Mega Touch at Gut Rot

written by LiMu Emu (and Doug)

Another matchup of two teams we love to love.

Rot are coming off their first win of the season, and boy was it triumphant. Meanwhile, Mega are neck-and-neck with the Demons for the top of the 4th division. 

But, eh, whatevs, “hockey, hockey, hockey”. Let’s instead talk about how these two teams are two of the only teams left in the league who take on new players who have zero hockey experience and are just cool or friends of teammates. (Wait, do Mega still do this? Hmm, I guess it’s debatable. But, for the sake of this preview, let’s say they still do it.)

Ok, there. We talked about that. (We love you guys for it.) What else can we talk about? Diane got new sunglasses. I really like them, but she is unsure about them. You should all give her your opinion on them when you see her, because I am sure she wants to talk about this. Also, on Sunday Alok scored (what I think was) his first goal since he and Scoops had a baby. Congrats! (On the baby, not the goal…dummy). I saw the celebration but sadly just barely missed the actual goal. Don’t tell him I missed the goal. 

Did Gut Rot get their first win of the season because Jamie Crosby was in attendance (?!!).  Well, maybe. Probably. Almost certainly yes. 

Where Morgen been at? I have barely seen her. Actually, I believe she was there on Sunday, for the big win. I remember seeing her huge straw hat from afar. 

Also, I believe Tuckman has not had a loss since he got those vintage street hockey sneakers off ebay. Coincidence? Methinks not.

Prediction: Goal scoring machine Akhil scores again, but it isn’t enough as Julie and Co. edge out Rot, 2-1.

LBS, Inc. (7-1) at Rehabs (6-2)

Tompkins West, 1300 (1:00pm)

By Hornswoggle

Another premier division rival this week ensues in the matinee hours, and perhaps any spectator for this match should expect a barnburner, to say the least. Los blancos succumbed to their first loss to Ariel and FK, and the rossoneri—sans Chérie and Sena—eked a win over division foes Filthier. It’s safe to say that both squads are looking for more, especially LBS, Inc. whose personnel are eager to bounce back and not make last week’s effects the beginning of a downward trend.

The visitors have Sizzler between the sticks, and as much as opponents can psychologically gain something from seeing his diminutive size (even with pads) on the court, they will likely be proved wrong after puck drop. [Ladies will probably insert some kind of innuendo in that last sentence so I’ll leave it there.] Stats show that he boasts a sub-2.00 GAA in a division where all squads except one (guess!) have scored more than 20 goals through W8. Sizzler’s supporting cast has been exceptional: solid attendance rates—which may or may not hold up during beach season—and evenly-kept scoring distribution patterns have allowed them to be dubbed as very consistent in 2019. Liz and Hilary (Larry) are both reliable and regularly contribute to LBS’ success week in, week out.

The hosts continuously show resilience for every 50-minute bout (and then some, if necessary) on the asphalt. Also doesn’t hurt that Eric still has some of those reflexes that he had 10 years ago when he played for my Lasker ice hockey team, the American Trash—ah, the good old days. Nonetheless, pulling off a win without two of your best outfield players is a feat that deserves much praise; when those usually under the spotlight aren’t there, who steps up? Like LBS, Inc., the Rehabs also boast a very good roster, that of which each member could positively change directions of the teams they land in if they all went their separate ways. Co-commissioner Sir Hicks-a-lot (who probably considers lifting as a proper answer to “What is life?”) is quite adept at poaching goals; Ramy (given his Michigan background and idolizing the likes of Chelios, Konstantinov, and Federov) has shown brilliant hands and is known to deftly escape precarious situations.

Prediction: I wrote earlier that people may expect a high-scoring game. I might as well deny it, knowing the two netminders exhibited here always take their game to the next level when the stakes are division pride. Perhaps Chérie—who bagged yet another ship with the national ball hockey team—returns on a high and scores the winner for her team; or perhaps the LBS’ skipper Alex takes matters into his own hands and provides the perfect seeing-eye blast from the point that allows a new win streak to begin. I can see these two teams going through a multi-round shootout with Eric and the rossoneri taking the extra point.

Sky Fighters at Instant Karma

Written by Jess(ica) and JW

JW: Hey let’s do the Sky Fighters/Karma preview, did you see my email yet? 
Poor Isaac. No one volunteered to do this preview (nor several others). I told him we’d do it as a gchat conversation. 
Also this is part of the preview already, so don’t say anything you don’t want printed on the site

Jessica: god dammit
okay lets go

JW: Haha. Perfect.
So, I played the Fighters last week. The have some good new players who I don’t know. They just need to start gelling together as a team.
Also Stein is injured, unfortunately. : (

Jessica: ~ pretends to know who stein is ~
that sucks
also its time for people to stop making the ‘whos even on the sky fighters ‘ joke

JW: (I was already thinking “She probably doesn’t even know who Stein is”.)

Jessica: they seem formidable

JW: Yeah, they are formidable. 
Also, I agree –  it isn’t their fault no one knows them…..they’ve had turnover issues multiple years in a row.

Jessica: yeah thanks a lot POUTINE
i mean yeah high turnover
any rookies to note?

JW: Yes a couple, but….I don’t know their names. There was a dude in a blue helmet who was good. And then another dude who looks pretty much like every other white guy in New York. Seriously he had no distinguishing features I can even mention. Also they have a girl I met at the free agent scrim who is good, and nice. I can’t remember her name though.

Jessica: ha youre getting old, you cant remember names 
maybe you can introduce yourself to them after the game. lets move on to karma 
real q for karma: will isaac play forward

JW: Sorry, had to step away from my desk. I’m back. 
I was just about to say let’s talk about Karma now….but you beat me to it while I was away from my desk.

