The Elves Are Set To Defend The Cup

GAME OF THE WEEK
Corlears Hookers at Happy Little Elves
Location: Tompkins West, 3:30 PM
All-Time Series: Corlears Hookers lead 3-2
Game Notes: As has become tradition in BTSH, the two championship game participants will square off in a Week 1 rematch.  This year, the Happy Little Elves enter as the defending champions, while–as has become another tradition–the Corlears Hookers enter as the runner-up.  Little has changed on the Elves’ roster during the offseason, as their leading scorers Trevor Beauclair and Gil Valdez are both returning.  The team may appear a little faster this season, however, as team anchor Eric “El Guapo” DiPierri has moved to Oklahoma City.  Team captain Rich Glanzer has been appointed by team captain “The Chairman” Ben Chadwick as the new team anchor.  Like the Elves, the Corlears Hookers also had few significant losses.  In addition, the team is thrilled to welcome back two former superstars in Jock Paul and Noelle “Slapshot” Safar.  The presence of these two players was sorely missed during the championship game, as the duo has been known to strike fear into the hearts of even the calmest of  goaltenders.  League Nostradamus Rich Glanzer has projected that these two teams are the favorites to win the championship at the end of the season.  Although we are literally months away from the playoffs, both teams would certainly like to energize their season with a key win on Opening Day.
Keys To The Game:
1. Elves brunette sophomore Ryan Nakahara tallied two goals in last season’s championship, giving him four for the playoffs.  The Elves will once again need him to come through in the clutch if they wish to win this game.
2.  After missing several games last season, Hookers forward and co-captain Jason Eitel has vowed to have perfect attendance in 2011.  He has also vowed to pass a lot more, but the media do not believe either of these promises.
3. In the above photo, Glanzer is seen sporting a New York Jets t-shirt and a Buffalo Bills cap.  This Sunday, in another show of split loyalties and potential confusion, he plans to wear a Corlears Hookers cap in addition to his usual lime green Elves jersey.
Eli’s Pick: Corlears Hookers.  They are undefeated (4-0) on Opening Day.
Derek’s Pick: Happy Little Elves.  The team is eager to prove that last year’s playoff run and championship were not flukes.
Watchability: 4.5 deLacys. If this game were later in the season with a little more riding on it, it could be a 5.  For now, however, it should just be a very competitive game.

La Famiglia at Cobra Kai
Location: Tompkins East, 12:00 PM
All-Time Series: Cobra Kai leads 4-2
Game Notes: Cobra Kai swept a two-game set with La Famiglia last year, winning 3-1 on Opening Day and 2-1 in Week 11.
Eli’s Pick: La Famiglia.  They finished strong in 2010, winning their final seven games.
Derek’s Pick: Cobra Kai.  The Dojo’s addition of Anita Khar should really bolster the offense.
Watchability: 3.5 deLacys

Dark Rainbows at Sky Fighters
Location: Tompkins West, 12:00 PM
All-Time Series: Sky Fighters lead 6-4
Game Notes: These Hackett Division rivals faced off in a thrilling round of 16 matchup in the 2010 playoffs.  Mike Dudolevitch of the Rainbows tied the game at one with just four minutes remaining in regulation, but Dan Lee sent the Sky Fighters into the quarterfinals by tallying the game-winner just one minute later.
Eli’s Pick: Sky Fighters
Derek’s Pick: Sky Fighters
Watchability: 4 deLacys.  If their 2010 playoff game was any indication, this should be another close affair.

What The Puck at Fresh Kills
Location: Tompkins East, 1:00 PM
All-Time Series: What The Puck leads 9-6-1
Game Notes: What The Puck captain Larry “Mad Dog” Zimmer had scheduled an elaborate, over-the-top celebration to take place prior to this game to formally introduce his new players Brock Bosacker, Alex Doucette, Anthony Romeo, and “The All-American Canadian” Adam Skuse.  However, after carefully considering the overwhelmingly negative publicity generated by the elaborate, over-the-top celebration held to introduce LeBron James and Chris Bosh joining forces with Dwyane Wade on the Miami Heat, Zimmer decided to scrap these plans.
Eli’s Pick: What The Puck.  This team is even more loaded than Zimmer’s much-hyped 2009 juggernaut.
Derek’s Pick: What The Puck.  Mad Dog is working on adding Fresh Kills’ 2010 leading scorer Justin “The Boss” Ross, just to ensure the victory.
Watchability: 2.5 deLacys

