Tompkins Square Riots at Dark Rainbows
by Izzy

One of these two teams will walk away Sunday with their second win of the season and 2 precious points.  Let’s take a look at the key player to watch from each team.

Dark Rainbows Player to Watch: there are a couple emerging players on this squad that are ready for their breakout game, but the Rainbow that is feeling it right now is Bryan L.  Not only is he the team’s leading scorer and fresh off of his All-Star Game coming out party, but he’s from Philly. And it has been well documented that people from the City of Brotherly Love play dirty. (Just ask Jess about that race.)

BREAKING: Philly truly is dirty (not breaking) – and now unreliable.  Like Cat did earlier in the season, Brian is abandoning his team this Sunday for his own personal (selfish) best life.  The search for Rainbow loyalty continues…

TS Riots Player to Watch: aside from Christina R’s team leading 2 goals it is what she does without the ball that makes her so valuable to these rioters.  A hard-working player, she excels at breaking down opposition plays due to her positional sense, defensive attributes, technical skills and accurate passing ability.  She simply elevates the level of play of whoever is out on the rink with her.

Prediction: the Riots have been licking their chops at the opportunity to redeem themselves, but they’ll have to wait until next year (or the playoffs) for revenge as the Rainbows win again!

Gouging Anklebiters at Corlears Hookers
by RichieHero

“Hey Cro, the Biters blew a 3-1 lead.” – Hicks (soon to be Pharrouex)

Last year, Probie was all set to eliminate his nemesis Cro…leading 3-1 in the playoffs when the shit hit the fan. Joe P. got injured (I’m just guessing), Caroline had a drink (another guess), and Craig was hanging out with $h0wT!m3 getting his retirement on, while #MyCommissionr Tim B. was left out to dry as the Hookers tied the game. When Cro scored in OT, it was the worst thing that happened to Probie since he bet me $2 that the Yankees would beat the Mets two Sunday nights ago. (They didn’t and you owe me $2!…and Jenn Poppack you owe me $4. Pay me the money and I’ll spell your last name right.)

But that was 2017 (not the Mets part) and a lot has changed. The Hookers despite having more talent than last year, aren’t showing it on the court. Meanwhile the Biters are not at all surprisingly one of the best teams in BTSH.

Prediction: The Cro/Probie rivalry is perhaps the best rivalry in all of BTSH. Cro better do everything he can not to match up in the playoffs, bc the Biters are better. 5-2 victory for them.

Artist rendition of Alex Ovechkin reporting to training camp after a summer of celebrating.

Gremlins at What the Puck
by Jerome

As these two teams sit next to each other on the friggin’ spectrum (remember ROYGBIV?), we’re totally expecting a kit crime to take place. I’ve never known the Gremmies to have a change shirt and Pucks have the home slot, so they can stick with orange. It might be all right, though at the end of the game, spectators will probably run across the street to pick up a bag of Reese’s pieces to strangely satisfy their hunger. I digress… we have a clash between two Hornswoggle conference squads with two different expectations, I’m sure, of what will be by the end of the season.

Gremmies have a four-game win streak with Erich consistently being the finisher for them (13 goals). In the opposite end of the court, Jamie has stacked up a robust six wins with a shutout. Also, filling in the court is Walker’s consistent defense—especially with the hot dog/sandwich conflict. Nonetheless, there is depth with Rockoff and Iannis, and Marcella and Maire as additions who have goal contributions. Their only losses to Poutine, Cobra Kai, and Filthier will tell you about the compete level; this crew might be the dark horse for the postseason if they play their cards right in this season’s back nine.

Pucks have been following my itinerary: a win-loss, candy cane pattern that looks nice on my Excel spreadsheet. Definitely not nice for Oranje because their schedule has had hills and valleys in their last 7 (with losses against very strong teams), but all Miyagi needs to do is tell his comrades to stay tight on Erich—maybe implement a box formation +1 with the extra man covering him—and they’ll basically take away what’s been half the Gremmies’ scoring production. Paul P. and Mike D. will have to make a “Bash Brothers” sandwich (with Walker fuming in the middle) and Susie and/or Marisa picking up the garbage after a sprawling Jamie. I think the surprise here is Hoggystyle who, although has only a pair of goals to his name, can certainly contribute by being more of a north-south player. With the Caps finally having raised the most important silverware ever, you can bet each fan on the Pucks will still be feeling that high that will rightfully carry over into their match.

Prediction: Strong showing by Pucks, who will employ the gegenpresse at the outset. Noah will be trequartista covering a lot of the court but he’ll be matched by Gremmies’ veteran Mark M. in that regard. Scotty has had a rough first half of 2018, but this might be the game where he’ll clearly show his triumph. As I wrote before, Zac will utilize more of his north-south game, and that will end up a little more than Erich’s production for the day (and accordingly, breaking my candy cane pattern in the spreadsheet). Pucks 3-2.

Fresh Kills at Rehabs
by Beau Ted, Rehabs Beat Reporter

2017’s top league contenders face off for the duel of all duels. Kills took the win in last year’s championship, but Rehabs cut some oldies from their bench and put FK back in their place on opening week 2018. Rehabs are coming in hot after a big win two weeks ago and word is they’ll be looking for blood. Meanwhile, Fresh Kills took an extra week off to play in the rain before Father’s Day, so let’s hope Ariel and the other dads can shake off their rust and give Rehabs a run for their money.