Jessica: kids typically say ‘brb’ instead of a long winded sentence

JW: Karma have been hot and cold this season….they’re 4-4, I see. 

Jessica: i nice clean .500 !
*a

JW: I thought ‘brb’ was oudated now? No?

Jessica: stay on topic pls

JW: People used to say ‘brb’ on AOL Instant Messenger, before you were born. 
Ok, ok…..Karma.

Jessica: yeah everyone always touts derek and the trembles for being awesome (because they all are) but i’d like to see some other people step up

JW: I heard Steven will be back in net, from injury. That’s good news for Karma. But I don’t know if it’s true. I almost never fact check anything I put in the previews. None of us do. 
The Vernoias are also awesome but I haven’t seen them that much this season.
Karma are very good defensively. If they can score more, they’ll be in good shape.

Jessica: cut it print it done 
oh yeah whats the score prediction

JW: (You probably also don’t know who the Vernoias are.)

Jessica: i kind of think this one is going into OT
im ignoring you

JW: I was about to say….we can’t make this too long. No one will read it.

Jessica: you don’t know HOW to keep things short 
OT with Karma getting the win 3-2

JW: I seriously don’t. I  was thinking it will be a close one, too….OT seems reasonable to me. But I def think Karma will win. 

Jessica: and im never doing a gchat preview with you again

JW: Hahaha. I can’t blame you there.

Prediction: When I was copying and pasting this I realized I had missed Jessica’s comment about whether or not Isaac will play forward (which I discussed in my last Karma preview, btw). He does play forward, and he scores a goal. But it isn’t the OT winner. That’s Derek. Y’all heard Jessica…3-2 Karma, in OT.

Butchers at Mathematics

A lot of people don’t know this but Cheeky is the real commissioner of the league while Sarah just serves as a figure head with Hicks. They are merely puppets doing Cheeky’s bidding. Cheeky is to Tony Soprano as Sarah is to Junior Soprano.  I have it on good authority that both Hicks and Sarah give 25% of their pay checks every month directly to Cheeky, and not their BTSH pay as Commissioner, I’m saying their real pay checks from their day jobs. Well why would they do that? I’ll tell you why, because you don’t fuck with Cheeky’s money. Now that’s power. So what do you think is going to happen if Sarah gets cute and tries to pinch up on offense this weekend? Cheeky will literally chop her head off with her stick and the refs won’t call it because the refs like everyone else work for her.

Drama Score: 7. I really hope they get mad at each other about something super small and the whole court goes silent just when they start yelling at each other.

Pete is finally healthy which you think would  be good for the butchers. But my guess is that will be bad. Here is why. A newly healthy Pete isn’t going to be focusing on hockey he is going to be using all this new found health to have crazy sex with his wife and so he isn’t going to have the energy to play as hard. “Okay guy but that just one player and they have played without him for a while they should just be in the same position as they were before? ” No, that’s not how it works. You see, everyone on the Butchers is going to see all the banging that Pete is doing and they are going to get all horned up and start trying to keep up, next thing you know the whole Butchers team is in the hospital suffering from dehydration and exhaustion from  too much banging. It’s a vicious cycle, and also weirdly enough explains the success and focus of the lbs, Rehabs, and Fuzz and also almost certainly explains the Cobra Kai losing streak.

Drama score: 3. It’s really not that dramatic they are all adults, if they want to have sex good for them. But also don’t like feel pressure to have start hooking up, talk with your partner(s), find out what is right for you and your team.

A lot of people are surprised by the rise of ROY candidate Jack who seems to have come out of nowhere, but his success is no surprise to me. You see I happen to know that Jack’s dad, Cameron, won the world championships for handball in 1995 while he was serving a 10 year sentence at San Quentin prison for involuntary manslaughter stemming from when a drunk man attacked him and his his wife Tricia (who was pregnant with Jack at the time) outside a bar one rainy night in Alabama.  The craziest part is that when Jack’s dad – a former Army ranger – was finally paroled, the flying prison transport that was going to take him back home was hijacked and rather than taking the easy way out, Cameron decided to beat up all the bad guys before crash landing the plane in las Vegas and reuniting with Jack and his mom. Truly an amazing story that also explains the talent level of this kid.

Drama Score: $224 Million.

Eli got the same stripper pregnant twice while in Miami for Hick’s Bachelor party last weekend. Normally I’d say you can count on Eli for like a goal a game but no way this week, he is going to be way too distracted. Like how do you even do that? So she found out she is pregnant in a day then all of a sudden she is not pregnant and then she is pregnant again but from a separate occasion? Just Incredible. I take that back Eli is on fire right now he easily pops 2 goals.

Drama Score: 5. Something tells me he does this every time Hick’s has a bachelor party and we are just hearing about it this time.

Prediction: But yeah the Butchers are playing well so I bet they win like 4-2. Drama score 239 million.

Cobra Kai at Fresh Kills

The Drama is real.

There apparently does seem to be a case of sex going around the league (see above) that is crippling teams from performing on the court.  Since the evil dojo gave up celibacy, and Campbell, they have lost Liam to a ‘lower body injury’, gone on a losing streak, and Olivier has picked up a Bill Clinton like drawl.

In a twist of fate Fresh Kills were able to shake off the sex bug right around the same time they welcomed Roxy back in the lineup.  (Hmmm….)  Plus Gabe has recovered from his gangster lean, Tom’s been stroking it from the point and Rachel ain’t got time for any team’s advances.

Prediction: A CK squad suffering from the symptoms of withdrawal nearly pull this one off, but Sheena’s abstinence fuels FK to another W, 3-1.