Week 1 Previews (Part 1)

So this season we’re going to combine the best of Derk&Elly and the best of Sven. D&E gave one GOTW, and Sven pretty much gave detailed recaps of every game. So, we are going to combine the two ideas and give two GOTWs and much shorter previews to every other game. In order to make a GOTW…you gotta earn it with Ws.

No charities here. Win at the courts, Ace Bar and Skee*T*Ball

And here’s the deal. If we mention your name, there is a good chance we are going to poke a little fun at you in a light-hearted way. Unless you’re Alex Eben Meyer, because I just don’t like that guy…though he is a somewhat capable ref in one of the lower divisions. The point is, if something we say offends you, we won’t say it anymore. We want you to like when we write about you. That being said, Derk, Elly and I think most of you are assholes.

We think most of you are assholes, but not this kid. He seems kinda cool. I like his style.

Speaking of assholes, lets get to the first GOTW for 2014! Congratulations Tuques and Anklebiters. The Tuques “won the off-season,” so they get the first GOTW.

That’s a really nice blue shirt.

GOTW: Tuques at Anklebiters

Keys for the Tuques:
Chemistry. For the past couple of years, the Tuques’ top players could hang and usually exceed the other teams’ top line, but their depth was lacking. This year, Denis and Shaq added BTSH stalwarts Bloom, Jenna and Creamy. The Tuques also added some other players that I’ve never heard of but have to assume they are good. How will this new team mesh? Only time will tell. Actually, much like time, I’ll also tell. Well. They will mesh very well.

Meshing Very Well

Keys for the Anklebiters:
Will Craig find his stick? Last time we saw Craig and Creamy together was during the shootout in the playoffs between the Butchers and Anklebiters. Creamy deked left, deked right, then went backwards (which you’re not allowed to do in shootouts), then went forward, then went backwards (still not allowed to do) and finally scored off a befuddled Craig. While 50 people were chanting, “No goal, no goal” from the sideline, the two refs (who I will not name but one is Worky, and the other is Adela) allowed the goal to stand. After the 2nd goal was scored, Craig hurled his stick, and much like Orosco’s glove in 86…it has yet to come down. So if Craig doesn’t find his stick (it should be by the heckle wall since that’s where it landed), it maybe a long game for the Anklebiters.

I know…I know…none of you hipsters know anything about baseball except there are like 5 people that weirdly like the Pirates in BTSH.
But suck it, the Mets owned this town in 86 and will again in 2015!

The Anklebiters seem to be one year behind the Tuques. Much like the Tuques of previous seasons, the Anklebiters have a few really talented players and the rest are scrappers. Their girls are better than most, but not superstars. I see the Tuques coming out really strong, taking a two goal lead pretty early and head to Ace with a 4-1 Opening Day victory.
Eli’s Pick: La Famiglia 2, Gouging Anklebiters 1
Derek’s Pick: La Famiglia 4, Gouging Anklebiters 2

Other Games

Gremmies vs. Poutine
This is like when the NHL starts the season in Czechoslovakia…not a lot of people in this country are going to watch it. Expect the Gremmies to pull off a 2-1 victory.
Eli’s Pick: Gremlins 2, Poutine Machine 0
Derek’s Pick: Gremlins 4, Poutine Machine 1

Cobra Kai at Sky Fighters
CK is still trying to find its place in the league. Is Peter Lang still their goalie? Remember when he died after the Rehabs scored on him? 

Dead Peter Lang

The Reeeeehabs celebrates Peter Lang’s death.

Expect a lot more deaths as the Sky Fighters win handily, 5-1.
Eli’s Pick: Sky Fighters 5, Cobra Kai 1
Derek’s Pick: Sky Fighters 3, Cobra Kai 2…the Kais are better than these two think

Riots at Mega Touch
Mega should be better than they are. The Riots’ top line got more dangerous when they added Suz. I don’t know, something tells me Bratta is gonna net a hatty here. Mega 7, Riots 5 in what could be the best game of the week.
Eli’s Pick: Mega Touch 4, Tompkins Square Riots 3
Derek’s Pick: Tompkins Square Riots 4, Mega Touch 3 (OT)

Math at (a brand new team with like 4 returning players called the) Butchers
The Butchers will actually be fine. Word from Minnesota is they picked up more free agents than we here at the .Org thought. Math will be overconfident and suffer a terrible opening day loss. Call it a Glanzer Special. Butchers 3 Math 2.

Georgine makes all the new free agents wear this shirt.

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2 Responses to “Week 1 Previews (Part 1)”

  1. (tears)…but…i like you guys…(tears)

  2. $h0wT!m3 says:


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