Anklebiters Under Investigation

BREAKING NEWS – BTSH.org has just been notified that the league’s new Disciplinary Committee manager, Haanwa Chau, has launched a formal investigation regarding potential hazing violations committed by the Gouging Anklebiters. Although it is suspected that these infractions have actually gone on for several years, it seems the former DC manager, Jeremy “The Foot” Schumacher, never pursued any complaints. Part of Chau’s investigation will thus include a review of whether Schumacher himself has or had any ties to these allegations as well.

Several witnesses have testified that they saw two Anklebiter rookies, as well as one veteran, in Parkside Lounge on Friday sporting embarrassing and demeaning costumes that the senior members of the team forced them to wear.  Despite these personal accounts, team captain Phil “Sandy” Donohue remains adamant in his stance that his team has done no wrong.  He comments, “I fully anticipate that upon completion of this investigation, we will be absolved of all charges.” Your humble correspondants will continue to track this story as it unfolds.

Dave’s New Team Name Initiative

As Dave Ladanyi’s team continued to evolve, it was apparent that the “Tuques” moniker no longer suited the team.  As a result, Ladanyi has been mulling rebranding the franchise for more than a year, which may explain the lackluster marketing effort that produced the “Tuques hockey.” campaign.

Therefore, as of April 6, 2010, Ladanyi’s franchise officially became La Famiglia.  The name was chosen to emphasize the team’s unity and close-knit nature.  Plus, it was better than the only other suggestion, the Sad Little Elves (made by Brian Ferry).  As part of the La Famiglia motif, Ladanyi has encouraged each player to adopt a pre-approved “mafia-style” nickname to appear on the back of each shirt.  The Peter Wilson and Denis Miciletto correctly picked two of Ladanyi’s suggested nicknames in “Slippery Pietro” and “Il Siciliano”, respectively.  However, Alfred Liu may have missed the point with his nickname choice of “Liu”, as he thought Ladanyi was joking about the name change.

Know Your Neighbor

Name: Hannah Stark
Team: What The Puck
Suggested Nickname: The Fightin’ Palindrome
Rejected Nicknames: Stark Storm, The Y-Factor, Hockey Hannah
Origin: Yorktown, NY
College: Loyola University Maryland
Early Aspirations: To collect all 4 E.T. posters that came with a McDonald’s Happy Meal
First Job: Waitress at Friendly’s in the Jefferson Valley Mall
Current Job: Elementary school teacher in Bushwick
Hero: Jaime Escalante from Stand and Deliver
Reason to Love Her: She’s from the 9-1-4!!! (just like the media)
Reason to Hate Her: She plays on a line with Salvatore Malguarnera, Jr. and Adriano “Muscles Marinara” Bratta…and she’s only half Italian
Fast Fact: She scored the winning touchdown, on a fumble return, for the juniors’ female football team in Loyola’s annual Fall Football Classic.
Favorite Things: Soccer, Mad Dog’s pep talks, Brooklyn Botanic Garden, shampoo
Favorite School Cafeteria Meal: Chicken nugget day!
Least Favorite Things: Driving on the Taconic State Parkway, Tom MacDonald’s long-winded tales of yore, Putnam County, humidity
Best Known For: Her distinctly large yellow mouth guard
Hockey Comparison: Mikael Renberg
Non-Hockey Comparison: Jennifer Hale
Things the Media Will Continue to Overhype about Her: She was a critical component of Larry “Mad Dog” Zimmer’s free agent spending spree prior to the 2009 season.
Down the Road: After years of teaching in Bushwick, Hannah (at Larry’s urging) opens her own charter school to educate the many children of What The Puck players.  To help her, she hires several teammates to teach their various fields of expertise.  Darrell “Accurate Bob” Hartman teaches English, Michelle Doucet directs the school play, Roderick “Guy LeDouche” Cruz instructs Law, Corey “Chongo” Winters runs the physical education program, and Ant “Father Time” Ventolieri lectures on ancient history.