Luck of the Hookers
The Anklebiters vs Hookers game was clearly the Game of the Week. Anklebiters came out strong and took an early 1-0 lead when Coco buried a loose ball. Cro silenced their many fans watching by tying the game shortly after. Early in the second half the Biters scored two quick ones to take a seemingly commanding 3-1 lead. The Hookers were in disarray. Someone wisely called a timeout and speeches were given. Jeff K. told everyone to stop worrying about the refs and focus on the game.
The timeout immediately worked as a few shifts later the game was tied. The large Anklebiter crowd was despondent. The game went to overtime and by this point, everyone was watching.
The underdog Anklebiter team without Dehro, without Joe P. was just one goal away from a massive upset. But Cro put home the winner and Bill L. proudly waved the American flag.
Big ups go to the Biters, but the star goes to Cro and his Hookers.
P.S. Before you let this get to your head Cro, Sara was wide open on a 2 on 1 and you shot instead of passed. This game never needed to go to OT if you would have just looked up you heel.
Ferocity of Poutine Machine
Never underestimate the resiliency of a team that plays as a complete unit. You would think that the league would have figured out by now, in the playoffs, that Poutine’s successful season was no fluke. Following the lead of their co-captain, BSA, the Poos out-hustled, out-positioned and out-worked the Butchers to a frustrating degree. Several times throughout the game Christina tracked down loose balls in the offensive zone and went one-on-one with opposition’s top defender. Those clashes produced takeaways, forced bad dumps, and gave her teammates enough time to recover. As good as RJ was in net, earning his first playoff win and shutout, this star goes to the whole Poo Nation.
J-Po’s Left Breast
by Arya Stark
Hockey is a game of sacrifice. About the name on the front of the jersey, not the name on the back. About giving up your body for the good of your team, even if your team is down by like a bajillion goals. On Sunday, Jenn found herself in this exact position and decided to make the ultimate sacrifice. Facing the business end of a Cherie slapshot, she stood tall (well, as tall as a 5’0 girl can stand) and gave up what is possibly her most prized possession, taking a heater straight to the left breasticle. It was an impressive display of leadership and self-sacrifice, inspiring for her teammates and especially satisfying for me personally. For you see, a group of esteemed league members (plus one Disney villain) went to Ocean City on the Tuesdaymorning before the tourney because apparently we are degenerates and spent the first two nights in said villain’s uncle’s hotel by the boardwalk. Wednesday night at approximately 2:30 AM, I was en route back to our suite with two incredibly classy females from Seacrets, where all the incredibly classy OC ladies reside. Upon getting in the elevator I realized that I didn’t have my room key on me. Told the girls it was no problem, got upstairs and started banging on the door as if my life depended on it because, in that moment, it sure seemed like it did. And just as I began contemplating whether public nudity is considered a felony or misdemeanor in the state of Maryland (thankfully my attorney was present to clarify I would have probably gone to jail), Hoggystyle, bless his soul, woke up and opened the door to let us in. Sweet relief washed over me like rain but alas, it was fleeting, for the first thing we saw as soon as we walked in the room was Jenn, passed out sitting on the couch with that same left breast just hanging out and enjoying the breeze. Needless to say, the girls were shocked. Hogg, for his part, took it in stride and said this had been the situation for over an hour. His attempts at normalizing this ridiculous situation and pulling off what would have been an all-time wingmanning were unfortunately for naught. One girl left immediately, the other stayed for not nearly long enough. All because of that damn breast.
Jenn actually had the audacity to claim I actually owe her some debt of gratitude for saving me from a nasty bout of herpes. I mostly disagree. But one thing is beyond dispute: en route to a resounding victory, Cherie avenged my scorned OC sex life. Thank you Cherie. People in BTSH don’t use this word enough, but you are a true hero. Oh, and the breast, about whom this write-up was originally intended. Stay strong.
*JPo was informed of this honor and approves this message.
**Cheeky saw a picture of one of the girls and felt comfortable telling me that she is probably awful in bed anyway. Great friends I have.
**When I responded to a June email inviting me to “write for the simmering inferno that is the BTSH website,” I definitely never imagined that I would one day pen 540 words on Jenn’s left breast.
Tim K from Filthier and Coach from Fuzz for posting shutouts during their games. Tim and Coach did everything from standing on their heads to tending bar and serving drinks while their teams worked their arses off. Nice job boys.
ACE Bar. Like hockey, BTSH is the mistress ACE just can’t seem to quit. Despite our brief breaks she keeps welcoming us back with open arms. We missed you baby.