Filthy Gorgeous at Fresh Kills,
1:00 pm, Tompkins Square West

It’s a bittersweet end to the first part of the season for the Filthys. For the first time in years, Dan Owens won’t be their regular goalie. So expect Monica “Front Office” Russo to be working the phones all through the summer break. Will she call up an untried rookie from some farm league? Or will she work backchannels to snare a keeper from another BTSH team? With no rights protection in the BTSH contracts anyone is fair game. Will she offer Craig LaCombe the dedicated club venue he’s always wanted (don’t be fooled Craig, that’s just James Periera’s apartment)? Will she swallow her pride and give James “Ramm” Stein the veto power over the roster that he requested when he was FG goalie years ago? Or will she start a Kickstarter campaign to get Suvin Malik Lasik surgery and the opportunity to step between the pipes? So many questions.

Meanwhile, FK Captain Dave Sokol has no worries. His Blue Bombers are operating like a finely tuned machine and he’s planning to kick back at his dacha with a hand-picked crew of Kills insiders. Even Vladmir Putin’s request to hide NSA leaker Edward Snowden in the basement isn’t going to spoil Dave’s holiday (although a surprise appearance by Nick Hobbs may bring down the mood somewhat). All in all, the Kills are poised for a great regular streak and a playoff collapse worthy of Patrick Barch’s heroes, the Pittsburgh Penguins.

Unfortunately for FG the playoffs are still quite a ways away. Look for a 6-2 pounding courtesy of Staten island’s finest.

Tompkins Square Riots at Dark Rainbows
2:00 pm, Tompkins Square West

Fresh off their first win of the season, most of the Riots are looking forward to getting one more game in and then recharging for the second half. Alas, it’s not to be. Team Captain Amy Jones has put together a rigorous schedule of community activism that will see the Riots permanently encamped at Tompkins Square for the next 21 days. She’s calling it “Occupy Glanzer” (which seems a little unfair to the actual BTSH commissioner Tim Brown) and if things go well, it will change the face of the league. Goalie equipment will only be made out of recycled material, Scott Townsend will be forced to put the entire league on his health insurance and the BTSH championships will be replaced by free elections (where we all get to vote on who should really win). With Laura MacNeil working as her Campaign Manager, don’t be surprised if you come back to a radically different street hockey league.

The Rainbows have been up and down this season but one thing has remained constant. No igloo for the Rainbows babies. We’re not sure why but we’re hoping that Sean takes advantage of the break to lead a team expedition to IKEA. If he works it right, they’ll have enough numbers to take over the entire bus to Red Hook (the Rainbows don’t use private transportation). Using the full storage capacity of their free transport, the Rainbows will finally be able to purchase the geodisic dome Sean has always wanted, allowing the return of Violet and all the other supporters who made the Rainbows great. 

But before all that happens these two have to play a hockey game. We’re predicting that in the spirit of worker’s brotherhood and free love, the teams will agree to split the victory. Look for a predetermined 3-3 tie and the most respectful game in BTSH so far this year.

Mega Touch at Poutine Machine
3:00 pm, Tompkins Square West

MegaTouch are already looking past this game to the trip to Hershey Park that Julie Katz promised at the start of the season. And that would be a problem if they were playing anyone but Poutine Machine.

Call it karma. Call it bad luck. But the French Fry fiends can’t buy a win this year. Like the 2013 Philadelphia Flyers they looked good on paper but nothing has worked for this squad.

If Poutine don’t come away with at least a tie in this one Patrick Larsen will have some hard decisions to make. Look for him to make a compliance buyout of his own contract and free agent acquisition Jerome Ramos to be sent back to the Elves. Perhaps he’ll even send goalie Tim Brown to Filthy Gorgeous for some high draft picks. It could be a busy offseason for the bleu et blanc. Does anyone know if Mark Messier is still looking for a coaching job?

Sky Fighters at Corlears Hookers
4:30 pm, Tompkins Square West

This would probably be a closer game if Martin “Czechca” and his countrymen hadn’t started summer vacation early. The Czechmates all took off for Prague yesterday to drink ridiculously cheap beer and teach a few hockey camps, leaving Dan Hopper’s ranks depleted. Meanwhile, the Hookers have shown a new commitment to attendance and fielding full squads for summer games. Whether this is due to Peter Putka’s promise that he would take them all to the Just for Laughs festival or the fact that Dustin removed the June, July and August pages from all of Danilo Biagioni’s datebooks, it’s working for them.

Expect the Hookers to continue to roll in a 4-1 victory. Just no one tell Danilo about Gcal, ok?

Mathematics at Gouging Anklebiters
5:30 pm, Tompkins Square East
by Bill “Recruiting for SXSW” Tucker

Summer.  Theme parks, beaches and the name of my sister’s dog.  When not sweltering in the Tompkins Square heat, the lads and lassies of BTSH scatter to the wind.  So how do the Gouging Anklebiters spend their summer vacation?  Music camp.  Being the resident rock stars of the league, what better way to spend a week than a boozy seven days banging away on guitars and drums.  Picture it.  Joe P on guitar, Phil Donahue singing into a half empty High Life bottle and Caroline taking out her trademark aggression on the skins.  Even the team’s name would look good on an album cover or tattooed on an adoring fans lower back.  Rock on, Blue and Gold.  Rock on.

Math, however, would spend their vacation in a more subdued manner.  Road trip to Andy Pratt’s new digs in San Francisco.  On the way, Derek will stop by the Hockey Hall of Fame, Amy Anderla will demand a tour of Wisconsin’s finest breweries and the Norris clan will continue to plan BTSH domination by recruiting fellow namesakes in every small town from Sheboygan to Kalamazoo.  Naturally, this fragmented itinerary will only leave enough time for drinks at Andy’s pad, sourdough bread in Ghirardelli Square and a team photo by the Golden Gate Bridge.  The Mathletes.  A true family through and through.

Dr. Hunter S. Tompkins Official Prediction:  Apollo’s heat pours down from the Lower East Side sky like lines and tracers after a potent acid trip.  The balanced play of the Biters at one end, the dynamic offense of Enigmatic Equations on the other.  When the dank and sweat clears from the court, Math will have played a tough game but the Anklebiters will remain the moist, stinky victors.  Score?  4 – 3.