Two Players Missed The Point Of This Picture

Mega Touch With Mega New Look!
As part of its massive rebranding efforts, Mega Touch unveiled its new uniforms to limited fanfare.  Although the event is notable for being the first time Alex “Coop” Eben Meyer has been seen in a clean shirt, the uniforms were eerily reminiscent of the now defunct Bad Touch’s shirts from last season.  Captain Eric Devlin reluctantly admitted the similarities, noting, “We couldn’t really change our team colors, so this is what we had to get.” 

Welcome To Tompkins!
BTSH kicked off its ninth year Sunday, but the setting was much different from the past few seasons. As the fine city of New York plans to install turf at Corlears Hook Park, the league has preemptively moved to Tompkins Square Park. Although Tompkins was quickly appreciated for its smooth, non-sloping surfaces and geographical convenience, the park also has many quirks.

League members quickly learned that Tompkins is a lot more accessible to the public than their former home.  Although Corlears had the occassional loose bottle collector, it was generally a quiet and private setting to hold games.  On the other hand, Tompkins lends itself to having a lot more visitors.  Sunday, in particular, saw a drunken fan with a handle of vodka and several wayward youths on skateboards.  In addition, the park is a lot more active, necessitating the occassional parks pickup truck to drive through games.

Finally, although just about every league member is ecstatic at the prospect of having working bathrooms within walking distance, Mighty Squirrels player Eric Breitman was quick to warn, “You may want to use the buddy system when going there.  There seemed to be a homeless man taking up residence and others just milling about.”  It’s still an upgrade.

Breaking News!
In a clear violation of the “Aw, come on!” rule, What The Puck captain Larry “Mad Dog” Zimmer has lured Sky Fighters superstar defender Martin “Ocho Cinco” Cejka over to the orange to replace the ailing Corey “Chongo” Winters.  Cejka will suit up for his new team immediately, starting with Sunday’s game against the Tuques.  Good luck, Minkus!

Know Your Neighbors

Name: Zack Tinkelman
Team: Denim Demons
Nickname: None
Suggested Nickname: The Tink
Rejected Nicknames: Tinkle Man, Zack Attack, The Big Red Machine
Origin: Bethesda, MD
College: NYU
Early Aspirations: To be an ice cream truck driver
Hero: Dale Hunter
Reason to Love Him: He puts up with the chicanery of Adam “Legend Killer” Rubens and Jeremy “The Foot” Schumacher.
Reason to Hate Him: He’s on the Denim Demons.
Fast Fact: His training regimen includes running up the down escalator at the Bethesda Metro station.
Favorite Things: beards, gefilte fish, the Jefferson Memorial, a strict enforcement of the rules
Favorite Avenue: Wisconsin Avenue
Best Known For: Being Schuie’s go-to referee
Biggest Fan: Joe Tinkelman
Hockey Comparison: Phil Housley
Non-Hockey Comparison: Paco from Bloodsport
Things the Media Will Continue to Overhype about Him: His close ties with Adam “Legend Killer” Rubens
Down the Road: Zack eventually takes over as head of officiating and discipline when Schuie has an unfortunate “accident”, involving a baseball bat and Jim Dandeneau.  A year later, Zack also becomes the captain of the Denim Demons when Adam “Legend Killer” Rubens is chosen to live in the next Biodome project.  Now holding two critical leadership posts, Zack becomes the most powerful man in BTSH.  Coincidentally, with their captain now in control over the scheduling process, the Demons mysteriously have 22 games against the Happy Little Elves the following season.  They go 21-1.