by Cat

Third Star
Ella from Royale

Probie made good on his campaign promises and delivered discounted drinks at Royale for the rum and vodka drinkers of the league, to the delight of many, but particularly Liz B. And who knows why but it seems that Royale might… actually like us? The patio may be covered in smelly equipment, any non-BTSH patrons are miserable, Chadwick plays a goddamn slide whistle they have to pretend to delight in, their limes are not safe from being tossed, and yet the manager insists he’s happy to have us.

More likely, of course, is they are scared of us. How else do you explain this piece of worrisome video propaganda of smiling Royale staff Ella?

I’ll summarize the contents for those of you who aren’t video compatible:

JEN P yells at poor Ella:
Go!

ELLA laughs nervously, fearfully:
Hi BTSH it’s Ella from Royale. Um I just want to let you guys know that the Denim Demons are the league sweethearts, because they hang out.

ELLA strikes a pose with a hockey stick, JEN applauds:
Go Demons!

Someone save Ella.

Second Star
Erich G from Gremlins

Gremlins and Mega Touch had a particularly tense match-up resulting in a 4-3 win for a team I now understand represents a car rather than a weird 1980’s movie I won’t watch. This is largely thanks to Erich, who sunk in two goals and had a sick assist on a third.

Erich is low-key one of the best players in BTSH. Freal do you ever watch him play? He’s not even trying and then whoopsie scores three goals. Like honestly he’s good enough I should probs not be handing out stars to him but sometimes it’s just like, Damn gurl. You gotta stop and admire.

First Star
Co-Commissioners Brian Hicks and Sarah Herr

In spite of the wonky weather and being literally across the country at the time, Co-Commissioners Hicks and Herr managed to make the right call on Sunday. Games were a go, and everyone got to play.* It was very, very cold out.

In addition to being basically professional meteorologists, they are humanitarians. Hicks collected money this week to donate to #SticksOutForHumboldt, to help the families affected by the accident, and that deserves a special mention as well.

*Or at least everyone got to start to play. That’s a MINUS STAR to the weather for keeping the Dark Rainbows half a game from their first victory in over a season. Both 5:30 matches are to be continued and will be livestreamed for Aaron F, with game commentary by Ella from Royale, league sweetheart and suspected victim of Stockholm syndrome.

Honorable Mentions:

FA Goalie Eitan subbed for Math and helped carry them to a win, only letting one goal from Sky Fighters sneak by.

Coach had one of his career best between the pipes for Fuzz.

Karma had an embarrassment of riches on their bench, so Isaac took one for the team and sat the game out to ensure his teammates got enough playing time and enough cheering from the sidelines.

I am not a slide whistle person but I received a lot of feedback that it should receive first star for some reason.