Dark Rainbows at Sky Fighters

By Tracy Demon

Whichever side wins this game is going to get a much-needed confidence boost. Both teams are on a bit of a slide and desperately looking to get back in the W column. In their last match the ‘Bows came out blazing and shocked the Demons by scoring two goals in the first few minutes before falling victim to the Neil scoring juggernaut. The Sky Fighters have shown grit against talented teams like LBS and Butchers and have eked out a couple of exciting OT wins over lower-division teams. Speaking of grit, who else witnessed Emily almost beat a member of the publicbeerbong crew in a push-up contest two weeks ago? It was impressive. Advice to the Rainbows: don’t get distracted by Emily’s guns, make sure both Tarnow and Yetter show up, have Jess score another goal, and don’t leave Mia open in front of the net. Advice to the Sky Fighters: switch the tape in Greenwald’s boom box (first make sure his in-game tunes come from an old-school boom box) to play heavy metal layered with subliminal messages that confound the Rainbows defense, causing them to drop their sticks and wander around in circles.

GUNS!!!

Prediction: Some say it’s lame to predict games going to overtime, but I really do think this one will, and I need to be true to my convictions. Sky Fighters 3-2 OT SO.

Gut Rot at Poutine Machine

By The Meatbox

Figured I would get some practice in before I defend my love making poem world championship at the (shameless plug) BTSH Olympics.

Akhil’s hat is red

Jo’s team wears blue

Becca doesn’t have a shirt on

When she plays pou.

Morgen is Cleveland’s queen

And Gut rot wears green

But today they play

A Poutine Machine.

Sully’s has a shamrock tat

And Russo was probably in a frat

But where is Christian Hughes?

Did he pay his team dues?

The first half will start close

A true goaltending duel

Does gut rot have a chance?

Don’t be a fool.

There will be lots of goals

Just mostly for blue

The final score

will be 7 to 2.

LBS, Inc. vs. Mathematics

Written by Erica Sinclair

This game has more questions than answers. Some of which are:

  • Will Boylan wear her heart-shaped sunglasses to play in this game?
  • Is there anything in the world that Sarah hates more than receiving emails from me? 
  • Can Math pull the upset and hand Lbs only their 2nd loss of the season? (Fingers crossed.)
  • Will the much beloved Norris dynasty ever rise again? (Zach has really been pulling the weight for y’all. Just sayin’.)
  • Is Freylikhman too focused on D5 and Ocean City at this point to even show up for this game?
  • Is Hogg ever going to finally start posting the box scores to the Facebook group?? (Wait, that is unrelated to this game.)
  • Are Hilary and Boylan a shoo-in for Best Duo? (They’ve got my vote.)
  • Is Zisser going to keep the bag of wine on top of his net for in-game use? (You’re welcome, for the idea.)
  • Will Ali ever grace the pavement of Tompkins Square Park again?
  • Who is this Jack McGinty kid I’ve been hearing so much about?
  • Did Jake actually move away to Boston? Because I feel like I still see him all the time.
  • Does Eli call things “right down the middle”?
  • Will Langer, Perras, and Brad ever show on the same day? (old school Math line.)
  • How many licks does it take to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop? (Oops, also unrelated to this game.)
Come back.

Prediction: The only thing Sarah hates more than receiving emails from me is losing. Unfortunately, much like my emails…..this is unavoidable. 4-3, Lbs.

Mega Touch (5-3-1) at What the Puck (4-3-2)

Tompkins East, 15:30 (3:30pm)

Smack-dab in the middle of the Sunday schedule—and what will likely be the hottest part of day—is this intra-conference matchup between two squads recharged from America’s 243rd birthday topped off with the USWNT bringing home some silverware (rather, gold) from the WWC final in Décines-Charpieu. The clash isn’t exactly what people might think as high on the Hypebeast™ scale, but because both teams emerged winning prior to the break, you can bet they’ll be wanting more.

The visitors in heather gray (and sometimes jorts) have had the ride of their lives, falling to division rival Dank Rainbows, but triumphing over the Salt Boyzzz syndicate and even The Dojo. And it’s probably because toy designer Eric D. has perhaps been rigging up things that have given his team an advantage, circumventing certain rules in the process, methinks. I’m kidding… maybe. That or the sock color of a certain individual has been sufficient to distract opposition.

