by Triple racH

Dear BTSH Readers: I sincerely apologize for the tardiness of this post. But when your 3 Fantasy Football teams go 0-3 (thanks for nothing Big Ben, Hopkins, and the rest of you jabronis) and your ‘BTSH Team That Isn’t Yours But Was Your Second Choice to Win the PBR Cup Because You’re Team Glanzer the Heroic (did i do it right? idk i’m just fangirl. that’s kewl, right?)’ Team gets knocked out after a heartbreaking playoff shootout against a sub goalie, you need to take some time to yourself before writing something as joyous as the 3 stars. It only took a few nights of crying myself to sleep, but I hung this poster over my bed and I think I’m finally through this dark time:

cena-hey-girl

THIRD STAR
The Timmies

timmies

Both Tims played killer games this week in their match-up. Both teams had some insane chances, but Timmy and Timmy both goaltended their faces off and kept what could have been a 6-5 game to just a 2-1 nailbiter.

SECOND STAR
Craig’s Crotch

crotch-great-again

Before anyone else does, I’ll just point out that this is the second time I’ve written about Craig’s crotch on the BTSH blog (first being Olympics). That’s an alarming rate given how new I am to writing here, but then I think about how many times Derek and Eli must have written about Craig’s crotch over their many years (PAUSE), and I feel a little better. Craig was a true hero standing up for people everywhere when he snatched Brian “Croveruser of Cro puns” Cronauer’s Make America Great Again hat and rubbed it ALLLLL up in his junk. I guess an honorable mention goes to the wine bottle Cro was nursing over the day, which made him lose enough sense to put that hat RIGHT back on his head. The hat was in Craig’s crotch, and then the hat was on Brian’s head. So, by the transitive property, Cro’s head was in Craig’s crotch. Right, isn’t that how it works? Yeah, I went there.

FIRST STAR
LBS player who ghosted on his game with 5 minutes left

lbs-ghost

According to my sources, the LBS player seen running off the courts with 5 minutes left in his game (when the LBS were only up by 1 goal, even) was actually rushing to the hospital because his wife was in labor. On Sunday, I was the first to say “Wait…where is that guy going? Does he know the game didn’t end yet? He must not, because who leaves their playoff game with 5 minutes left?” But I’d like to publicly acknowledge I was wrong. Hero.

Honorable mention: the v*gina couch. Strong sideline move by whoever brought that.

Also, whoever made this:

martian-rich

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