Way Too Many Elves

After three years of utter failure and disappointment, captain Rich Glanzer achieved his boyhood dream when the Happy Little Elves finally captured their first prestigious (yet imaginary) Fairy Tale Cup last Sunday.  The Cup, which is awarded annually to the winner of the triangular series among the Elves, Dark Rainbows, and Unicorns, was presented to Glanzer, co-captain Ben Chadwick, and guest captain Eli “The Calculator” Kazin following the Elves’ 5-3 win over the Rainbows.  The team also defeated the Unicorns 4-3 in a shootout two weeks ago to open the 2011 series.

This prestigious (yet imaginary) trophy completes an unprecedented triple crown for the Happy Little Elves, who now possess the Fairy Tale Cup, the Barnacle Bowl, and less importantly, the BTSH championship.  Captain Glanzer boasts, “The Elves are the Secretariat of BTSH.  No one can catch us.  I’ve dreamed about this day for 15 years.  I’m especially proud of the Barnacle Bowl!”

Elves forward Ryan Nakahara was named the MVP of the 2011 Fairy Tale Cup series for his outstanding play in both of his team’s victories.  He had a shootout goal against the Unicorns and scored both the tying and winning goals against the Dark Rainbows.  This performance continues a trend of big game heroics for the Elves’ brunette sophomore.  Nakahara also had two goals in the 2010 BTSH championship game.

However, Ryan’s flaxen-haired teammate–and all around good guy–Trevor “T-Beau” Beauclair is not concerned with the imaginary Cup.  He explains, “I don’t care about this fairy tale crap that Glanzer promotes. A win is satisfying enough for me regardless of the rivalry. Rich can create all the fake trophies he wants to keep himself interested but it’s the game between the lines that excites me.”  Despite these views, Beauclair was happy to join his teammates for a post-game celebration at Ace Bar, where cold beer was served directly out of the (imaginary) Cup.

Due to Kazin’s role as a guest captain in helping the Elves secure this elusive honor, the media have claimed the imaginary Cup as their own possession.  For the next year, it will reside at the media’s home offices in the Upper East Side of Manhattan alongside their awards for the investigative report on the Gouging Anklebiters’ hazing violations, the Matt Workman edition of the Know Your Neighbor series, the first Tuques Hockey commercial, and several others for general journalistic integrity.

Three Stars of the Week

Third Star: Courtney, Unicorns.  Coco excelled off the court this week, namely in the back of Ace Bar on the skeeball machine.  She scored a 410 in an intense team matchup against the Corlears Hookers to lead her team of Unicorns and Derek Tagliarino to victory.  This is the highest skeeball score ever recorded in the presence of the media.
Second Star: Brendan “Dutch” Kearney, Corlears Hookers. Dutch Fever is back!  Sort of.  Kearney tallied a hat trick in the Corlears Hookers’ 6-2 win against LBS, Inc.  However, this will be his last game for a while, as he is getting married before games resume in July.
First Star: Suvin “The Guru” Malik, Filthy Gorgeous.  The Guru recorded five points in Filthy Gorgeous’ 6-4 win over Mega Touch.  He scored four goals to bring his season total to 10 and assisted on linemate “Gentleman” James Pereira’s goal as well.  Filthy is now on a five-game winning streak.

Shaun deLacy GAA Watch

This year, due to a series of stupid bets made by Happy Little Elves goalie Shaun deLacy, the media will track his goals against average over the course of the regular season.

Goals Allowed This Week: 3 (vs. Dark Rainbows)
Goals Allowed Previously: 23
Goals Allowed This Season: 26
Games Played: 9
Goals Against Average: 2.89
Next Opponent: Filthy Gorgeous (2.5 goals per game)

Shaun’s goals against average remained relatively stable, as it only rose by one one-hundredth this week.  He allowed three goals to the Dark Rainbows in the Elves’ Fairy Tale Cup win.  In his next game, he will face a resurgent Filthy Gorgeous squad, which has won its last five games.  Although Filthy has averaged a mediocre 2.5 goals per game this season, the team has scored 20 goals during its winning streak.

Stupid Bets

In order to determine who is a better “Skee*T*Ball” player, Happy Little Elves captains “The Chairman” Ben Chadwick and Rich Glanzer engaged in a heated game of Trivial Pursuit on Sunday.  Each player answered the same 32 questions from the categories of history and sports & leisure from the 1981 GENUS I edition.  Whoever answered the fewest questions correctly would pay for a competitive round of “Skee*T*Ball,” a beer for the winner, any cost in purchasing the Trivial Pursuit cards (up to $10), and get captaincy of the Elves.  The extremely likeable and handsome Trevor “T-Beau” Beauclair also answered the questions, but was not part of the bet.  In the end, Chadwick defeated Glanzer by a score of 13-11, making Glanzer the undisputed captain of the Elves, much to his lament.

Obituaries?

Written by bar correspondent Abby “Tayne” Meisterman

Former Black Top Street Hockey league bar and home to the “Johnson’s Olympics,” Welcome to the Johnson’s, suffered a stroke on June 17. Originally, the cause of the stroke was attributed to the bar choking on its own tongue-in-cheekiness. However, the LES-ordered not-dead-yet autopsy discovered that the establishment served one too many U-21 BTSH and NYSSC kickball players and their fans. Attempts to revive the beloved drinking hole continue as the LES struggles to find a heartbeat. Should the bar fail to make a complete recovery, it will be survived by ex-bartender Brent Smith, Craig LaCombe’s plaid jacket, a misshapen cupcake, and several unidentified stains and odors.