The Oranje (“naar links! naar rechts!”) have also gone through their own ups and downs. They’ve staved off forceful Fuzz but have been damned by the Demons in extra time (although the Demons have been in form most of the season). The most impressive stat of Puck’s campaign is that it is one of two teams—according to current posted statistics—to have a female (Sam, with a hat trick to boot) co-lead (with rookie Henry) her squad in scoring contributions (Cherie is tied with Sir-Hicks-a-lot for the Rehabs). That said, I guess the threats for Mega are easily detectable here, except given Hoggystyle’s versatility to play both outfield and in goal… he might try to ref his own game as well!!! I’m kidding… maybe.

Prediction: as I might have mentioned before, the hype probably won’t be that high. But given the demeanor between both sides, I don’t expect the level of sensationalism to spark the likes of Maury or Keemstar/Worldstar/[insert noun]-star. I expect a good clean match overall and for Annie from the Pucks to slot one past Mega’s back line at the death for a 2-1 win.

Butchers at Fresh Kills

Well, there’s a lot riding on the line for Georgine and the Butchers in this game.  With two precious points up for grabs that will ultimately count towards their final season total; they can’t afford to be all half-assed on any shift.  Playoff seeding is vital and no team wants a date with Mega Touch.

Same can be said for Barch and Fresh Kills.  With two precious points up for grabs that will ultimately count towards their final season total; they can’t afford to get all haphazard on any shift.  Playoff seeding is vital and no team wants a date with the Dark Rainbows.

Prediction: with both teams coming off of an L and currently tied for 13th in the league standings neither lets their guard down in this one.  Eugene gets FK on the board before right before halftime, but Jake and RG1 take advantage of an FK shift change snafu to push it to OT.  This one goes to a shootout with Ariel dazzling the crowd and Burke with his yoyo-esque handles and easily gets the W, 2-1.

Rehabs at Cobra Kai

By Angelika Houston

Rehabs vs. Cobra Kai is one of those games that you love to watch purely for the Kardashian level entertainment value, and we all know, in BTSH, we go for the hockey, stay for the beer, and live for the DRAMA! These are just two of the teams that make one stop, think, and ponder, “Have you ever wondered if there was more to life, other than being really, really, ridiculously competitive about BTSH?” I’d say yeah, probably, you’re only playing for a couple of PBR cans taped together, but since I’ve never won anything, my opinion means nothing .

Although nobody actually watches this game for the hockey, but OH THE SKILL THESE TEAMS POSESS! It is Herculean. It’s Athenean. It’s so inspiring. So much that the Hallmark Channel is making a movie about it. There are quite a few men on both teams who are notable: The Provider for calf muscles, Liam for his height, Surfer Dude for his ill head lettuce, Dani Rylan’s boyfriend for his sweet headband, Alex May and Hot Kyle for their chiseled jaw lines, Brian for his box of premium meats, BUT, I think the people who will actually determine the outcome of this game are the women. Rehabs have an absolute force of XX chromosomes. Cherie has such a clapper, she was the sole inspiration for the clap-on, clap-off lights. Sena and Carlin’s intuitiveness on the court is electric. Michelle would probably beat half the men in this league in a footrace and has an next level ability to force a turn over. Mo, aside from having the cutest puppy, if you pass her the ball, will bury it. Kai boasts another great set of gals with LJ whose field hockey prowess has lent well to her dominance on the courts on both sides of the court and Dani Rylan’s ferocity is next level. Let’s not forget the two Rachels. Seems to me all that skill is in the ladies, try to change my mind. I. Dare. You.

As it does every year, this game will promise a few things: only the most superior refereeing from the players, multiple flare ups and tantrums, some comedy, and of course some #drama! It’s like Khloe Kardashian vs. Jordyn Woods, BTSH edition, you aren’t rooting for either team, but you also can’t stop watching. I’m giddy with anticipation.

I will leave you all with this one final thought, in a Zoolander style walk-off, who would win, Brian Hicks-Herr (that’s right, he’s hyphenating) or Sir Russelton, The Provider?

Prediction: 4 outbursts by Cobra Kai; 6 from Bryan on Rehabs. 16 stick checks, 8 high sticks, 4 high balls, and at least one goal called back on the Rehabs. Going to have to say this will be a tight one, but with the razzle dazzle of the ladies on Habs, going to say, 4-3, OT win to Rehabs.

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