Is Jesse Kalb The Next Elves Captain?

In order to right the ship after losses to What The Puck and Mega Touch, the Happy Little Elves made the drastic decision to appoint a guest captain for their Rubens Division matchup against the Denim Demons.  After a grueling application process, regular captains “The Chairman” Ben Chadwick and Rich Glanzer based their choice on the outcome of a “skeetball” game.  Thus, when Mathematics captain Derek Tagliarino ousted Chadwick, he was given the reins to the team.

Employing the guest captain’s brilliant new strategy dubbed the TEDI (Tagliarino’s Elves Defensive Initiative), the Elves held the Demons scoreless through all of regulation and overtime.  Unfortunately, the TEDI does not include any methods for scoring goals, so the Elves were also held off the score sheet.  However, the Elves were ultimately victorious, when Tagliarino made the bold decision to put under-utilized and often overlooked flaxen-haired defender Trevor Beauclair in the shootout.  The always modest Beauclair converted the final shootout attempt of the day, clinching the win for the Elves and Tagliarino.

After the success of Sunday’s guest captain (who retires undefeated from the position), Chadwick and Glanzer have already announced that they will continue to invite others to lead the team.  Some of the rumored candidates include Jonathan “The Barnacle” Levine, Mike Smith, Anita Khar, Sharif “The Chocolate Buzzsaw” Corinaldi, Julie Katz, Larry “Mad Dog” Zimmer, Jesse Kalb, Karsten Pichon, and $h0wT!m3.

Three Stars of the Week

Third Star: Lawrence Goldstein, LBS, Inc.  The rookie sensation stepped up in the Corporation’s 3-2 shootout victory over the Dark Rainbows in the Game of the Week.   He notched his fourth goal of the season and converted the game’s only successful shootout attempt.
Second Star: Matt Kazior, Fresh Kills. Kazior scored the game-winning goal in Fresh Kills’ 2-0 shutout over the previously undefeated Corlears Hookers.  The win was Fresh Kills’ third in a row.
First Star: Ben Bloom, Butchers.  Bloom scored two goals in the Butchers’ 3-0 win against the Unicorns, tying him for the league lead with six goals on the season.  The Unicorns’ Craig “Ug” LaCombe had previously allowed just one goal all season.

Shaun deLacy GAA Watch

This year, due to a series of stupid bets made by Happy Little Elves goalie Shaun deLacy, the media will track his goals against average over the course of the regular season.

Goals Allowed This Week: 0 (vs. Denim Demons)
Goals Allowed Previously: 14
Goals Allowed This Season: 14
Games Played: 5
Goals Against Average: 2.8
Next Opponent: Rehabs (0.6 goals per game)

Perhaps aided by an equipment alteration, Shaun turned in his best effort of the season, recording a shutout against Rubens Division rivals, the Denim Demons. This may just be the boost he needs to erode his GAA down to his pre-season target of 2.00. Shaun gets a favorable matchup this week, as he faces another divisional opponent, the Rehabs, who have only scored three goals all season.

Know Your Neighbour

Name: Scott Lee
Team: Fresh Kills
Suggested Nickname: Korean $h0wT!m3
Rejected Nicknames: Molasses, Slowy McSlow, Tortoise, Glacier
Origin: Maple Ridge, British Columbia, Canada
College: New York University
Quote: “Slow and steady wins the race.”
First Job: CEO of Scott Lee, Inc.
Current Job: Undergraduate Student
Early Accomplishments: Being elected freshman class prime minister of Pitt Meadows Secondary School
Current Accomplishments: He was voted as the eighth best player on Fresh Kills, directly behind Eugene Rha
Hero: Markus Naslund
Reason to Love Him: Because of his Canadian upbringing, he is always polite and courteous.
Reason to Hate Him: His name is an adverb.
Best Known For: Being the only person left who still buys JAMS shorts
Fast Fact: At his Fresh Kills tryout, Scott tied “Hollywood” Jeff Lesser for the all-time best Wonderlic test score in team history
Favourite Things: Vancouver Canucks, The Grapes of Wrath, sunglasses, the beach
Favourite NYU Class: Yellow Peril: Documenting and Understanding Xenophobia
Least Favourite Things: Chicago Blackhawks, midterms, inconsistent national drinking ages, his parents’ rules
Hockey Comparison: Marek Malik
Non-Hockey Comparison: A snail
Things The Media Will Continue to Overhype About Him: He will miss a significant portion of the season when he goes home for summer break.
Down the Road: Scott graduates from college and gets a job as the third Canucks green man.