Denim Demons at LBS, Inc.
Location: Tompkins West, 1:00 PM
All-Time Series: LBS, Inc. leads 9-1-1
Game Notes: Both of the scheduled games between the Denim Demons and LBS, Inc. last season were canceled due to “rain fears.”  This is unlikely to happen for a third straight time, however, as Sunday’s forecast calls for partly cloudy skies with just a 20% chance of “rain fears.”
Eli’s Pick: LBS, Inc.  The Corporation seems to have the Demons’ number.
Derek’s Pick: Denim Demons.  The Demons will want to get off on the right foot for their third straight Prince of Weyersberg Trophy.
Watchability: 4 deLacys

Mathematics at Poutine Machine
Location: Tompkins East, 2:00 PM
All-Time Series: Tied 1-1
Game Notes: These two teams split their season series last year.  Poutine Machine won 2-1 in a shootout on Opening Day, which was the first win in team history.  The Mathematics returned the favor with a 6-2 decision in Week 11.
Watchability: 2.5 deLacys.  It’s exciting MacNeil Division hockey!

Tompkins Square Riots at Unicorns
Location: Tompkins West, 2:00 PM
All-Time Series: Tied 1-1
Game Notes: This Donohue Division battle pits two teams that faced off in the round of 16 of last season’s playoffs.  The Riots rallied from a late second half deficit with two goals in the final three minutes, securing a 3-2 victory and a spot in the quarterfinals.
Eli’s Pick: Unicorns
Derek’s Pick: Unicorns
Watchability: 3.5 deLacys.  This game will feature the team promoted into the Donohue Division (Riots) and the team demoted into the division (Unicorns).

Filthy Gorgeous at Rehabs
Location: Tompkins East, 3:30 PM
All-Time Series: Tied 3-3
Game Notes: These teams last squared off in Week 3 of the 2010 season, when Filthy Gorgeous defeated the Rehabs 4-1.  Suvin “The Guru” Malik led Filthy’s offensive attack with two goals.
Eli’s Pick: Filthy Gorgeous
Derek’s Pick: Filthy Gorgeous.  With a roster half filled with new players, this could be a rebuilding year for the ‘Habs.
Watchability: 3 deLacys

HOCKEY NIGHT IN TOMPKINS (National Telecast)
Written by Hockey Night in Tompkins Correspondent Jesse Kalb
Butchers at Gut Rot
Location: Tompkins East, 4:30 PM
All-Time Series: Gut Rot leads 1-0
Game Notes: The schedule-makers have staged an excellent Opening Day matchup for these two second-year BTSH franchises. Both teams had a mediocre 2010 regular season, but the Butchers became the league darlings after an epic run through the playoffs, knocking off the #1 and #2 seeds before losing in the semifinals, snatching respectability from the jaws of mediocrity. Expectations are clearly higher this year, and it is no small thing that on Opening Day, the Butchers unveil their key free agent acquisition, starting defenseman Chris “Creamy” DiMotta. DiMotta, of course, played for Gut Rot last year. At the Butchers’ annual semi-formal dinner dance last week, Creamy recounted the conversation during which he broke the bad news to Gut Rot captain (and BTSH Gadfly) Jeff “Peaches” Hendricks. Peaches did not take it well, allegedly starting a YouTube-IHOP-style riot at Union Square’s Heartland Brewery, repeatedly shouting, “I Ride the Ride!” and calling DiMotta a “Dirty Mister Number Two Poopy Pants.” Sunday will be the first time the two men have spoken since.
Vegas Line: Butchers by 2.5
Jesse the Greek says: Take the points. The Butchers always start slow, and Gut Rot keeps it close in a revenge game.
Watchability: 4 pairs of pull-ups

HOCKEY NIGHT IN TOMPKINS (Regional Telecast)
Written by Hockey Night in Tompkins Correspondent Jesse Kalb
Gouging Anklebiters at Mega Touch
Location: Tompkins West, 4:30 PM
All-Time Series: Mega Touch leads 6-5-1
Game Notes: If the photo accompanying the Anklebiters preview is any indication, this might be a rebuilding season for the Blue and Gold. Anonymous HNIT sources have questioned the commitment and focus of ‘Biters captain Phil Donohue, citing reports that he spent the offseason scrapbooking celebrity collages from his prized collection of US Weeklys rather than working to improve on 2010’s 5-11 finish (good for last place in his own division). Mega Touch faced similar struggles in 2010, finishing with just 13 points on the year. Asked how his team plans to improve on last year’s second-worst goal differential and possibly turn things around, BTSH vet and Graphics Czar Alex Eben Meyer went on an eight minute rambling discourse on the difficulties of using Avenir Demi Oblique for letterpressing the team’s trading cards. So, yeah.
Vegas Line: Mega Touch by 1/2 point
Jesse the Greek says: Stay away. This is an early season trap game for bettors.
Watchability: 3 point sizes