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Week 10 Preview

This Is An Optical Illusion.  They’re The Same Height.

GAME OF THE WEEK
LBS, Inc. (5-2-0-1) at Poutine Machine (5-2-1)
Location: Tompkins East, 3:00 PM
All-Time Series: First Meeting
Game Notes: Few circled this inter-conference matchup as a potential Game of the Week when the schedule was released in February.  LBS, Inc. logged a pedestrian 8-7-0-1 record in 2010, resulting in a demotion from the Rubens Division to the Hackett Division.  Poutine Machine, in its inaugural season, finished 16th in BTSH with a 6-9-0-1 record.  However, fortunes have changed this year, and both teams have surpassed expectations.  The Corporation, after opening the season with two losses, has responded by winning five of its last six games and sits just two points out of first place in the ultra-competitive Hackett Division.  Poutine Machine needs just one more win to equal last year’s total and maintains a comfortable lead in the MacNeil Division.  Will LBS, Inc. be that win?
Keys To The Game:
1. LBS, Inc.’s newest hire Lawrence Goldstein has been a revelation both on and off the court.  He has bolstered the Corporation’s scoring attack with five goals this season and recently impressed CEO Sascha Puritz with his PowerPoint presentation on  how the team can effectively reduce its overhead.
2. Poutine Machine owes the bulk of their success to the performance of goaltender Tim Brown.  He has recorded four shutouts on the season to lead the league, including three in the team’s last four games.  Brown is tied for second in the league with a 1.38 GAA.
3. In one of the season’s biggest upsets, Poutine Machine defeated the Denim Demons 1-0 in Week 3, proving the team can compete with the league’s elite.  Another win against a Weyersberg Conference team would establish Poutine as a viable championship contender.
Eli’s Pick: LBS, Inc.  Majority shareholder “The Alpha Male” Ken Poulin is not happy that Poutine Machine unveiled a new white alternate jersey last weekend.
Derek’s Pick: Poutine Machine.  This week, they remove all doubt that they’re for real.
Watchability: 4 Provenchers.  This scale is compensation to Jo-Ann, who did not actually lose to Arnold Sanchez in basketball.  The media assumed this based on their genders.

Fresh Kills (6-1-1) at Filthy Gorgeous (4-4)
Location: Tompkins East, 1:00 PM
All-Time Series: Filthy Gorgeous leads 5-0
Game Notes: After a less than satisfying tie against than the Sky Fighters in last Sunday’s Game of the Week, Fresh Kills will look to take out their frustrations on a resurgent Filthy Gorgeous.  Although Filthy struggled towards the beginning of the season, the team enters this game riding a three-game winning streak.
Eli’s Pick: Filthy Gorgeous.  Since his return, “Gentleman” James Pereira has four goals in two games.
Derek’s Pick: Fresh Kills.  They boast one of the deepest scoring attacks in the league.
Watchability: 4 Provenchers

Rehabs (1-6-0-1) at Sky Fighters (4-2-1-1)
Written by Hackett Division correspondent Dr. Byron Clavicle

Location: Tompkins West, 1:00 PM
All-Time Series: Sky Fighters lead 6-3
Game Notes: While a flea-brained buffoon might expect the Rehabs to be thoroughly thrashed and pegged in this historical mismatch, predicting the outcome isn’t as simple as the records suggest. You have to look at some advanced statistics of a mathematically intense variety contrapuntal to the meager, perfunctory records archived within this digitally journalistic milieu. Instead of “Fighters good, Rehabs less so,” consider the pairings — Sky Fighter Ivo Mocek’s stellar Corsi rating (3.282) versus Rehab Gary Kowalski’s GAOFF/60 (2.53) — there’s more information on fancy records here. Likewise consider the long-standing pattern of aggression between Stacy S. Kehoe and Stefan Danicich and … okay, that oughta do it. Everyone has stopped reading except us chosen ones, the People of the Golden Yak. So here’s the plan, everyone. Next Sunday, June 19, we will stop what we are doing at exactly 1:47 PM, face the sun, fasten on our Holy Velcro Sun-Spectacles, and then chant the traditional hymn to Lord Skronus. The prophecy foretells an eclipse and rivers of expired mayonnaise.  As the bony fingers of darkness spread fear across the earth, we shall feast on the spleens of our enemies, then hitch a ride on the next comet bound for Saturn. It’s a long trip, so please pack a picnic lunch. Reveal our secret plans to nobody!! Okay, returning to the program: hockey, hockey, goals, MDF, crease, net, slapshot, etc.
Byron Clavicle’s Pick: Sky Fighters, because their name is an anagram of Kegs Shitfry. Donald “Kegs” Shitfry was my high school guidance counselor.
Watchability: 3 Lord Skronuses

La Famiglia (5-0-1-2) at Tompkins Square Riots (2-6)
Written by Donohue Division correspondent Monica Russo
Location: Tompkins East, 2:00 PM
All-Time Series: La Famiglia leads 1-0
Game Notes: La Famiglia has the edge this week, as they’ll surely be riding the high of having their newest member, Haanwa Chau, in Slovakia, playing for the official USA ball hockey team. Amy Jones and the crew will be guns a’blazin, however, after their 5-0 loss last week.
Monica’s Pick: La Famiglia per la vittoria (Adriano Bratta, is that a thing? Did I do that right?)
Watchability: I use this spot to thank Derek and Eli for letting me get this in late. Watchability should be mezzo mezzo.

