The Media has been getting some heat for resting on our laurels, jokes wise. “Why don’t you have any new material?!” they say. Rain fears! Is a hot dog a sandwich! ROTY snubs! Lol shootouts! The most original thing out of the Media in 2018 is filling out a Mad Libs book that Isaac picked up in the checkout line at the Duane Reade. Look, we can’t all be Big Russ and Old Brett (another feud I’m trying to make happen while working on the beef beat) coming up with #newcontent to entertain the masses!
Still, I didn’t major in Creative Writing to not put it to good use – so enjoy these #hottakes I came up with for a blog about a beer league:
Sara K from Denim Demons
In spite of the heat and the double-header, the Demons went into Sunday with only three girls: new-Media-sweetheart Tracy, the free-agent-slash-honorary-DD Elaina, and insane-person-who-never-tires Sara. While Tracy and Elaina rotated on forward for their games against both Instant Karma and LBS, Sara played the whole damn time without any shifts.
Meanwhile, my roommate-slash-attendant Paolo (you may have seen him wearing a fringed crop top on the sidelines holding a fan that said “THWORP” – he’s taking custom crop top orders for next year) served me homemade hibiscus iced tea on the sidelines while I complained it was much too hot to only have 5 girls on our bench.
Yes, the Demons did actually lose both their games, but if you wanted Stars for winners only you can get Rich to write them next time!!!!! Sara is a goddamn champ!!!
Zac H from What the Puck
First, he played in net Sunday, and snagged a shutout for WTP.
Second, but far more important, he finally put into words what we’ve all been thinking: DARK RAINBOWS ARE THE NEW LEAGUE SWEETHEARTS. If Zac says it then you know it’s true, because honestly I think he hates me just a little bit (I can’t help it if beef is my beat!!!).
Tuckman from Mega Touch
It came to Media’s attention that Mike T had his third shutout in as many games this weekend. I am only a woman, and therefore bad at math, but that seems super impressive. Like a goalie hat trick?? Sports???!!!
A lot of buzz was happening in the Media room about this thing called “science” but I’m not having it. A ball went in against Biters after a freak ricochet off a Mega player, and then popped out before the refs knew what they saw. A ball went in and out for Gut Rot against Fuzz before it could be called.
This seems like a clear cut case of ghosts and we should ask the skater boys to sage the shit out of this place. Not Star to ghosts and that uncalled goal for Gut Rot! Jess D reported that Akhil handled this error with professionalism, which honestly I don’t know if I’m comfortable associating Gut Rot with “professionalism” but we love you Akhil keep doing you don’t stop giving me free warm Tecates.
Speaking of Not Stars, I know this has become kind of a weekly pillory of public shaming, but Fuzz yo YOU DID NOT CLEAN UP. Except for Ryann, Coach, and Walsh, who I am tempted to take away Hogg’s star and give it to you guys, but I don’t want to burn a bridge I just mended.