Week 11 Previews: Inside the Writersâ Room
Were you ever wondering how BTSH media decided to write on a certain topic? Were you subsequently wondering why you or your team may have not been getting much BTSH media love this year?! Well, this is a story of great proportions with roots to the same underlying problems of so much of the troubles on Wall Streetâwho takes the blameâno, not peopleâbut algorithms!
It started off many years ago, prior to many of us even starting our BTSH careers. Prior to Tim being commissioner, prior to Adriano and Bob W, even. It started off so long ago, we donât even know who made the purchase. But, whoever did spend a good chunk of money trying to make writing previews the most efficient as possibleârelying solely on an acquisition of legacy IBM technologyâspent far too much for the algorithmic BTSH Brainstormer 3000.
But, before you get a sneak peak into the mechanics of it all, you must watch and listen to this video in its entirety as you read (a requirement already specified by the Brainstormer):
It was the early 2000âs, right after the dot.com bubble burst, and IBM was looking to offload its proprietary software. Unfortunately for BTSH, we bought one of their âbusiness machinesâ thinking the time value of preview writing would pay off. At that time, little did we know that IBM also loved wrestling, a future team named the Elves, and could not write about the LBS. because IBM was 1) jealous of their acronym and 2) didnât know anybody on that dream team to write into their algorithm. But, we bought the BTSH Brainstormer 3000 anyways for, well, $3,000. It turns out that this wasnât an algorithm at all, but really a $3,000 piece of shit Microsoft Excel macro, and all it did was randomly select a predetermined topic.
This week, however, the BTSH Brainstormer 3000 finally selected an uncanny and mostly unwritten about team this yearâGut Rotâso Diane Johnston, you owe me a beer.
Fresh Kills at Mega Touch
Fortunately for Mega Touch, the BTSH Brainstormer 3000 did not pick its longtime favorite of âNo Mention of Mega Touch In Previewâ. So, Mega Touch, are you going to pull off a win?!
Ben Chadwick: I think Mega Touchâs odds of winning are very slim.
John Walker: Mention something about Keogan…..
Sam Norris: Iâm trying to write the previews, but all these guys want to do is play the ukuleleâŚ
Butchers at Corlears Hookers
John Walker: If the Butchers can pull off dueling hat tricks again this week, they’ll likely win. Or if Dana goes on a tear again.
Ben Chadwick: If I can score two goals on the Hookers, then Iâm sure Jeff L. can score at least ten!
Sam Norris: Hookers supposedly beat Filthier with only 5 or 6 people, so itâll be a tough game for my loved ones!
Gouging Anklebiters at Sky Fighters
Ben Chadwick: Heyâthat rhymes!
John Walker: I predict Kucera shaves 10 seconds off his natural hat trick time this week.
Sam Norris: This might be the game of the week, if it wasnât for the fact that Ben and I are drunk and canât think of a non-sequitur game of the week elsewhere in the world. Thatâs rightâthis is the GAME OF THE WEEK!!!
Gut Rot at Rehabs
Sam Norris: Hey Ben, what are you currently playing on your ukulele right now? Iâm trying to think, but this âBeautiful Balloonâ song is killing me. What do you think about for the Gut Rot v. Rehabs game? Both Gut Rot and the Rehabs are coming off losses from last week, so this should be one of the games of the week (but not thee game of the week as mentioned above!).
Ben Chadwick: Would you like to ride in my beautiful balloon?! I think, I think, I donât know how this game is going to turn out, but Iâll be watching something else.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_ii_WugJEJg
John Walker: AwesomeâThe 5th Dimension! No, no, not an exclamation point! No, no semicolon either! Sam, just put in a period!
Dark Rainbows at Tompkins Square Riots
John Walker: Rainbows/Riots……Rainbows/Riots……let me think about this one real quick. Underrated goalies -Dave and that new goalie dude from the Rainbows both donât get enough cred. I predict a goalie battle here.
That goalie dude from the Rainbows used to play out with his old school Mylec goalie mask, Sam did you ever see him do that â it was fucking awesome.
Sam Norris: His name is Kevin Longwell! His name is Kevin Longwell! His name is Kevin Longwell! — Side noteâI was intimidated by that goalie mask wearing player.
Ben Chadwick: Dark Rainbows at Tompkins Square Riots?! That would have been a good NY Post headline in 1990.
What The Puck at Filthier
Ben Chadwick: Where the fuck is Wallace?!
Sam Norris: Where the hell is that quote from? What does that mean, Ben?
Ben Chadwick: Itâs from The Wire.
John Walker: Iâve never seen The Wire.
Denim Demons at Mathematics
John Walker: I havenât seen Coach in weeks.
Ben Chadwick: Demons and Math, huh⌠Where the fuck is Wallace?!
Sam Norris: Damn, Math! Weâve got half our team OOO and Rox is injuredâfuck!!! Well, it should still be a good game. Lee, Paul, Nick, & Nathan: loser pays bar tab at our next Fishmarket trip.
Poutine Machine at Cobra Kai
Ben Chadwick: These are two things I donât want to eat.
John Walker: No, seriously, where the fuck is Coach?
Sam Norris: Will Poutine notch a win against a highly underrated team?! Will Altman intimidate Poutine with funny and weird Mexican wrestling masks?! I donât know, but this will be a fun and good game!
Instant Karma at LBS, Inc.
Ben Chadwick: Yo, where the fuck is Wallace?! No, shit, this is my teamâIâm going to say something better than that! We donât have to have a literal transcript: stop typing everything I say! I think Karma is going to win.
John Walker: I hope Karma needs subs tomorrow because I want to play 2 games. Oh, shit, weâre playing at the same timeâŚ
Sam Norris: Poundsâtheyâre pretty good this year. Karmaâtheyâre also pretty good this year. Where the fuck is Ryann Geldner?!
Happy Little Elves at Gremlins
Since this is the last preview, we reran the BTSH Brainstormer 3000âand you wonât believe what it had to say!
The Brainstormer predicted rain fearsâdespite the other court playing, this game is going to be rained out!