Happy Little Elves (4-2-0-2) at Corlears Hookers (5-3)
Written by Rubens Division correspondent Abby “Tayne” Meisterman
Location: Tompkins West, 2:00 PM
All-Time Series: Corlears Hookers lead 4-2
Game Notes:As many of you know, I moonlight as an official* in the Mofo league. Which means that this week I watched Bullmoose, which is comprised of many Hookers, dramatically spank a newer team. How dramatic? 15-0. Ouch. When the Hookers are on fire, they are like a California brush-fire. Though they’ve had many victories this season, they aren’t laying waste as they often do. Last season, the Elves instituted the NEDI, which led them to many victories and probably part of the reason Trevor Beauclair “won”** the “Golden Boot” award. (BTSH should call it the Golden Balls award… or maybe the Golden Stick award. Wow… no matter how I word that it sounds vaguely sexual.) After their triumph over the Hookers in last year’s finals, the Elves fell to the Hookers in the first week of the season. The Elves will be looking for revenge; the Hookers will be looking to win. (Do they look for anything else?) You should be looking for goalie Shaun deLacy’s impression of Mr. Furious and Peter Putka’s impression of a homeless man (Get it? They both mutter strangely off-putting statements… Oh, fine…).
Tayne’s Pick: As much as I love the Elves, the Hookers.***
Watchability: 4.5

* Yes, as a stat-keeper, I am considered an official.
** Tied with Denim Demons’ Zack Tinkleman!
*** I expect a full media boycott from Glanzer and a strongly worded comment from deLacy.

Unicorns (4-2-0-2) at Dark Rainbows (5-2-0-1)
Location: Tompkins West, 3:00 PM
All-Time Series: Unicorns lead 6-5
Game Notes: This is the second leg of the triangular series among the Happy Little Elves, Unicorns, and Dark Rainbows for the prestigious (yet imaginary) Fairy Tale Cup.   Last week, in the first leg, the Elves defeated the Unicorns 4-3 in a shootout.
Eli’s Pick: Dark Rainbows.  A win is pivotal to maintaining possession of the Cup.
Derek’s Pick: Dark Rainbows
Watchability: 3.5 Provenchers

Butchers (5-3) at Mega Touch (3-5)
Written by MacNeil Division correspondent Sven Larsen
Location: Tompkins East, 4:30 PM
All-Time Series: Butchers lead 1-0
Game Notes: While some see this as just an ordinary BTSH matchup, those in the know see this game for what it really is … a battle for the title of hippest team in the league. Will Alex Eben Meyer’s striped socks trump Ben Bloom’s ever changing facial hair? Will Eric Devlin’s glasses beat out the Butchers’ Misfits tribute t-shirts? Is MT’s ironically non-hip Italian Adriano Bratta more ironically non hip than the Butchers INH Italian Chrtis De Motta? This Sunday … it’s like, you know, whatever, I don’t really care, let’s get Vietnamese sandwiches.
Sven’s Pick: The Butchers take it when Katz and co. realize that actually being good at sports that aren’t bowling may get them thrown out of Williamsburg.
Watchability: 3 and a half Pampelmouses

What The Puck (6-1-0-1) at Denim Demons (5-2-0-1)
Location: Tompkins West, 4:30 PM
All-Time Series: What The Puck leads 11-4
Game Notes: Apparently, these teams don’t like each other.
Eli’s Pick: What The Puck
Derek’s Pick: What The Puck.  I hope it doesn’t get too rough for the sake of Brock Bosacker.  I worry about him.  He’s little.
Watchability: 4 Provenchers

HOCKEY NIGHT IN TOMPKINS (National Telecast)
Written by Hockey Night in Tompkins Correspondent Jesse Kalb
Cobra Kai (4-2-1-1) at Gouging Anklebiters (1-7)
Location: Tompkins East, 5:30 PM
All-Time Series: Gouging Anklebiters lead 6-2
Game Notes: Cobra Kai, locked into a 3-way tie for second in the Donohue Division, is part of what is shaping up to be a very tight race, with four teams separated by 3 points (only the Hackett Division has a tighter field). Along with the Butchers and La Famiglia, the Dojo is part of a group of upstarts knocking on the door of the league’s elite. The Anklebiters, however, have fallen on hard times. Just 1-7 overall, with the league’s worst goal differential, and a 4-game bender of a losing streak. In an effort to boost team morale, improve the flagging attendance at games, and make the fan experience better, team officials announced the following measures: Anthony Weiner Blackberry Bobblehead night, Disco Demolition Day, and introduction of this as the new official team pump-up jam. Desperate times, desperate measures, and so forth.
Vegas Line: Cobra Kai by 2.5
Jesse the Greek says: Lay the points
Watchability: 2 anchovy slices from Sal’s Famous

HOCKEY NIGHT IN TOMPKINS (Regional Telecast)
Written by Hockey Night in Tompkins Correspondent Jesse Kalb
Gut Rot (1-7) at Mathematics (2-5-1)
Location: Tompkins West, 5:30 PM
All-Time Series: Mathematics lead 1-0
Game Notes: The epic, tragic, roman-fleuve that is the story of Gut Rot continues this week as the team squares off in a MacNeil Division tilt against the Mathematics. This game is definitely winnable for the the scrappy but undermanned Rots, but they need better execution and will have to time their hangovers perfectly (not easy in a 5:30 PM game) to have a chance. After a solid start, the Abaci have lost 3 straight. Hosting Gut Rot could be the shot of 5-Hour Energy they are looking for.
Vegas Line: Mathematics by 1
Jesse the Greek says: Math. Gut Rot might just have a Father’s Day run in them, but do you really want to have money on it?
Watchability: 2.5 Bodega egg-and-cheeses

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