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Week 11 Previews: Inside the Writers’ Room

Were you ever wondering how BTSH media decided to write on a certain topic? Were you subsequently wondering why you or your team may have not been getting much BTSH media love this year?! Well, this is a story of great proportions with roots to the same underlying problems of so much of the troubles on Wall Street—who takes the blame—no, not people—but algorithms!

It started off many years ago, prior to many of us even starting our BTSH careers. Prior to Tim being commissioner, prior to Adriano and Bob W, even. It started off so long ago, we don’t even know who made the purchase. But, whoever did spend a good chunk of money trying to make writing previews the most efficient as possible—relying solely on an acquisition of legacy IBM technology—spent far too much for the algorithmic BTSH Brainstormer 3000.

BTSH Brainstormer 3000
But, before you get a sneak peak into the mechanics of it all, you must watch and listen to this video in its entirety as you read (a requirement already specified by the Brainstormer):

It was the early 2000’s, right after the dot.com bubble burst, and IBM was looking to offload its proprietary software. Unfortunately for BTSH, we bought one of their “business machines” thinking the time value of preview writing would pay off. At that time, little did we know that IBM also loved wrestling, a future team named the Elves, and could not write about the LBS. because IBM was 1) jealous of their acronym and 2) didn’t know anybody on that dream team to write into their algorithm. But, we bought the BTSH Brainstormer 3000 anyways for, well, $3,000. It turns out that this wasn’t an algorithm at all, but really a $3,000 piece of shit Microsoft Excel macro, and all it did was randomly select a predetermined topic.

BTSH Brainstormer Blackbox
This week, however, the BTSH Brainstormer 3000 finally selected an uncanny and mostly unwritten about team this year—Gut Rot—so Diane Johnston, you owe me a beer.

Fresh Kills at Mega Touch
Fortunately for Mega Touch, the BTSH Brainstormer 3000 did not pick its longtime favorite of “No Mention of Mega Touch In Preview”. So, Mega Touch, are you going to pull off a win?!

Ben Chadwick: I think Mega Touch’s odds of winning are very slim.
John Walker: Mention something about Keogan…..
Sam Norris: I’m trying to write the previews, but all these guys want to do is play the ukulele…

Butchers at Corlears Hookers
John Walker: If the Butchers can pull off dueling hat tricks again this week, they’ll likely win. Or if Dana goes on a tear again.
Ben Chadwick: If I can score two goals on the Hookers, then I’m sure Jeff L. can score at least ten!
Sam Norris: Hookers supposedly beat Filthier with only 5 or 6 people, so it’ll be a tough game for my loved ones!

Gouging Anklebiters at Sky Fighters

Ben Chadwick: Hey—that rhymes!
John Walker: I predict Kucera shaves 10 seconds off his natural hat trick time this week.
Sam Norris: This might be the game of the week, if it wasn’t for the fact that Ben and I are drunk and can’t think of a non-sequitur game of the week elsewhere in the world. That’s right—this is the GAME OF THE WEEK!!!

Gut Rot at Rehabs

Sam Norris: Hey Ben, what are you currently playing on your ukulele right now? I’m trying to think, but this ‘Beautiful Balloon’ song is killing me. What do you think about for the Gut Rot v. Rehabs game? Both Gut Rot and the Rehabs are coming off losses from last week, so this should be one of the games of the week (but not thee game of the week as mentioned above!).
Ben Chadwick: Would you like to ride in my beautiful balloon?! I think, I think, I don’t know how this game is going to turn out, but I’ll be watching something else.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_ii_WugJEJg

John Walker: Awesome—The 5th Dimension! No, no, not an exclamation point! No, no semicolon either! Sam, just put in a period!

Dark Rainbows at Tompkins Square Riots

John Walker: Rainbows/Riots……Rainbows/Riots……let me think about this one real quick. Underrated goalies -Dave and that new goalie dude from the Rainbows both don’t get enough cred. I predict a goalie battle here.
That goalie dude from the Rainbows used to play out with his old school Mylec goalie mask, Sam did you ever see him do that — it was fucking awesome.
Sam Norris: His name is Kevin Longwell! His name is Kevin Longwell! His name is Kevin Longwell! — Side note—I was intimidated by that goalie mask wearing player.

Ben Chadwick: Dark Rainbows at Tompkins Square Riots?! That would have been a good NY Post headline in 1990.

What The Puck at Filthier
Ben Chadwick: Where the fuck is Wallace?!
Sam Norris: Where the hell is that quote from? What does that mean, Ben?
Ben Chadwick: It’s from The Wire.
John Walker: I’ve never seen The Wire.

Denim Demons at Mathematics

John Walker: I haven’t seen Coach in weeks.
Ben Chadwick: Demons and Math, huh… Where the fuck is Wallace?!
Sam Norris: Damn, Math! We’ve got half our team OOO and Rox is injured—fuck!!! Well, it should still be a good game. Lee, Paul, Nick, & Nathan: loser pays bar tab at our next Fishmarket trip.

Poutine Machine at Cobra Kai
Ben Chadwick: These are two things I don’t want to eat.
John Walker: No, seriously, where the fuck is Coach?
Sam Norris: Will Poutine notch a win against a highly underrated team?! Will Altman intimidate Poutine with funny and weird Mexican wrestling masks?! I don’t know, but this will be a fun and good game!

Instant Karma at LBS, Inc.
Ben Chadwick: Yo, where the fuck is Wallace?! No, shit, this is my team—I’m going to say something better than that! We don’t have to have a literal transcript: stop typing everything I say! I think Karma is going to win.
John Walker: I hope Karma needs subs tomorrow because I want to play 2 games. Oh, shit, we’re playing at the same time…
Sam Norris: Pounds—they’re pretty good this year. Karma—they’re also pretty good this year. Where the fuck is Ryann Geldner?!

Happy Little Elves at Gremlins
Since this is the last preview, we reran the BTSH Brainstormer 3000—and you won’t believe what it had to say!

BTSH Brainstormer 3000 V2
The Brainstormer predicted rain fears—despite the other court playing, this game is going to be rained out!

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