Monday I made the Walk of Shame back to Royale to retrieve my credit card from behind the bar, earning myself the first of many Not Stars this week. You know I put extra time into my outfit so that Ella would realize I’m a Responsible Grown Up with a Real Job (also see: my approved membership into the NYC Ball Hockey LinkedIn Group) and not a Degenerate Overly Invested in a Recreational Sports League. She wasn’t there. Nobody at Royale complimented my work onesie.
As much as I delight in using 3 Stars as my personal livejournal, enough about me:
Alexa from Fuzz
There’s no video shootage, and I am running on deadline so I’m not going to ask anyone what happened, but here’s what I am pretty sure happened, based largely on a very blackmail-y email from Glanzer and a basic understanding of how hockey works:
- LBS scored some goals.
- Fuzz scored some goals.
- In fact, now that I think of it, they scored the same number of goals.
- The game went to a shootout.
- Meanwhile, Rich/JW/Jenn P were engaged in a Marx Brothers-esque juggle for a camcorder, which apparently still exist, even though everyone has smart phones these days.
- Alexa scored a goal.
- Thusly, Fuzz won.
This goes without saying, but Not Stars to Rich, Walker, and Jenn. Get your acts together.
I’d also like to say to Alexa, a multi-talented person who can goaltend and score goals, a true renaissance woman, and it has nothing to do with what Rich has against me: Damn gurl!
Cory from Instant Karma
Instant Karma has had a rough go of it, stringing together a choker of consecutive losses. Sunday’s game against Mega Touch seemed it would end much the same way. However, those new shirts provided a sweet sweet hit of confidence they needed to turn things around. After bringing the score up to an even 3-3, Steven F held rock solid in the net and his team won their first game in six weeks.
Because there can only be one two stars (or something): Cory was a standout, starting Karma on the right foot with their first goal, and then bringing it home with the shootout winning goal.
I think I’m supposed to say “lol shootouts” here to keep up with the BTSH zeitgeist. Just trying to keep Media relevant!
Tim B from Butchers
Sunday welcomed Tim back after a brief hiatus, and he served them well against the Rehabs, shutting it down 2-0. Butchers have not had the smoothest season – lots of ups, downs, and tough losses, including a 0-6 smackdown at their first meeting with the Rehabs – so this was a particularly sweet and well-earned victory.
When asked his secret to brushing off the cobwebs and serving brick wall realness, Tim said knife-pig-D-fence. As interpreting his meaning requires a level of emoji literacy beyond “eggplant means penis” this reporter cannot comment beyond awarding Tim the coveted Damn gurl.
Sadly, there was Not-Star worthy news from the handshake line, inspiring me to tell the story of 2018 ROTY contender Jess D and 2017 ROTY snub Hogg. Once upon a time, What the Puck beat the shit out of the Rainbows and Zac was a bit of an eggplant about it. Jess D did not shake his hand, and Zac shamed her the only way he knew how: in fake tweets that only about eight people who bothered double-clicking read. In the end, they put aside their short-lived feud with the help of – what else – a free beer as an olive branch. The beef was fully put the rest on Sunday by a hard-fought but exceptionally cordial match in which WTP reasserted a win over the Rainbows.
I hope everyone can learn a lesson from this tale, if only that I use my platform for Bowist propaganda.
Edit: OHHHH THE KNIFE-PIG IS A BUTCHER I GET IT NOW!!! Wow Tim B giving credit to his defense, what a great guy, great goalie.
Glanzer Participation Trophies!
WTP recruited another Zac – Jess D did not shake his hand. Mostly because she was not there. Anyway, he scored a lot.
Campbell staked out a shutout against Poutine, helping Cobra Kai win, again, like they usually do. Fun fact: My second favorite use of this platform is to try and make a Poutine/Cobra Kai rivalry A Thing against everyone’s will! But seriously this was a heated contest and Olivier very nearly jinxed the whole thing by saying “Campbell might have a shutout” towards the end of the game – Not cool! That’s a Not Star for you!
In general, I really appreciate that everyone noms their goalies for stars. You are good people and I’m glad to be associated with you.