That’s why he’s been offering green card sponsorship for any Canadians willing to join the machine (a big shout out to Claire Weingarten and Kara Asuncion for agreeing to “marriages of convenience” for the sake of the team). Unfortunately, so far the only taker has been the Rehab’s, Jon Feldman a deal that was automatically vetoed by Larsen. “There’s only room for one ref-abusing player from Ottawa on this team”, remarked the PM skipper.

Look for these evenly matched squads to battle hard. 3-2 in OT for the Poutiners.Not so for Lbs. Since their 2012 championship win, Sascha Owens has vowed that Lbs. players are like Supreme Court justices. They all hold their positions for life. In fact, when Karen Erickson mentioned that it might be nice to get a goal scorer who wasn’t Karsten or Ken, Owens forced her to hand embroider new LBs. logos on a fresh batch of crisp white polo shirts. Like your Grampa, the Lbs. don’t like change. So don’t expect any additions to this squad any time soon.

Expect a spirited match here but the Filthies depleted roster is going to be a problem for them in the second half of this game. 5-3 LBs. with Karsten scoring the go ahead goal with five minutes left.

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