Spectators will be wondering:
When is $h0wT!ME un-retiring again?
Will Barch and his gang force another D4 team to pay their tab?
Who will be the next kicked off the Rehabs if they lose this one?
Why don’t these guys just play Mofo?

Only one place to find out folks.

Prediction: Rehabs win 4-2. No one on the court cheers.

*BONUS PREVIEW*
Fresh Kills at Rehabs
by The Masked Elf

“Time to put FK on notice.” – Hicks

These were the words of our current Pharouex in his since deleted Instagram picture, when he made “The (wrong) Decision” to leave Fuzz and join the Rehabs.

While critics said, “Hicks you stupid idiot, don’t you think Fresh Kills is already “on notice,” considering their 2017 finals match-up was the greatest match-up in finals history?” Other critics said, “Hicks you stupid idiot, the Rehabs were in the finals 3 straight times! Fresh Kills is already on notice.” Yet another critic said, “Fuzzzzzz!!!!”

If the regular season matters, and occasionally it does, this is a huge game. If the Rehabs win they keep pace with all the teams with 16 points, and bury any chance Fresh Kills have of climbing into the top of the standings. Meanwhile if Fresh Kills win, it doesn’t bury any chance they have of climbing into the top of the standings.

The Rehabs will have Cherie and Michelle there. I know this because I asked Cherie who they will have there. She said, “How the hell should I know Glnzr, stop sliding into my DM’s you creep or Michelle and I will beat your ass at the rink this Sunday.” My decade long job working for the cops tells me that means they both will be there. Hero.

Over on the Fresh Kills part of town, Ariel, a member of the 2017 World Champion Fr…Cecil(e) and Harambe…says it’s time to get down to business. They want to prove they can win without Tom and Frank. They want this game badly, and prove all the people wrong who said they are #5 or lower in the power rankings. (I had you at #2 guys…Richie Hero still respects you.)

Prediction: I’m so bummed I am missing this game. I truly think Fresh Kills will not have the manpower to compete like they normally do, so I’m going to go 3-2 instead of 4-1 FK.

LBS, Inc. at Butchers
by Christo the Red-Tailed Hawk

Regular columnist.

Caw! We’re back with more Hawk Talk! So, I wanted to screech at ya more often. I planned to be as regular as Paul Lynde on the Hollywood Squares. But that was before Amelia got all up in my gastric mill, harping “ya gotta feed the babies” and turned my nest into Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf?What the hell do you mean, “who’s Amelia?” What, the New York Post is too lowbrow for ya? Can’t handle all the hacky bird puns? Yeah, so now I’ve got three wives, nine kids, and a dozen grade-A eggs. So that’s a lot of beaks I gotta puke my guts into. I’m hunting 24/7, and that’s why you don’t see too many squirrels running around Tompkins anymore.

Or… guuuuuys… Maybe it’s because of the rain? Segue alert! Yeah, last game day the Butchers—the former Mighty Squirrels—shoved their bushy tails up their cloacas and dove headfirst into their dens because of a cloud.

See, there’s nothing I like more than to kick back in the nest, mid-afternoon on a Sunday, sippin’ on 40 milliliters of O.E., noshin’ on a pigeon head, and monitorin’ some street hockey. That’s why I get so P.O.’d when a team blows off their game for Rain Fears, which is exactly what the Butchers and Fresh Kills did a couple weeks ago. So I had to watch a long, lousy scrimmage instead, where nothing happened ‘til stoppage time, when that two-legged freak Chadwick finally got a goal because Walker hung Jamie out to dry… and it was good weather for drying out a goalie… because it wasn’t raining!!!! Now, to be fair to the Butchers and Fresh Kills, it did actually rain… about two hours after their game slot.

Well I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: when it rains, I get wet. So fuck you. And that goes double for Fresh Kills: double-fuck you! They don’t even want to play hockey, they just show up on sunny days and casually win championships every time they change their underwear, i.e. every three years. Even World Cup soccer teams play in the rain, and those are guys who call an ambulance when they chip a fingernail. So what does that say about y’all? As for the Butchers, they claim they didn’t poach anyone in the off-season. I’m not saying they did or they didn’t, just that they better stay the hell away from my eggs.

I can’t remember if this was the World Cup or just a typical Denim Demons game, but either way, at least they showed up!

And last weekend while you were chowing chicken and wattles, I mean waffles, with your pops in the ‘burbs, I spent my Father’s Day scourin’ carrion so I could chunder down my lousy kids’ gizzards all day, those nidicolous altricial cheepin’ little ingrate bastards. So I’m overdue for a little Christo Time this Sunday. I don’t want to find out your upstairs neighbor was vacuuming the carpet and you pussed out for Tornado Fears.

So here’s my prediction: LBS is going to win, 6-1. Ali C. with the double hatty, with a shutout-beater from an unmarked Georgine. So there’s your preview. It’s time for me to make like Brooks Orpik and get the puck outta here. Time for me to shake a tailfeather. Time for me to Netflix and quill. I gotta go see a man about a rat. You’ve been great. Christo out. Caw!

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